Should You Stay Together For the Children?

(3 Posts)
JodyP16 Tue 23-Apr-13 23:02:06

Sorry as I'm sure this has been asked many times before but I'm new on here. I really really don't know what to do .. OH and I had a frank 'discussion' at the weekend and both agreed that if it weren't for the children (DD 12 and DD 9) we wouldn't be together. Married for 11 years, together for about 15 ... main issues are money and sex (whats new I hear you all cry) - he has always earned a lot of money and I gave up work when the children were born to be a SAHM. I have worked, I had a couple of small businesses but all without much support - he is the main wage earner and has always run his own business but seems to think that because he works hard to earn the money he's entitled to buy what he wants on himself, but has ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS withheld money from me (I've always felt its a bit of a power thing) I was in debt when we met and am in even more debt now. I admit that I have hidden this debt from him but only cos I am sick of being lectured at. He does like to lecture me a lot.

We have no sex life and haven't for years. When our youngest was a small baby I found gay porn on his computer and have never forgotten so have gradually over the years shut down emotionally from him. I felt that our whole life was built on a lie. We sleep in separate rooms and when I told him what id seen on his computer he said "oh I've always swung both ways, I thought you knew" so blasé!

He's rude to me, says some awful things sometimes (on Saturday he said I don't mean to be rude but look at the size of you - i'm a 16/18) and even criticizes the way I bring up the DD's.

BUT and its a big BUT - having said all that when we get on, we actually get on well. We can be good friends and have a good laugh together and most of the time he is a good dad - its actually felt like living with a friend rather than a husband for many years now and I always thought that would be Ok and I could cope with it as long as my DD's were ok.

It all blew up again at the weekend though and I am now not sure I can carry on. He said if we split up he would be very bitter, I would ruin his life, he would lose all interest in his work cos he only does it to provide for the girls but then said if he couldn't be with the DD's he would move away. So rather than stay close and see as much of them as he could, he said he would rather move away and not see them as this would be better for HIM (not them, him - selfish b*****d!!)

Am I entitled to put my happiness before my DD;s though (!'m 45) - as far as they are concerned they live in a stable, happy home with mum and dad and are a happy family unit - can I really tear their lives apart? It would probably shock them if we split up just because theres no major rowing going on in front of them, no violence, no abuse etc so as far as they are concerned everythings just great ...I just feel so so sad about the whole sorry mess ... and im so sorry for rambling on - its actually made me feel better getting it all off my chest - thanks xx

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Wed 24-Apr-13 01:04:05

I think you know the answer!

thylarctosplummetus Wed 24-Apr-13 01:15:48

That isn't staying together for the kids, that's staying together for him.

I do believe there are circumstances where "staying together for the kids" is a reasonably option to take. This isn't one of them.

For a relationship to work, you need a certain amount of lust, loyalty and laughter. It seems like you have none of these.

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