I have name changed (using a different email address and posting on 'in private browsing' for this) because H did look me up on MN before, and although we are both doing our best to separate amicably I want to be able to think things through without him seeing my working out and possibly using my random thoughts against me. I have been here absolutely yonks though and live in an ordinary house that is not under a bridge. If you recognise me (and you might) please don't link to my threads.
H is reluctantly agreeing to separate, it would not be his choice but we are having counselling and he says that he can see that I am beyond the point of reconciliation. We have two primary-aged DC and we both want to make things as easy as possible for them. I proposed that we leave the DC in our house and that H and I move back and forward when it's our turn to have them. We are fortunate to be comfortably off so we could afford to rent two small flats for a trial period of a year. He did consider this initially and thought that he would be with the DC from Thursday school pick-up until after church on Sunday.
H then came back with the proposal that as I felt that my life had been ruined by him and the DC (I don't feel that at all) that I should move out and 'find myself', he would give up work and look after them full-time and I could 'visit' when I wanted to. I told him that that was a non-starter (and I'm positive he could never give up work anyway, he would go insane within six weeks).
So his most recent proposal is that I should move out. He will stay in our house and do the morning routine with the DC. The au pair will drive them to school (H can't drive). I will pick them up from school and look after them until he gets home from work, at which time I will leave the house. I will have 'my' room in the house for when he is working abroad so I can stay overnight with the DC then. I just think that this is all kinds of wrong, it gives him all the control (because he decides when he wants to get home and take the DC) and but he has very little responsibility because I will still be feeding them, making sure they do their homework, doing the shopping etc. Basically my life will be just the same as now only not sleeping in my home anymore and with most weekends off. I'm pretty sure that it would put me on some dodgy ground legally too as I think where the DC sleep is considered to be where they are residing, so from a court's POV he would have sole charge of the DC.
He is a workaholic, everything is less important to him than his work life. He is also a very smooth operator and so he is selling this to me as being for my benefit when clearly it suits him best as it allows him to work whatever hours he wants knowing that I am there at his convenience. He is such a good salesman that he has convinced himself that he is doing me a favour by offering this, so we won't be discussing it again until we are back with the counsellor as if we keep talking about it he will get cross with me for being ungrateful and stubborn (it has been a bit of a pattern in our marriage).
What I don't want to do, because it would be the most disruptive thing for the DC, is to have to move out with the DC into rented accommodation and just send them back to H for weekends. However if I can't find another proposal that would be acceptable I think that's what will happen. I can't make him move out of the marital home, and he doesn't think he should have to as I'm the one breaking up a perfectly good marriage.
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Divorce/separation
Can I talk through options for the DC when H and I separate please?
5 replies
riverbank · 02/04/2013 14:32
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