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So. The final verdict is, after all my poor bits have been though, I will need a hysterectomy. And I just can't wrap my mind around it. So angry and sad.

(88 Posts)
Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 19:26:24

Title just about says it all.

Please bear with me, I am so angry and sad, so if I'm horrid and bitchy, I apologize in advance. And this will probably be long, but I need to get it off my chest.

The story of my poor knackered bits is probably all over MN, certainly on the Ragged Bits thread and I'm sure I've bored everyone to tears venting about DS's shitstorm birth (massively long unproductive labour, 4 hours + of pushing, forceps, 4th degree tear, incontinence, blah-de-blah-de-fucking-blah...). That was nearly 5 years ago. It's dragged on that long. I had an internal repair (trying to give me a semblance of a normal fanjo) when DS was a year old, perineal scar revision when he was 2 1/2. Since then have tried to cope womanfully with after-effects. Dx'd with prolapse a year or so ago, maybe longer. Prolapse worsened this past year. Went back to GP, was referred back to my original surgeon, who took a look and said "oh dear - I don't do those" grin and speed-referred me to another lovely surgeon whom I saw Weds.

Just as an aside - does anyone else come over all otherwise blush when a young (around my age), very very nice, good-looking surgeon has to rummage around in your bits? blush I suppose I'm happy he's not some grumpy old arsehole without any bedside manner... but <fans self> blush....

So. Abdominal hysterectomy (uterus, cervix and tubes), bladder lift (TVT) and enterocele repair.
I can't keep my uterus. I asked, and he said that he would be willing to try, but given the degree of prolapse and amount of wrongness in my down-below, and that my work is very physical and I'm otherwise very active, the risk of failure is high enough that he wasn't keen on it and I would have to be prepared to be back in 5-10 years for the full deal anyway. Honestly, no thanks... but...

My poor uterus. Please don't laugh at me but I'm already grieving for it. It's done nothing wrong. All it did was grow the most wonderful baby ever, and try its best to get him out, not helped in any way by my cunt of an incompetent midwife and the OB who let me go on pushing for ever and then yanked DS out with forceps. Exploding my bits in the process. I feel like Gollum in "The Hobbit". "Fucking midwife and OB... we hatesssssss it foreverrrrrrrr".

I'm so sad and angry.
Seriously? It's come down to this? I have to give up an organ because of one monumentally fucked up birth?

This shouldn't be happening. I mean, in the grand scheme of things (whatever the fuck that means) it's no big deal - I will be fine, DS is fine, everybody is fucking fine!!!!! - and other things shouldn't happen either, babies shouldn't die, nobody should get cancer, and all of those things are much much worse than what's happening here, I need to keep that in perspective... but dammit, seriously?????

I feel like I should apologize to my poor uterus. It's not my fault, it's not its fault, and we're both crying sad

Sorry to be such a drama-llama. I'm just so upset.

PoppyWearer Sun 13-Jan-13 20:12:56

Sympathy Jacksmania, my births have not been as bad as yours sounds, but I have been dealing with a prolapse and the prospect of surgery for the past year or so. Things seem to have improved now but I am awaiting a new appointment to get the final verdict.

I think I will escape a full hysterectomy but a partial one may be on the cards.

Anyway, I am sorry you've had such a long ordeal, it sounds awful.

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 20:21:10

I have had counselling, to get over DS's birth, and I've already contacted my counsellor to get my head around this. (Counselling is private here.)

I made a complaint against my midwife after DS's birth, and against the OB. Neither, unfortunately, went very far. I pursued both as far as I could. The midwife, apparently, remembers me quite well to this day [evil emoticon]. Our professional paths cross occasionally - not in person but through clients we both see. It gives me an evil amount of satisfaction to know that she must cringe when my name comes up.

perspective Sun 13-Jan-13 20:23:15

Really feel for you Jacks. We are all women and our uterus and other bits define us as women. You have a wonderful don and are allowed to grieve for parts of yourself.

