I feel like an abortion i chose to have is a bereavement.

(50 Posts)
bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 12:44:18

I feel totally traumatized. I left an abusive relationship that ended in a serious assault and conviction just before christmas, found out i was pregnant and had an abortion two weeks after. Now months on i am hart broken but totally aware that to morn an abortion is ridiculas, especially as i have always been so pro choice and a beliver that at an early stage it is a group of cells being desroyed and nothing else.

Before the final assault i was desperte for anouther baby and now i am hart broken beyond reason.

bristolcities Sat 03-Mar-12 13:17:56

so sorry i haven't been back. It's hard to read people being nice, mainly because i find sympathy very tricky and too real, guess that's part of the reason i haven't told any one in RL. You are all fantastic and i think even just having typed the words and read your responses may have help, actually i know it really has. Thank you all so much. And yes I totally agree being pro-choice for me simply means that a women should never be denied the chance to make informed choices, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. But im am surprises by how much it does hurt. xxxx

chipmonkey Fri 02-Mar-12 22:56:56

FWIW, my baby died when she was 7 weeks old and I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling that you are grieving too. You have been through a terrible ordeal and are grieving a baby you couldn't bring into the world. You really didn't have a choice, did you? Please be kind to yourself.

differentnameforthis Fri 02-Mar-12 22:53:51

Of course you can grieve & mourn. In fact, I think you must, because you obviously need to.

I had a termination a few years ago, and I would say that you go through a grieving process of sorts. I did what I knew was right & I have no regrets. But it was still a hard process to go through! And same as you, I am pro choice etc. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, didn't bother me to have to do it. Some people think that being pro choice means we enjoy hearing about/having.encouraging women to have terminations, but that obviously isn't true. We just believe that a woman is allowed to decide if it is her best option. And it also means that we can support those who do take that option!

I have no idea if what I am trying to say is coming out as I want it to. In short, just because you are pro choice, doesn't mean that you can't grieve for your baby/pregnancy. Being pro choice doesn't negate those feelings.

I was told (by a friend) that perhaps explaining to the baby I didn't have, why I did it. And to say goodbye. Now, I know that may sound daft, especially to those that don't believe in all that stuff, but it helped me. Maybe it was the saying it out loud, maybe it was 'talking' to my child that never was,...I don't know, but in some way it helped.

No one has any right to tell you what to feel, so if you feel grief, grieve. Holding onto such a strong emotion isn't going to help you! If you don't want your little lad to see you upset, when he is asleep, have some private time & do what you need to do to get you through this.

SardineQueen Fri 02-Mar-12 22:41:01

As in, they say in US if you have an abortion there is religious aspect etc but the site itself looks neutral and helpful smile

SardineQueen Fri 02-Mar-12 22:40:19

link to wearenotinkansas link

remember it's american so there is talk about religious aspect but their stance and ideas are very neutral from a quick scan through.

SardineQueen Fri 02-Mar-12 22:38:40

That site looks helpful smile

It is a US one though so there are some cultural differences but it looks like a helpful kind site.

OP maybe talking with people who feel similarly might help?

wearenotinkansas Fri 02-Mar-12 22:10:43

you might find this site of help.

http://www.afterabortion.com/

duchesse Fri 02-Mar-12 19:19:56

In your situation there were so many extremely valid reasons to terminate. You should not ever ever feel guilty about doing it.

Emotionally of course it is harder to recover. Even from a hormonal point of view you will not yet be back to normal. I second the advice to get some RL counselling that will be more tailor-made to you and your circumstances and I wish you well in your recovery. You are also of course recovering from being in an abusive relationship, which will take time. May your recovery be as swift as possible.

SardineQueen Fri 02-Mar-12 19:10:20

Just posting to say hello and I hope you are OK smile

HandMadeTail Thu 01-Mar-12 22:50:33

You don't get lots of time to make a decision about a termination. You made the best choice at the time. It's fine to grieve, and you have every right to do so. Do see if you can get counselling. And look at how many people are sympathising with you. You are a good person, and some bad things have happened to you. All the very best to you. Xxx

ZillionChocolate Thu 01-Mar-12 22:41:33

Definitely try and get some real life support. You shouldn't be dealing with this alone.

