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So. The final verdict is, after all my poor bits have been though, I will need a hysterectomy. And I just can't wrap my mind around it. So angry and sad.

(88 Posts)
Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 19:26:24

Title just about says it all.

Please bear with me, I am so angry and sad, so if I'm horrid and bitchy, I apologize in advance. And this will probably be long, but I need to get it off my chest.

The story of my poor knackered bits is probably all over MN, certainly on the Ragged Bits thread and I'm sure I've bored everyone to tears venting about DS's shitstorm birth (massively long unproductive labour, 4 hours + of pushing, forceps, 4th degree tear, incontinence, blah-de-blah-de-fucking-blah...). That was nearly 5 years ago. It's dragged on that long. I had an internal repair (trying to give me a semblance of a normal fanjo) when DS was a year old, perineal scar revision when he was 2 1/2. Since then have tried to cope womanfully with after-effects. Dx'd with prolapse a year or so ago, maybe longer. Prolapse worsened this past year. Went back to GP, was referred back to my original surgeon, who took a look and said "oh dear - I don't do those" grin and speed-referred me to another lovely surgeon whom I saw Weds.

Just as an aside - does anyone else come over all otherwise blush when a young (around my age), very very nice, good-looking surgeon has to rummage around in your bits? blush I suppose I'm happy he's not some grumpy old arsehole without any bedside manner... but <fans self> blush....

So. Abdominal hysterectomy (uterus, cervix and tubes), bladder lift (TVT) and enterocele repair.
I can't keep my uterus. I asked, and he said that he would be willing to try, but given the degree of prolapse and amount of wrongness in my down-below, and that my work is very physical and I'm otherwise very active, the risk of failure is high enough that he wasn't keen on it and I would have to be prepared to be back in 5-10 years for the full deal anyway. Honestly, no thanks... but...

My poor uterus. Please don't laugh at me but I'm already grieving for it. It's done nothing wrong. All it did was grow the most wonderful baby ever, and try its best to get him out, not helped in any way by my cunt of an incompetent midwife and the OB who let me go on pushing for ever and then yanked DS out with forceps. Exploding my bits in the process. I feel like Gollum in "The Hobbit". "Fucking midwife and OB... we hatesssssss it foreverrrrrrrr".

I'm so sad and angry.
Seriously? It's come down to this? I have to give up an organ because of one monumentally fucked up birth?

This shouldn't be happening. I mean, in the grand scheme of things (whatever the fuck that means) it's no big deal - I will be fine, DS is fine, everybody is fucking fine!!!!! - and other things shouldn't happen either, babies shouldn't die, nobody should get cancer, and all of those things are much much worse than what's happening here, I need to keep that in perspective... but dammit, seriously?????

I feel like I should apologize to my poor uterus. It's not my fault, it's not its fault, and we're both crying sad

Sorry to be such a drama-llama. I'm just so upset.

Sugarice Wed 16-Jan-13 19:35:49

Hi Jacks, sorry to read what a horrendous time you've had.

I'll stick my two pennies in if you don't mind.

I had a total Hysterectomy with BSO 8 weeks ago due to severe Endometriosis, ovarian cysts which were growing bigger and had a raised ca125 level probably caused by the Endo. I had never had any pain at all and was wary of having the surgery as my quality of life wasn't affected and it was such extensive surgery, it was all done abdominally.

It was the best decision I have ever made, I feel fantastic and have recovered so much more quickly than I would ever have imagined.

I was first offered the surgery with only 5 days notice back in Mid October which I turned down out of sheer panic shock then had a few weeks notice when I was recalled in Mid November.

Good luck and don't panic when you get the letter with a date.

Jacksmania Wed 16-Jan-13 18:43:18

Thanks thanks Thumb.

Told another friend yesterday and had a good sob on her shoulder. She was great - stamped her foot right along with me saying it's not fair!!!!!!
Strangely, I feel a lot better today smile

I do wish I had a firm surgical date though. The uncertainty of "any time this year with a month's notice" is hard.

Thumbwitch Wed 16-Jan-13 00:12:35

Ah JM, I knew this would be your thread. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) for you, my lovely.

It's not at all surprising that you feel devastated about losing your uterus - it's one of the uniquely female parts we have, and even when it's no longer useful, it can still feel like losing an aspect of your femininity to lose it. And as you say, it removes your choice of ever possibly considering maybe perhaps having another baby, even though you really don't want to.

But it's become a bit of a deadweight (literally!) in your bod, and needs to go now to allow the rest of you to function better again.

As for twats who interfere in your family set up angry, at least you'll have the perfect comeback for the next one - and you can watch them squirm, like QOD could.

Have more wine and possibly a brew and some thanks because you are lovely and having a rough time.

Jacksmania Tue 15-Jan-13 22:42:20

Oh, tissues! Well then, I'm definitely in grin

Not feeling so sad today.
Thanks thanks to all of you.

