It has taken me about a year to write this post. I have now for a long long time from reading these boards accepted that I have a problem. I want to be normal, want to have a drink or two now and again, but I can't. And I don't want to carry on like this.
I can't spend too long thinking about all there is to say that has brought me to this point, otherwise I will never ever click the button and finally finally finally say it out loud, even if just on the Internet.
On the outside, I am totally functional, 3 DC, lovely marriage, happy home, part time work....but I am haunted by by inability to control my drinking. Recently I have been able to control it more - nights off, no drinking in the week, but I still give in when I don't want to. And I drink fast, and I generally am always the one that drinks the most. And I had a night recently whe I drunk 1.5 bottles of wine on my own, and know that is pretty awful. My DH is lovely, but doesn't get how bad it is (generally unobservant plus I lie about my alcohol consumption).
I am having CBT for anxiety, but I have had this moment of clarity today that my anxiety is so much a mental health problem cause by my drinking. Bt I am so scared of going next session and telling my therapist that it is alcohol that is the real problem in my life, and anxiety is secondary. But I know I probably should?
Also, should I not even thinking about 'moderation' in getting on top of my alcohol issues? Should I be thinking only of abstinence? When I was pregnant and followed very strictly the '1 or 2 units once or twice a week' ( as it was then) I was in my ideal world - I learnt that actually a small glass of wine when iut for dinner was all I wanted (I would then get full and tired and that kne glass had fully satisfied me), one small glass of champagne at a wedding, and then having coherent conversations and waking uo hangover and GUILT FREE made my world a very very happy place. And it was am awakening, I drunk, and could look forward to a glass of wine, but in complete moderation with no consequences (I know some dispute re drinking in pg but I w sticking to the guidelines at the time, and don't want to have a conversation about that now)..so how have I let myself get back here?
I used ti be a very heavy smoker and I ave managed to stop entirely. I believe I can conquer my problems with alcohol, because I have done it with smoking (I don't underestimate how bloody awful it will be, I say this because I tell myself this to feel hopeful rather than 'can't do anything about it so may as well keep drinking).
My mum was/is an alcoholic but she has not drunk for 10 years or so. I admire her, but yet there were some awful awful times when I was younger which I still feel very very angry about. The one thing in the whole world that k want is to not do the same to my kids.
I a not sure the point of my post, I just know I have got to the point that I can say all this. I never thought I would even get this far. I know I have a problem - it has taken me a long time to accept this but I am now finally there. It is what to do now. I have read so many posts that say AA...but the thought of that terrifies me so much, that I think it would prevent me from tackling my problem. Is it not the case that there are all different kinds of treatment methods, including CBT? Should I start with my current therapist? Should I go back to the GP?
I am waffling, this is long and I am about to chicken out and delete and carry in drinking wine and watching the xfactor. I feel pathetic, but please be kind, I am very very very scared. And j have also (I hope) namechanged.
I guess I really want some advice on where to go next....
Thank you.
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General health
So scared about posting but need to do something about my drinking
56 replies
Somethinggottagive · 17/11/2012 21:00
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