Jellykat Thu 01-Mar-12 19:27:02

Agree, please call WA again, as Wilson said they're really stretched.

I had a termination 25 years ago, it feels like yesterday, i still remember crying as soon as i came around from the GA, as did the lady next to me, and i hadn't been through what you've been through as well.

I really can't see how anyone would think you are being a drama addict, you need to let it out, how you are feeling is completely justified and very important, please ring WA tomorrow and keep posting x

SardineQueen Thu 01-Mar-12 18:41:35

Yes please do call them smile

WilsonFrickett Thu 01-Mar-12 17:49:30

Oh sweetheart, please try again. They're really stretched and sometimes a phone call can be forgotten, you know? You need to talk in RL in a safe space. No harm in keeping it private from friends though if you feel that's what you want to do, but you do need to talk to someone I think.

bristolcities Thu 01-Mar-12 12:24:58

Hello smile i have spoken to women's aid, i went for an initial meeting then expected a follow up call but nothing. I will try again. I haven't really told any one that im really close to. I just feel that i have put everyone through so much with this relationship already that for fear of sounding like a drama addict its best left. Hence why it was all so secret that id rove my self to and from the clinic and went to work that evening.

WilsonFrickett Thu 01-Mar-12 10:16:18

I think TCOB's phrase of this being 'a necessary sadness' is a really good one OP. You made the right choice (necessary) but it is still sad, sad, sad.

Anyway, I just popped in to see how you were feeling today and to maybe nag you a bit about going to see the GP, or calling Women's Aid maybe? I know they provide counselling for DV and I'm guessing your situation won't be that unusual. Let us know how you are x

SardineQueen Wed 29-Feb-12 21:44:42

What about your parents, your mum, can you talk to them?
Any other friends you could talk to?

Can you do something like, I don't know, plant a tree or have a candle or something to release some of the sadness and remember him? I don't know I have no experience of this I just feel how terrible you feel and I wish I could help.

SardineQueen Wed 29-Feb-12 21:40:15

Definitely not an ethical dilemma confused

Are there any organisations you could call to talk with, who could maybe help? Just thinking that there are all sorts of helplines for all sorts of things that there must be one that you would be able to talk to about your bereavement and the situation you were in.

Does anyone on the thread have any ideas?

I really feel for you, I really do. I wish I could do something or say something to make it better but obviously I can't.

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 21:27:25

I know it was only a group of cells, but i want my baby. X

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 21:25:03

Thank you so much all of you. Yes it all helps hugely! The shared experiences are fantastic. And yes i to think putting it heat is entirely insensative. Thank you all again so much. I will see my GP and hope they are more helpful this time. X x x

TCOB Wed 29-Feb-12 20:50:15

I still mourn mine of eleven years ago and think each year of when that child's birthday would have been. I remain totally pro-choice (without it I may have been a vicitim of some back-street butcher) but for me, my abortion was the greatest (necessary) sadness of my life so far. I hope hearing this helps you bristol - you have every right to mourn because sad things have happened. I have never dealt with what I did and I regret that bitterly - I wish you all the help and courage in the world and please remember - you didn't make your circumstances shit, and you have the right to to grieve that they were.

Ambrosius Wed 29-Feb-12 20:42:58

YANBU I still mourn the pregnancy I terminated 6 years ago. But I know it was the right thing to do. It is a bereavement. ((hugs))
MNHQ I find it pretty upsetting and insensitive that this thread in 'ethical dilemmas'

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 20:19:07

you need to stop punishing yourself - what your partner did to you was NOT your fault, and what you had to do was NOT your fault. Please please please go to your GP and insist on counselling. Im am very wary of saying the wrong thing and making things worse for you. You need to talk to someone who will enable you to get this all out and is trained to help you come to terms with your own feelings xxx

bristolcities Wed 29-Feb-12 20:11:39

Thankyou, i have been carrying this around with me for months and bar watching every single program i can about baby's this is the closest i have come to counselling or even just talking about it. xxxx

desperatenotstupid Wed 29-Feb-12 19:59:49

no, i dont really see it as an ethical dilemma either, maybe chat would have been a better place for it? just not AIBU

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