Parental disapproval re 4th baby

(36 Posts)
Namechanged78 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:08:31

hi
I'm currently just over 20 weeks pg with our 4th baby. This is a planned pregnancy, we can afford to have them, have space in the house etc. We told my parents at Christmas about the baby, deliberately choosing a time when my sister was there too and they seeend surprised but not unhappy
However this weekend they were staying and my dad launched an attack on dh, pretty much unprovoked.
Basically he said we were irresponsible for having another, we couldn't possibly afford to put 4 through university, and we wouldn't cope with another baby. Along the way he also said I was mentally unstable, and that our marriage was very shaky
All of this is complete bollocks. Dh and I have a great relationship, he's a great dad and husband, and I have never been happier.
Dh didn't respond but basically wants nothing more to do with them. For the sake of our existing children he's prepared to bite his lip ad say nothing but their relationship is destroyed. They have known dh for over 10 years sad
I feel devastated by what my parents have said and done and feel my whole pregnancy has been tainted by this. Don't even feel I want to tell then when baby arrives
Just looking for advice of what to do. I'm a bit of a loss really and can't really see a way forward with them
Thanks for reading

toffeelolly Sat 04-May-13 02:39:25

Just some thing's you cannot forgive. What a awful thing to say. Just look at it this way , it's your family you are all happy, would not give a toss what parent's think.

syl1985 Sat 04-May-13 02:22:52

That's terrible and he was totally out of line.
Even if it's true what he says then still he's way out of line.

You're already pregnant. What could you do? What on earth was he thinking?
That you were going to respond like:
"Sorry dad, you're right I can't take care of this child".

If he was so worried about you having another child he should have had a, kind and polite, word with you both after you had your 3rd child.

Or in a none negative / hurtful way expressed his worries to you and your partner.
But not like this.

Sylvia

Sparklymommy Thu 21-Mar-13 12:46:43

I was in a similar position when I planned baby number four, except we lived (and still do, four and a half years on) with my mum. I told her I was pregnant in a public place because I didn't know how she would react. She didn't speak to me for two days.

When she did speak to me again she told me I needed to get sterilised once the baby was born. (I agreed, knowing the doctor would never agree to sterilisation, I was only 25!). DD2 has my mums name as her midde name and my mother dotes on her now, but she was disapproving when I announced my pregnancy and my grandmother even more so. We didn't tell her until I was about 30 weeks pregnant!

Namechanged78 Sun 24-Feb-13 10:58:41

Thanks again, I'm going to leave this thread now and return to my normal name, I appreciate so many people taking the time to post a reply

jellybeans Sat 23-Feb-13 18:54:11

My parents were dreadful at first with DC5. Mainly because I almost bled to death with no 3/4 (twins). But to them any more than 2 is far too many. They were awful at first but soon came round to the idea and dote on DC5. Try not to let them get to you, they are probably just concerned but not expressing it in an appropriate way. They maybe could not cope with that many, we are still their 'child'. If other than that they are OK then I would let it go but tell them unless they are supportive then they won't be seeing much of you.

AThingInYourLife Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:32

You shouldn't act as a go between.

Your DH deserves to have you firmly on his side here.

I think Lemon's suggestion is about right.

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 18:43:51

Then it sounds as though you need to distance yourselves for a while and put the onus on your DParents to mend bridges. Your loyalty has to be to your DH and DC's but don't throw away your relationship with your parents in a fit of pique (that's my opinion although clearly others think differently!). I hope it ultimately works out for you OP

Namechanged78 Sat 23-Feb-13 18:38:46

Yes part of the issue for me is the way they just want to act as though nothing has really happened. My dh is still fuming and I think they will have to discuss this. The risk is me being the meat in the sandwich if I act as go between, and I don't want that to happen as it could cause a rift between me and dh. On the other hand if I leave it to dh to sort it out himself he might just give it to them all guns blazing which wouldn't be helpful long term either.
Ideally my dad needs to speak to dh and sort it all put between them, but that's just not going to happen.
I've heard my dad occasionally criticise people in kind of a bitchy way before, but never directly to their face. And the way my mum spoke about it the next day, echoing some of the things dad had said but in a more muted way it's clear they have discussed this before (and that mum agrees with what he said)

LemonBreeland Sat 23-Feb-13 18:22:21

In your situation I would call my Dad and ask him to apologise to my dh before I would see him again. I would make clear exactly how upset both of you are by the comments made, and just moving forward and forgetting about it is not an option.

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 18:19:09

We have to agree to disagree AThing. I'm not condoning their behaviour. But I am saying it's a huge thing for op to cast them out if their lives

AThingInYourLife Sat 23-Feb-13 18:13:17

That I would consider myself an orphan if my Dad spoke about me in that way is not any kind of recommendation.

Saying they want to start over is just brushing her off. It's not a compromise.

They were outrageously rude to a man who has helped them out a lot and tried to build a good relationship with them over a decade.

That can't be forgotten just because it suits them.

They need to accept that they have behaved badly here and apologise.

Until they do it is not fair to expect her DH to have to have them in his home.

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 18:00:19

You said you would consider yourself an orphan-how is that not saying you would recommend she cuts them out of her life?

