My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Infertility

If you are lucky enough to have had successful IVF treatment, have you told your child how they were conceived?

32 replies

wifeywish1 · 23/01/2013 14:40

My IVF conceived DS is 10 years old and about to learn sex education at school. DH and I are undecided whether to tell him he was conceived by IVF so would really appreciate any experience you can share in terms of telling children, age of telling them and how they reacted.

OP posts:
Report
wifeywish1 · 23/01/2013 14:41

I should add he is biologically ours

OP posts:
Report
thewalrus · 23/01/2013 15:38

My kids are too young (6 and 4) for this to have come up yet - we haven't had any specific conversations about how babies are made. But at the moment we're intending to tell them about it as early as we can and as part of our general 'facts-of-life' stuff. (In our case there is a genetic issue which the kids will need to know about as it may impact on their fertility too) Will be interested to hear the views/experience of anyone else too.

Report
CiderwithBuda · 23/01/2013 16:20

DS is 11 and has had the sex talk at school but we still haven't told him that he was IVF. Just hasn't seemed the right opportunity. I don't want to sit him down and have a big chat as I don't want it to seem a huge deal. I am assuming that something will come up in conversation and we can tell him then casually.

Report
Pizzaexpress2 · 23/01/2013 16:27

Do you feel the need to tell him this level of info?
I haven't had experience of IVF so not something I have had to consider. My dc's know I "grew them in my tummy" just as you did in essence so isn't that all he needs to know at this stage? I find basic info and answer to any questions is often enough to satisfy their curiosity on various possibly sticky subjects.

Report
galwaygirl · 23/01/2013 16:33

My DD is only 19 months so much too young yet but we are very open about having had IVF and plan on having it just as a known fact as much as possible. Not sure if we will need to have a proper chat about it at some point, she's nowhere near understanding anything like that.

Report
galwaygirl · 23/01/2013 16:34

Sorry - meant to ask why you would think of not telling him?

Report
LouMacca · 23/01/2013 16:47

We have 10 year old twins and we haven't told them. We just went down a different route to get pregant, no biggy. If they do ask about IVF in the future we would tell them that's how they were conceived. It's funny because when they were babies/toddlers we discussed about when we would tell them but now they're 10 it just doesn't seem as important....

Report
badtemperedaldbitch · 23/01/2013 16:55

My dd is 9 and we have always told her. She heard us referring to the ivf on a number of occasions. I was so proud that it actually worked! Dd is biologically ours too. But I never wanted it to be a big surprise to her just incase my fertility problems were passed on to her. I often say that I'm lucky because I saw her when she was two cells big

So I actually sat her down for the chat one sunday after her bath, when I was doing her nits! At first it was just that sometimes mummies and daddies need a doctors help to have a baby. Then as she's got older she has asked more questions, we have told her more.

Dr Kingsland helped us, and we've actually pointed him out when be was doing an interview on tv and said that's the doctor that helped us. There was an advert that showed the egg at the two and four cell stage and I pointed it out to her and said that picture makes me feel mushy because that could turn into a wonderful person like her.

She's never mentioned that it feels weird and she goes to school with a boy who is also ivf and me and his mum have chatted about it too.

Report
TattyCatty · 23/01/2013 17:11

My DD is nearly 7 and was conceived via IUI. I've already told her that "mummy needed special medicine" to have a baby, and plan on being completely honest with her when the time comes to go into more detail. Like Badtemperedaldbitch, I would want her to be prepared in case she inherits my fertility issues. We were always very open with friends and family about the fact that we needed fertility treatment in the first place, and I'm also incredibly thankful for the miracles of medical science that allowed me to finally conceive. I personally can't understand why people would not want their children to know - it feels like a throwback to the days when adopted children were not told until they reached adulthood.

Report
CiderwithBuda · 23/01/2013 17:27

I don't intend to keep it a secret and do intend for DS to know but there just hasn't been the occasion to tell him as yet. I thought there might have been but there hasn't. And as LouMacca says it seems less important now than it did when he was a baby and it was all more recent.

I do sometimes still look at him and think Wow! My mum and dad do too!

Report
badtemperedaldbitch · 24/01/2013 21:31

If the child isn't biologically yours.........look at the passport website!

Report
wifeymerrick · 24/01/2013 22:22

I was planning on tellling my DS but DH isnt so keen, he doesnt think there is any need ?! Its a big debate tbh in out house...i feel like he has the right to know DH thinks it not !
Hes only 3 so still undecided.....so etching this thread with much interest :-)

Report
GoAndDoSomeWork · 25/01/2013 09:51

My DD is 6 and came to IVF clinic to quite a few appointments until she started school as was trying (and failing) to conceive sibling. She Knows that mummy has a poorly tummy and that's why the doctors had to help. She knows that they took an egg from mummy and a bit of daddy and the doctors mixed it together and got to see her grow up to a few thousand cells then put her back inside me.