Shakey1500 Tue 15-Jan-13 21:38:50

It has every available alcoholic beverage known to woman/man/beast. And a variety of snacks. And tissues grin

Jacksmania Tue 15-Jan-13 21:04:04

Does your bus have wine and [gin], shakey? grin If so, I'm in.

And thank you for that story, I just had a belly laugh over it (sorry) and was still wheezing with laughter while on the phone waiting for a client to answer. I'm sure she wondered why I sounded so breathless grin

<waves at 14k>
Hello, fellow Raggedy smile and thank you for telling me about your op.

Shakey1500 Tue 15-Jan-13 19:49:42

Jacks You can hop on my "Fuck it" bus anytime, admission is free wink Hope you don't mind but it will be hippy-esque type of affair, CD's will be vetted in advance grin

Seriously though, I think you're attitude is great and will help you lots, even if it's masking an entitled sense of despair and finality.

Funnily enough, I was thinking at the beginning of the thread about a "farewell uterus" party, but wasn't sure whether to suggest it, but now another poster has, then it's the sort of thing I would do as well (how mad does that sound???)

I'm thinking of you.

As an aside, a cringey, fanjo related incident occurred at my work today. Because my nethers are so deformed, (TMI ALERT) if I'm sitting down and squeeze a fart out, it sometimes "bubbles" up to the (ahem) clitorial area and kind of rests there. It's a bugger because I never quite know when it's going to emerge. As it happens, it decided to stutter out (and trust me, it was a LONG stutter) as I walked to the tea room. I sounded like a fucking horse trotting down the corridor grin blush

I decided to mentally ring the "fuck it" bell on the "fuck it bus" smile

l4k Tue 15-Jan-13 19:11:09

I'm sorry, had unexpected visitors so just posted what I'd written, which was sooo long, sorry!!
Anyway, the happy ending is that I'm glad I had it. It's been over a year and it is normal now. In a good way. You will get past this , I'm sure.
Take care.

l4k Tue 15-Jan-13 16:01:47

Hi Jacks, we have met a few times on the ragged bits threads, ( my name was a bit longer originally !) so I couldn't read this and not comment.
It felt shocking and a bit like bereavement when they told me I had to have a hysterectomy to repair my prolapses (3) properly.
I cried in car parks, in bed in my utility room and anywhere else I happened to think about it. It wasn't about wanting more children, I have 4 and never wanted more. I was about 35 when the first gyne told me, I even booked the op for 6 months later but cancelled it. I went for 3 more opinions and eventually got my head round it. I then searched for an expert to get on with it. I had a hysterectomy ( vaginal taking cervix and leaving ovaries) , repair of large cystocele and moderate rectocele and perenium rebuild last winter and it went well. Not as much pain as expected and if I hadn't got an infection I'd have been dancing about after 6 weeks.
The thing is, how the hell did I live like that for so long? I was in daily pain and monthly agony and I just put up with it. I actually had got used to it
Another thing, at the age of 38 I got a reasonable sex life back. Before the op sex didn't hurt, because I Couldnt Bloody Feel anything. !!!! you are you

higgle Tue 15-Jan-13 15:33:34

Jacksmania - you have had the most dreadful time with your bits and pieces being rent assunder by medical incompetence, of course you can feel very angry indeed. I just wanted to post because despite all your anger and dismay you come across as someone with great fortitude and (yes, it does show through) a sense of wry humour. It is all horrid, but somehow I'm sure you will come out the other side with a better quality of life. Sometimes the god of small mercies smiles on us when everything goes wrong, I think he has sent yu this lovely surgeon!

Schnullerbacke Tue 15-Jan-13 15:12:17

Hi Jacksmania,

I know how you are feeling and you are absolutely entitled to feel gutted. I'm in the same boat I suppose. Haven't had my prolapse checked as such, when I briefly talked to the doctor about it he mentioned a hysterectomy and I just burst into tears. Its not like having your tonsils out or a wart removed, its our womb. He was so blase about it, I could have kicked his face in.

I'm trying to work up the courage to go to doc to find out how bad things are, I suspect its not gonna be good news. I'm 37 this year, I don't want to have more kids but I want to keep my bits. As others have said, one does come to terms with it but I cannot face it.

I don't know what else to say but you are not alone! Big hugs.

Jacksmania Tue 15-Jan-13 14:46:24

<oh> <eek> <ouch> at all that air in the abdomen shock

Yes, abdominal for me. Maybe it will be just like having a C-section? And I can just get on with it after a week or so? [hopeful]

swisscottage Tue 15-Jan-13 12:55:46

Oh yes, just seen that you asked about recovery - I had it all done vaginally and apparently they blow in a huge amount of air into your abdomen to help the process - nobody medically warned me that this hurts a hell of a lot afterwards - I needed pethidine for the first day or two. I went home after four nights and every day afterwards felt stronger and stronger. I felt a a bit tired for six weeks or so but got back to normal relatively quickly. It really wasn't horrendous at all. I think you mentioned that you were having it abdominally so recovery will be longer.

