Dad has Prostate Cancer, what to do to help?

[Gumblossom]

My dad has just got the news that he has cancer. The surgeon took 13 biopsies from the prostrate last week and apparently there are cancer cells in all the samples. At this stage that is all my mum and dad know. They will see the urologist on Thursday and get some more information then. I suppose he will have tests to see if it is spread? Perhaps he'll have surgery? Does anyone have experience of this?

My question probably belongs in 'relationships" as well as I am feeling quite confused about what I can do. Firstly my parents don't live in the same town as me, they are about 2 hours drive away. The treatment and specialists are all 3 hours away from where my parents live (we are in Australia) and 5 hours from where I live. The thing is, I'm not close to my parents. I feel they have been lousy grandparents to my children (and not very loving parents either). My parents haven't visited us in nearly a year, but I have been there a few times. My mother is a difficult and possibly narcissitic woman. I've given up trying to understand her and I suppose I've resigned myself to the fact that she doesn't really care much for me or the kids, so I've just got on with things and have continued to be polite and pleasant and I phone them regularly (they almost never call me). I worry about how my mother is going to cope (with all the attention on my dad), and she's also not a very resiliant or positive person, which I worry my affect my dad.

Anyway, I don't know how I can help my father. Though we are not close I do care for him and worry about him.

I have offered to take time off work if they need me to drive them anywhere or to help in any way.

I actually feel a bit overwhelmed by the news. My FIL is in the later stages of skin cancer and my DH is very busy helping his parents. Gosh, it's so sad to see him so ill, and I hope my dad doesn't end up like that.

I'm sorry to hear about your father. My dad had/has prostate cancer and was diagnosed at the earliest stage about four years ago. I hope not to minimise this disease by saying this but it is one of the easiest, most curable, no-fuss cancers you could be afflicted with. Dad is 66 years old now and has four-monthly blood tests to check the cancer hasn't returned (it has - just - but we are not worried). He had his cancer managed when he first got it by the use of drugs which rendered him impotent (70% of men will become impotent after drug treatment).

Prostate cancer is so treatable because the prostate is so far located from any other organs and so it is far less likely to metastasise than other cancers. My dad has never been 'ill' with his cancer and the most discomfort he has experienced is the camera up his bum. I often remind him how lucky he is to not be afflicted with some much more debilitating and life-limiting disease.

Hi, sorry to hear this. You don't say how old your dad is, but it's so common amongst older men that eventually it seems nearly all of them have it. That is not to minimise your anxiety, of course. Both my dad and FIL have it. The good news is that because it is so prevalent there are extremely clear protocols for treatment. Your dad will need further tests to establish whether there has been any spread and treatment will be decided upon based on all his test results. My dad, 80, did have some lymph node involvement. He has now been on hormone injections for about a year and the latest results are really encouraging. The treatment doesn't seem to have affected him. If needed in the future he could still have radiotherapy and even chemo.

As part of his investigations they actually found a separate tumour in his kidney which was a bit of a shock. The doctors have been very careful and are simply rescanning him every six months at present and it hasn't changed at all.

FIL has had it for years and years and just takes tablets. At 86 he is one of the. En who will die with PC rather than from it.

From your point of view I would keep contact as usual. Express interest and concern but it's unlikely you need to be rushing to his bedside or anything.

Good luck. Hope it doesn't become too stressful. Do they have a Macmillan equivalent in Oz? They are a great source of clear and supportive information.

Hi Gumblossom, the first thing that will happen is that your dad will have scans to check whether the cancer has spread outside the prostate, or gone to the lymph nodes, bone or other distant sites. Then a decision can be made about what treatment will be best for him.
I'd guess that with so many positive cores, its likely that they may recommend radiotherapy, possibly in combination with high dose rate brachytherapy.

In terms of support, I'd call them regularly, and see how things go tbh

Thanks so much for your replies. It helps to know what might happen next.

My dad is 75, and although he's diabetic, has high blood pressure and is on thyroid treatment, he is not overweight and has a healthy heart, so the urologist seemed pleased about that.

I too think that of all the cancers, prostrate is one of the "better" ones to deal with, but the way my mum and dad were talking, it seemed like it was the end for him.

I am not sure if we have an equivalent of Macmillan in Australia. I certainly haven't heard of anything like it while FIL was having treatment. I still need to have a look at the Cancer Australia website.

I spoke to my sister today and was a bit amazed that when she spoke to our parents after I had, they were very positive and talking about how they'd fight it,and not to worry etc. It was the complete opposite of the conversation I'd had with them. My sister is 4 years younger than me, and I wonder if they feel I am better able to cope with bad news, that I am more responsible? I don't know, but I was a bit shocked at the way they told me the news compared to how they told her.

I suppose it is irrelevant. I guess I'm dealing with some confusing emotions. I had an awful day at work today, feeling quite emotional and irritable.

Thanks again for your input.