I'm new here, but I really need some help and advice. I have 2 children, a son of 11 and a daughter of 8. I am separated from their father but I have a lovely husband and 2 step daughters aged 7 and 4 whom I love dearly and look after for 3 days per week. We have been together for 3 years.
The elder of my 2 step daughters isn't always easy to understand, I think she has problems as her mum obviously can't bear her and she has seen child psychologists. She is, however, very sweet and I try hard to praise her when she is good and support and guide her when she isn't. I am almost as close to her as I am with my daughter, who is 6 months older, the pair are best friends.
So, this is where my mum comes in. She has always been a habitual liar, if you asked her which way she drove home she would tell a lie rather than tell the truth. I was neglected by her as a child and have suffered pretty bad mental problems since childhood, which fortunately I have under control. I ignore the past and her ongoing lies and half-truths so that she can have a relationship with my children and because I don't think she knows the impact she has on other people. Perhaps I should say she is delusional rather than a liar.
Recently, she has told lies about my eldest step daughter. She isn't comfortable with how close I am with both of them, and thinks I am somehow taking love away from my own daughter (her granddaughter). She has told me that my step daughter told my daughter that she is ugly because she wears glasses. I just knew this wasn't true, and when I carefully broached my daughter about the subject she confirmed that Sarah had never tormented her about her glasses and had actually said how much she liked her new purple ones.
I have ignored my mum's lies since I was 5 years old, but I cannot bear that she is now trying to turn me against my step daughter. My partner does not want her in our house (understandably). I have reached a point where I must say something, but it will probably mean I never see my mum again. Anyone with any words of advice, please help me, I am really struggling with this...
It doesn't sound like she's a positive influence in your DC's lives, and certainly not in yours.
Can I presume to be an armchair psychologist here for a moment. You put up with your mother's behaviour when you were a child because you didn't know any different, and of course you wanted to be a good daughter. But now you see this behaviour acted out on your SD, who you naturally feel protective of, you have come to the end of your tolerance of her.
If your partner also does not want her in your house, then tell her, if she wants to stay in contact with your DCs then she has to stop the lies and accept your stepdaughters as part of your family. If she fails to do this, then you see her once a year or not at all.
I'd take professional advice - start with your GP. I would also not let your mother be alone with the children or come that often! Kids understand more than we sometimes give them credit for. Dealing with mental health issues is part of life. I think its possible your children could understand that grandma is delusional and mixes truth and fiction and you can't always believe what she says. Does your mother understand when she does it? Can she help doing it? Should she be the one to also go to the GP?