swisscottage Tue 15-Jan-13 12:50:28

I sympathise with you as I have been through the exact operation three years ago. I had a pretty bad uterine/vaginal prolapse due to a difficult birth, also cystocele and rectocele. I was perimenopausal when they mentioned they had to take my uterus out, (apparently it is in the way to perform the TVT and repairs), I did feel it was all so "final" and I felt quite upset that there would be no more babies. This was ridiculous as I was probably incapable of getting pregnant at this stage!!! I think it is totally normal to feel like you do, but years on, I am so relieved that I went through the operation as everything is like "new" down there!!! I had my cervix removed too and no problem there smile

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Tue 15-Jan-13 06:08:07

In a while, yes you probably will look back and be glad you had it done, as soon else said maybe even the best thing you've ever done.

Nothing wrong with grieving in the meantime.

It is such an extreme exprience of what can go wrong at and after birth so I'm not surprise you feel like that. You will have good days and bads days. On e this is done the bad days should be minimal x

Jacksmania Tue 15-Jan-13 02:48:47

Well deserved grin

So, in contrast to the orgy of self-pity, on an evening like this when I'm just one big draggy ache, maybe this isn't going to be so bad.

Maybe.

Meh sad

QOD Mon 14-Jan-13 23:09:14

She did feel bad which I kind of enjoyed

Happy to help ;)

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 23:05:50

thus --> this

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 23:05:02

Oh QOD, I am just PMSL at your post grin through tears but god, that was funny!!

Drjohnsonscat - thank you blush

Honestly, I think I'll be ok, too. Eventually. Just right now I feel like shit. And I'm usually big on sucking it in but thus is too big and keeping it all in doesn't feel healthy somehow.

Thanks for the hand-holding and gin and grins.

It all helps.

QOD Mon 14-Jan-13 22:41:09

People suck, someone asked me the other day if I had a coil, I said no, she said pill? I said no, she said well what the fuck do you use then? You don't make dh wear jackets do you?

I said no dear, I'm infertile

Twats grin

I'm sorry about your op, thank crap it's not for issues that will continue to affect your health, no nasties, damaged cack you need to get OUT to improve your quality of life x

drjohnsonscat Mon 14-Jan-13 22:29:27

gawd that sounds awful. Honestly I take my hat off to you and all women who go through all this utter crap to bring the world babies. Why is the world not currently giving you and all the other women like you a standing ovation/gold medal/massive hug/large cheque?

You are not being dramatic. You should be able to give birth and remain more or less intact, not ripped to shreds on a permanent basis. Horrible that this happened to you but I salute you and your uterus for all you have done and congratulate you for having what seems to me to be a really good attitude to it. You are entitled to quite a bit of foot stamping after all that.

Jacksmania, how utterly shit for you. And your uterus.

May I just say that I strongly suspect you will be fine, but the end of it all. You are strong, you have a good head and sense of humour. You will grieve and then find a way to make your peace with the situation you find yourself with.

Yy about the removal of choice being the hardest thing.
My mum was 39 when she had her hysterectomy - she'd had 2 DC, we were in our teens, no way was she planning further children, and yet...

Totally fine to feel v angry about where you are now. And what got you here. Your labour/delivery sounds horrendous.

My only personal experience of surgery is 1 emCS and recovery was absolutely fine, but I don't think that that compares with an abdominal hysterectomy.
You may find it will take you longer than 6 weeks to recover to your full strength though. Pain can be controlled, general weakness and feeling wabbit takes however long it take IYKWIM.

<<hands Jacks a box of Kleenex>>

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 21:52:32

No, that does actually help. Positive stories are good!! Thanks to fengirl and anyone else who's had one and told me about it. I'm taking it all in, I really am.
Just sort of wallowing still sad and stuck in feeling angry.
I'm giving myself two more days to really kick things and be mad.
After that I make no promises about relapsing occasionally it's time to get on shakey's "fuck it, it is what it is" bus and get on with it.
Plus counselling of course. I'm not dumb enough to think I can sort this out by myself.

Can I ask what the recovery was like? The real nitty-gritty of the first week or so? That's what's giving me a wibble. Once I can walk again, I know I'll be fine.
Does it hurt a lot?

Eh, never mind me for a moment, I'm just going to hunt down some Kleenex.

cocolepew Mon 14-Jan-13 21:47:46

I sorry jacks, I have read some of your posts before.

After numerous gynae/bladder problems and a couple of operations I had a full hysterectomy in the summer. It was the best thing I could have done. Probably no consolation to you.
Good luck x

fengirl1 Mon 14-Jan-13 21:47:10

Hi Jacks, just wanted to say I had a hysterectomy last year at 46. The only thing that made me a little sad was to see follicles in my ovaries on a scan.... I too had prolapses and actually told anyone and everyone about it (although I didn't go into all of my symptoms) as I got into a bit of a crusade about prolapse for a while. I'm happy to say I feel hugely better after my repairs and hysterectomy. I hope you get there too.

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