If its any consolation my sister had a hysterectomy 10 years ago age 38. It was eventually a relief for her after living with a prolapse for years. She is now one of the most vigorous people I know! Skis, horse rides, gym, you name it. I'm sure you will feel physically much better. For now, grieve, think, process what you need to.

Big hug.

perspective Sun 13-Jan-13 20:24:47

Wonderful ds. Damn phone!

JourneyThroughLife Sun 13-Jan-13 20:30:41

Sorry to hear about your terrible time, sending lots of sympathy. I understand the grieving, especially if you wanted more children.

I have some experience, I had a hysterectomy after my second child; it was easier because I already had the family I wanted. I had everything taken away, it was a big operation and I felt weak afterwards but life did get back to normal. I refused HRT afterwards because I wanted to see how my body reacted first. I'm pleased to say I've never needed HRT and the operation was 10 years ago now.

I had my cervix removed and everything, it didn't (and doesn't) stop me having good sex and plenty of orgasms.

I'd say don't listen to all the scare stories....and there are benefits, like no monthly periods, no monthly stomach cramps, and built-in contraception....)

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 20:31:17

Thank you to every single one of you thanks for listening and understanding thanks.

Meglet Sun 13-Jan-13 20:33:08

You poor thing and your poor bits sad.

I've had my uterus and cervix out (although that was a precaution against cervical cancer). Still got my ovaries though, so while I don't have periods anymore my hormones are still going strong. They did check my ovaries at the time and they were healthy so no need to whip them out.

The op is fairly heavy going, but IME as it was the first rest I'd had since having DC's it was actually quite nice slowing down for a few weeks.

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 20:39:12

grin Meglet

Yes, 6 weeks of lazing around and being waited on does sound quite nice smile

Just wish I could get that without having to give up a body part. sad

Why me? sad
Hell, why not me.
But it's an interesting realization that this shit doesn't just happen to other people. Or that we are all, occasionally, "other people".

Shakey1500 Sun 13-Jan-13 20:48:12

I can relate to the "why me" feeling.

I remember, as I dilated 7cm in 40mins absolutely HOWLING in excrutiating pain (honestly I felt like an animal) in a rare moment of clarity amidst the surreal "other wordly" feelings, thinking "Fucking HELL, I knew it would be painful but millions of others have done this and come through the other side, I am SOOOO not going to make it intact. WHY??? WHY ME????"

perplexedpirate Sun 13-Jan-13 20:49:02

Christ almighty, OP, that sounds hellish. Poor, poor you. sad
No advice, but massive un MN <<hug>>.
Hope it all goes as well and as quickly as can be expected and that midwife and doctor get their comeuppance.
winebrewthanks: whichever helps most!

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 20:54:14

<checks clock>
Hmmm, 12:53 pm...

<grabs wine>

grin

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 20:55:36

(((((*Shakey*)))))

I've been on three Ragged Bits threads now, and have certainly heard worse stories than mine... but fucking hell - so many of us have been through the mill sad

Shakey1500 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:35:29

And ((())) to you also.

<sighs and mind wanders> Funnily enough, I also had two consultants. I only realised after the 3rd operation that the first was an incompetent arsewipe. My lovely second consultant took the time to actually listen to me you know? I begged him to fix me, draw a diagram of my battered nethers to pinpoint exactly where the pain was and I knew this was "last chance saloon".

I was 38 when I fell pregnant by accident. Had never wanted kids really. Knew I'd only have one but bloody hell, after a labour like that there was no way on this earth that I was going through that again. It's a shocker isn't it?? Even on the ward with all the other new mums, looking so content (they probably weren't but they certainly looked more recovered than I!). I was (I believe) in actual shock. Not a clue where I was really or what to do. The midwife asked me had I fed DS. I just shrugged in a kind of "What the hell has that got to do with me?" kind of way. Totally out of it.