I think it is important that she is aware of it so that it is no big secret and in case she ever has the same problem - I will explain more about endometriosis when she gets older. She has a friend who is also an IVF baby and they sometimes have serious (but very funny to listen to) discussions on how their mummies have poorly tummies and so the doctors have to help. I am really glad about this as a couple of other friends with ivf children have not told their children and are very secretive about it all - like it is something to be ashamed of.

Report
givemeaclue · 25/01/2013 09:58

Mine are five, have always told them special doctors put them in my tummy but that is not how most babies are made. Have told them in general terms how babies are normally made. It's just part of who they are, no big deal and no wondering "whether to tell them" etc. Why would you tell them how babies are made and not include how they themselves were made!?

Report
RachelmyIVF · 25/01/2013 15:28

When I was born there were a few complications and I had to be placed in an incubator for a few weeks - in the same way my mother told me this, I will tell my son when he's older that he was made in a special way/ I'm not going to make a big deal of it and will answer any questions he has.

Report
PicaK · 25/01/2013 17:26

We always planned to tell our DS and still will. But we did get a shock one day when he was a baby. Got on the train and a bunch of young teenagers got on at next station. They were messing about and teasing each other but it went from happy to catty very quickly. Culminated in the worst insult (after swearing etc) of "you're a testube baby you are". We were both a bit shocked.

Report
CaipirinhasAllRound · 28/01/2013 07:24

I can't see that it matters or why you would need to tell him at his age. I don't want to know the details of my conception!
I don't have any children yet but I'm going in for egg collection today

Report
wifeywish1 · 28/01/2013 15:04

Thank you for all your responses, they have certainly helped us discuss what to do and agree a way forward - which is to explain should it come up in conversation at an appropriate time but not to plan a BIG conversation or keep it secret. Like many have said, the older he gets the less of an issue or concern it becomes.

OP posts:
Report
Startail · 28/01/2013 15:16

As far as I know DDs friends have always known.
Their mum has never kept it a secret.

Report
badtemperedaldbitch · 28/01/2013 15:56

it may be important for them to know... IT might even be on thier passport?

how do you teach a child to be proud of all that they are unless they know all that they are.

When my dd was a baby i took her to a doctor, an indian doctor as it happens and i told him that she was IVF. He recoiled from her. this man should have known better. that is the only negative experience i've had from telling anyone, and we have been quite open about it.

Thing is.... its not just your story is it.... its thiers and maybe your parents friends and relations stories. Who knows who may let slip later on. thats when kids are devastated, not with the knowledge of thier conception but the knowledge that thier parents can keep something so BIG from them.

Honesty is always the best policy

Report
DuelingFanjHoHoHo · 28/01/2013 16:30

My son is only 2 but when he is older I will teach him about sex but not just in a 'sex is for making children' way, After all - having sex never managed to make me any children did it?!

I find, as time goes on, you basically all but forget that you had IVF. If he asks me where babies come from I will tell him all about how he was made and how some other kids are made.

All IVF is, is a bit of help with getting the egg and sperm together. All the rest of the pregnancy and the birth are normal bog standard stuff. IMO there's nothing damaging or weird about telling a child that some babies need a bit of extra help to be made in teh begining.

I will have a harder time explaining to my son why it's ok he only has one testicle to be honest.

Report
Nodney · 29/01/2013 19:51

My eldest DS (IVF) (5h) saw me injecting daily to conceive DS2, and then again to conceive DS 3 (still unborn - due in the spring). I didn't want him to think I was unwell so I told him that mummy needs a bit of help to grow a baby. I also wanted him to understand why I couldn't play much on the 2WW! We are talking about where babies come from on an ongoing basis at the moment, and I'm including the basics of IVF. I don't want to make a big deal of it to him, it's just another way of creating a baby to us.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

LostAndScared · 29/01/2013 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoAndDoSomeWork · 31/01/2013 16:04

Hello Lost,

I think you need to start a new thread in this section to get some support and feed back. You are not a failure or as unusual as you may think - there are probably lots of people you know who have had miscarriages and or diffuculty conceiving but it is rarely spoken about. if you go for fertility treatment you will be offered free counselling for both of you (or you can go alone) to discuss your feelings and concerns before you go ahead. Because first trimester miscarriage is actually relatively common and most women who miscarry then go on to have a healthy pregnancy I don't think it is investigated until you've had at least three miscarriages.

Report
aibu2013111 · 31/01/2013 16:22

My dd is 7 and was born 3 years after her father/my dh died. She is at the stage of wanting to know about it all and I always answer her questions honestly and as simply as I can. At the moment she hasn't put 2 and 2 together about the time difference but I'm sure that will come up at some point in the future. If she asks me something like, what did daddy say when I was born for example then naturally that will trigger the conversation but I only ever answer the questions when raised by her, I never instigate it as I feel she asks as and when she needs to know. Sorry long winded explanation.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.