Of course her and her husbands feelings matter, and her husband is justifiably pissed off about it. But you only have one set of parents, and they are compromising by saying they would like to 'start over'. I would be absolutely pissed off about it but would give them the benefit of the doubt. DParents have everything to lose here, and the onus is on them to make it up

Norem Sat 23-Feb-13 17:53:40

Oops double post sorry

Norem Sat 23-Feb-13 17:53:20

Hi op is your Dad usually a foot in mouth person, is he a normally good natured?
I only ask because if he was previously lovely I would be a little concerned about him.
Sometimes when people are Ill, mentally or physically, they can undergo a bit of a personality blip?
Also it strikes me that you really are happy at the moment, do they like that or are they trauma merchants, only happy when there is something to moan about?
Anyway well done both of you for not having a major falling out about this, I would however redraw the lines a little with your family a bit.
Put the ball into your court and take charge of visits ect, I wouldn't have them visit when your new baby is too little either.

Norem Sat 23-Feb-13 17:52:21

Hi op is your Dad usually a foot in mouth person, is he a normally good natured?
I only ask because if he was previously lovely I would be a little concerned about him.
Sometimes when people are Ill, mentally or physically, they can undergo a bit of a personality blip?
Also it strikes me that you really are happy at the moment, do they like that or are they trauma merchants, only happy when there is something to moan about?
Anyway well done both of you for not having a major falling out about this, I would however redraw the lines a little with your family a bit.
Put the ball into your court and take charge of visits ect, I wouldn't have them visit when your new baby is too little either.

AThingInYourLife Sat 23-Feb-13 17:51:00

I didn't tell her to cut her parents out of her life.

I said she should hold out for an apology and a recognition that they were very wrong to do what they did.

Advising someone to let people walk all over them doesn't strike me as being particularly wonderful.

She's currently going to let the relationship die a gradual death.

I might do that if my parents meant very little.

Or I might have the row and see if we could get it sorted.

But asking someone to pretend that people who behaved so appallingly are sorry is daft.

Her feelings, and her husband's feelings, matter.

Her marriage matters too.

How would she feel if her husbands's parents attacked her in that way and he expected her to carry on as though it was completely normal to ambush people like that?

They were way, WAY out of line.

Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself.

IMO the day your Dad tells your husband your 4th child is unwelcome, you are unstable and he is a bad husband is the day you draw a line.

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 17:34:10

Athing you've told the OP in five sentences to cut her parents out of her life. You don't have to live with the consequences

SanityClause Sat 23-Feb-13 17:32:15

Of course you can forgive them, even if they are not sorry for what thy have done. In fact, not doing so will cause you more problems than it will cause them.

But, you don't need to give them any ammunition to upset you in the future. So, I agree, don't tell them when you are stressed, or need help. You will need to find other less judgemental people that you can rely on to help you with any problems you have in the future.

(I can never tell my DM anything because she is so judgy. She gets upset about this, but even though I know it is "just her way" I'm not so silly as to set myself up for a fall. I don't let it eat me up, though.)

AThingInYourLife Sat 23-Feb-13 17:27:34

You want leeway to verbally assault your children and their spouses?

It's people who expect leeway on stuff like that that you're best cutting out early.

People who are sorry apologise.

When they won't "let's move on" means "why don't you stop bitching and just shut up?"

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 17:20:11

I would hope that my children knew how much I loved them and that there would be leeway. OPs DF knows he caused upset because they want to start over. It's still wrong, IMO, just to tell the OP to tell her parents to fuck off with no thought to the consequences in the future.

I have been in a similar situation with my sister. Out of the blue last summer she had a rant at me accusing me of being a bad mother, I did not love DS and my youngest was a spoilt brat. I walked away but she continued by text saying she was only saying to my face what everyone else said behind my back.

I cut her out of my life and the children have not seen her since. It has been very, very hard on everyone especially my parents but I do not want someone who thinks like that about me around my children.

Op cutting someone out of your life is a hard decision to make and the children would find it hardest of all. Please think carefully before making a decision but ultimately you need to decide if you want these people in yours and your childrens life with the opinions they have of you, your DH and your relationship.

AThingInYourLife Sat 23-Feb-13 17:11:35

I can't believe how tolerant people would be of such unwarranted abuse of their spouse and disrespect of themselves.

The parents need to see how badly they have behaved and apologise for the hurt they have caused.

Right now they believe themselves to be righteous truth tellers.

They would not be welcome in my home until they got some basic fucking manners and started treating me and my spouse with respect.

Putting up with shitty treatment just to stay in touch with people who treat you badly is such a waste of emotional energy.

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 17:05:26

Wow can't believe the people who would cast such close family aside so quickly. Would you really really advise that the OP cuts her parents out of her life?

AThingInYourLife Sat 23-Feb-13 17:02:33

You can't forgive them, they're not sorry.

If they felt guilty for character assassinating you and your husband they would have apologised.

How can you "start over" with your own parents FFS?

It doesn't sound like your relationship has ever been particularly close or supportive.

Grandparents are only worth having if they are nice people.

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 16:58:11

My DM was a bit like this. i made DH ring her and announce my pregnancy with DC3 because i knew she wouldnt't approve, despite the fact that she had four children herself, for her, my having two children was perfect. i don't quite understand it but maybe they just feel protective of you and are dismayed you may be putting yourself through unnecessary hardship, therefore blaming your DH? It doesn't make it right though.

I agree with other posters though and please don't jeopardise a future relationship with them. They obviously feel guilty as they talked about 'starting over again' and it will take a while for you to forgive them, but once the baby is here and time has passed a bit hopefully you can move on and forgive them for being so unsupportive.

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