I also tried to go down the legal route. Not enough evidence to do anything apparently hmm so I threw in the towel as it was doing me no good.

I really feel for you and know that, in cyber land, you have me GRR-ING on your behalf at the unnecessary injustice of it all thanks

InkleWinkle Sun 13-Jan-13 21:49:56

It's one thing to make a decision, quite another to have that decision made for you.
You are not a drama-llama (may steal that phrase though for further use!) but you will go through and will NEED to properly grieve.
Much love to you.

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 22:21:32

Feel free to steal, I got it from here smile

I'm so glad I'm not being completely incoherent and ridiculous.
Or, if I am, that you're all putting up with me.

It's good to be able to vent. I was feeling so horrible my chest was hurting. You know, that awful feeling of pressure - like something just has to give.
I still feel that way but not quite so alone.

thanks

hellymelly Sun 13-Jan-13 22:36:43

Bloody hell Jacks you have every right to be angry. As others have said, its one thing to need an op because of illness but another entirely to need one due to someone's incompetence. I feel very annoyed on your behalf that you haven't had wads of compensation. If a medic had made a mistake that led to a man's penis being amputated there would I feel, be a rather different reaction. I've had two c-sections, so my bits are intact thus far, but I would be devastated to lose my uterus, even though I am at an age where it will be shutting up shop soon. Why do you need your ovaries taken? A surgical menopause can be rather brutal , although friend's experiences vary wildly.
I hope the surgery itself goes well. Certainly my friends who were suffering a lot of pain and/or problems before, have been much happier post surgery, if that helps. In one case it took a while to get the HRT regime settled but once they had worked out what she could tolerate, she was a different person.

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 22:40:36

No, the ovaries are going to stay smile
Uterus, tubes and cervix. But ovaries are staying residence thank fuck.

MooseBeTimeForCoffee Sun 13-Jan-13 22:46:25

Oh Jacks sad

I didn't know your back story. Sending big hugs smile

I was 39. I see you've had one wine. Only another 38 to go ...

BluelightsAndSirens Sun 13-Jan-13 22:50:52

jacks my love. I didn't know sad I'm here to hold your hand and google funnies when needed x x

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 22:52:06

I can definitely use wine and funnies xxx

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 13-Jan-13 23:03:54

Jacks my love, I am so sorry for you and Ute, good old thing that she is! That's shitty shitty news, but you know what, hopefully it will be an end to this nightmare?! You are definitely NOT a drama llama x

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 13-Jan-13 23:16:56

Thank you for reminding me to do my pfe.

I just got my first hospital appt through for my prolapses. You sound amazing, like you can cope with anything. Hope I am that strong.

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 23:18:44

Thanks Chipping thanks
Well, yes, this should be the end of the drama <looks on bright side>.

Once I get my head around it.

An acquaintance of mine needed a hysterectomy at age 31 for massive fibroids. She had a "goodbye uterus" party, and had a pinata made to look like a uterus and everyone had a good whack at it grin
I might have to look into that...

... on second thought. No. I'm way too private in RL to do anything like that blush.

I tend to let it out to a few good friends and you nest of lovely vipers smile

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 23:26:33

I sound amazing? blush How? I've been a sobbing wreck since Wednesday sad
Thank you though [goes on faking it, obviously extremely well]. thanks

Cailleach Sun 13-Jan-13 23:35:59

Both my grannies had only one kid: both were so badly damaged by giving birth to their one and only child that they had to have hysterectomies.

Mind you: paternal granny is only 4'10 and my dad weighed 13 pounds, so perhaps that was always going to happen: but isn't it frustrating that things like this are still happening to women, 60 years later?

As someone with a prolapse, Jacks, I can sympathise. I have been told mine was there pre-birth but has got worse since having twins. However, there's not much they can do for me yet "until it gradually gets worse with age."

So that's something to look forward to then! sad

x

C

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