Mumsnet Talk

STBEXH had an affair, left me with mortgage, forced me to sell our house, I lost all the money I ever had and he started anew with a girl who already had 3 kids. They've since had a baby.

My trouble is that I can't get him to see our two children on a regular basis, I can't take him to court to force him to see them can I?

I try to be very amicable and nice with him, i cant be doing with getting upset anymore, but they are so desperate to see their daddy and they really want to stay overnight with him but he just keeps saying its not convenient. I've suggested one night a week and one weekend a month but he just laughed at me.

I've also asked if he could read to them two evenings a week but that's not convenient either.

Any ideas?

Am afraid to say he sounds like a total bastard.

Do your dcs have any contact with their paternal grandparents?

They only see his mum and dad when he has them, last time was Boxing Day afternoon, though his mum rings me now and then.
He is an utter shit! Though I won't bad mouth him in front of DC's.

Personally, I never see why the dcs have to lose their paternal grandparents as well, just because their son is a inadequate human being (as long as the PIL are respectful to you of course). It might also be another means of the dc seeing their father, either when he visits his parents, or PIL themselves come to bring some pressure on him. My STBExH is a good father now in part precisely because he had censorious parents breathing down his neck!

Is there any way you can facilitate contact between the dcs and their paternal grandparents, cut out the inadequate middle-man in the short term? My dcs with my supervision phone GPs weekly and I take them up to visit when I can although STBExH has taken over the job more and more.

Many PIL fear they are going to lose out on their gc, so your halo will be well and truly buffed with them if you're the one that makes that relationship possible.

Good idea on DC's ringing their grandparents more frequently, that's a really good idea.
I'm just so het up on being both mum and dad to my little ones that ideas like this don't cross my head!

Hope it works out, it's tough enough coming to terms with their dad is a dead-beat without losing contact with a whole half of their extended family and it can be reassuring for them to know, when they've been let down so badly, that some people are permanent fixtures.

Is he paying child maintenance?

You mentioned STBExH laughing at the idea of spending time with his dcs - perhaps you could document everything by email, so STBExH has to put his refusal to see his children actually down in writing and it leaves a paper-trail if ever the dcs need to know you really tried on their behalf.

You can't force it. I did know one man neither of whose parents wanted him so he was at boarding school and usually with friends in holidays but usually one parent is prepared to have the children. I wonder what his new woman thinks about the way he ignores his children?

His new woman already has 3 of similar age, plus they have a baby now, so you'd think she'd be more understanding.
I'm wondering if there's some kind of app that would download the abusive texts that STBEXH has sent to me in reply to my asking when he will have his children to stay! That would help in mediation maybe and my little ones could read it if they wanted to- in 20 years time!

schmaltzingmatilda yes he pays CSA maintenance, always pays it late though, and only after me asking!!!

You can forward texts as an email which you can store straight to a file, appropriately named of course.

When I get work texts I "forward as" email so I have a permanent record. I would forward them to your email account and even print them out, all of them. There may be some way collectively to email them all at once rather than one by one on the phone but I'm not sure.

He's just said that he doesn't want DC's to go up birthday parties when he has them, what do you think?
I'm not sure DC's social life should be affected by him. Plus I reckon he should re integrate himself with the other Yr2 parents, as they all think he's a tosser, brownie points could be earned!

He's just being lazy about transporting them. We had a period when we hired someone (when we were married ) who helped out after school and she also did specifically the driving to distant parties for the 3 older children at weekends. It was a wonderful release. He could do the same - pay someone to take and collect from the parties. It's a good scheme. Chtating to the other parents can be a bit of a bore anyway. People are lucky to be able to avoid it.

Haha, with three kids not his own, a baby and £1000 a month rent I dont think he can afford to do that, he's not even paid his half for DS's uniform. I drop DC's at his as he doesn't have any petrol and when I challenge him on this I am called a stupid woman.