Moving again, to stay or go?

(13 Posts)
Heavywheezing Tue 15-Jan-13 17:12:30

My husband has been told that his job is moving again.

We have been married 10 years and had to move 3 times to different parts of the country. Last move about 2.6 years ago.

We live near Bristol now and I'm very happy here. My ds has started at a lovely primary school but is sn.ds2 is 1.9 and probably could move anywhere.

There's a chance we'd have to move back to the midlands, which I hated but life was different then, we both worked and had no children.

So I'm faced with staying here with the boys on my own whilst husband works away. Or moving again and ds finding a new school.

If I stay I will split the boys up from seeing their dad some nights, he could not commute from Bristol to Solihull everyday.

But he not necessarily would be home in the midlands, all the time. So it could be the case of dumping us somewhere else and seeing us occasionally.

Either way the family is not going to be the same.

Just asking what you might do?

hi Heavywheezing i can see your point its a tough one i understand you dont want to move esp as your happy me personally if i was in this situation i think because its for your dh work it cant be helped so i would prob move if it was the last choice but i totally understand its a no win situation if you stay or move as you mention he still may not be home in the midlands all the time have you discussed how your feeling with your dh good luck hun

slev Wed 16-Jan-13 08:17:36

I'd be tempted to give it a few months living apart and see how it goes. You may find it's not as bad as you think, and it'll be no more difficult to move later in the year if you decide that's the better option - whereas if you moved and hated it, that would be a lot harder to backtrack from.

We did it for 6 months or so when DH was offered a job elsewhere and it's not quite as bad as you might think (admittedly this was pre-children). You just get into a slightly different routine and make the most of the weekends when you are together. Not ideal and we did decide to move in the end, but at least by that point we had a better idea of what the long-term picture looked like.

Good luck with whatever you decide....

Mosman Thu 17-Jan-13 09:28:59

My hubby worked 300 miles away fron Monday to Friday and then just as we were about to make the move to be with him he failed his probation period and we were back to square one. I do have to say the commute played no small part in his failure and if I could do it again I would take the kids to see him rather than getting him to come up and down the motorway.

flowery Thu 17-Jan-13 09:43:45

Is he looking for a job locally?

Your children are at an age where they will settle into a new area well as they won't have long established friendships etc where you are yet.

Heavywheezing Fri 18-Jan-13 19:29:17

He was told today that his job is moving to Solihull. Funny enough where ds1 was born.

But next year he could be back in Bristol.

I'm so disappointed. I feel that it's a no win situation. I'm here with the boys on my own or go to live in solihull which I never liked before. He can't really come home all of the time as he needs to be in work at 5.00 am some mornings.

What a bugger

Heavywheezing I'm new to the employment threads so don't know you at all but just wanted to say if the job is only for one year (possibly) I would give it a try living apart for a year part of the week and would also ask him to see if he can do any work from home etc (no idea what he does but most jobs in offices etc can be done remotely etc at least part of the time, but I am sure you have considered that).

As you say he would be away from home a bit even when there then at least staying in your current area you would have (I assume) support, back-up etc. Where as moving to a new area, or back to an area you lived in pre-kids you would not (probably) have access to babysitters, help etc.

I guess it also depends what DH thinks and I would certainly think either situation could put a strain on your marriage so best to make sure all is very well before this time because it may well be stressful etc for all.

Anyway, just my thoughts as I am wanting to post my own question on these threads!

All the best.

Bigwuss Sat 19-Jan-13 09:26:51

Can he negotiate a day or two working from home so he would be away for a shorter number of days in the week?
I think, for a year, personally, I would be looking to try and make living apart work.

mollymole Sat 19-Jan-13 09:30:11

From what you say about a possible move back to Bristol in a years time I would give it a go at the travelling/living apart idea. After all it would only be Monday - Thursday. Would his employers look at paying him some 'lodge' money as they are the ones moving him around.

juneau Sat 19-Jan-13 09:32:54

If you like where you are and he might move back to Bristol in another year, I'd stay put. It's not ideal, but at least you and the DC will be living somewhere you like and you won't have all this upheaval again in another 12 months.

tribpot Sat 19-Jan-13 09:41:45

Is this process of moving regularly like to stay a feature of his job? If so, you might as well pick one place and stay there as a family as you clearly can't be moving every year or 18 months unless you're living a very particular lifestyle (military or international are two that spring to mind, where things are structured around a constant movement of staff and families together).

The Midlands would have obvious advantages geographically if you need to base yourself in one place but you are settled where you are, you have a child who may find it particularly difficult to resettle in primary (I wouldn't do it and my ds isn't SN but finds each new year even in his existing school quite daunting).

Why is he agreeing to keep moving? Is it the sort of job that just does move around a lot, or is his firm just having a larf? What would happen if he refused to move?

Heavywheezing Sat 19-Jan-13 11:24:21

tribot he has to keep moving otherwise he would lose his job.

We originally lived in Wales, where we are from, and the company closed down and moved to Solihull. We lived there for 6 years. In the mean time, he changed jobs to another company who moved him back to Wales.
That company closed and we moved Bristol.
This company has restructured, and moved him back to Solihull!

It is like being in the military. Very similar.

I gave up my career as a teacher, I can't see me going back anytime soon, if I have small children and seem to keep moving.

He doesn't work Monday to Friday either. 5 on 4 off on a roster pattern.

tribpot Sat 19-Jan-13 12:09:42

Okay - the way you've described the moving could be either a run of bad luck (company keeps running into difficulties and so moving base) or a more deliberate part of the role. Let's assume the latter.

Like military spouses therefore you probably have two choices - one is to adapt to the life on the move (as an aside, this is a hilarious read about the life of a diplomatic trailing spouse). The other is to stay in one place and adapt to having a DH who may be absent for long periods of time but given his roster pattern, may also be around during the week. I have a friend whose DH is in the merchant navy and that can be a bit similar - he might be gone for a month but then back for a fortnight and able to do a lot of 'home' stuff that 9-5ers can't do.

Staying in one place would have a lot of advantages for you, I think - not least the ability to re-establish your career in the future if you want to. Obviously it's not ideal but then neither is having to move about with small children. So you probably need to consider all options (including your DH looking for different work in his industry, which is ultimately what my merchant navy friend did).

If it is a bit like being in the military, are the support networks there to help families who are constantly moving, i.e. accommodation or expenses, sorting out schools, particular communities?

If the moving around is actually because the industry itself is lurching from one place to another, I'm guessing support is patchy-to-non-existent, in which case it seems like staying where you can maintain a solid support network of your own would have definite advantages.

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