So my kids hate me because i won't let their dad come to the house anymore

(64 Posts)
Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 17:03:55

We split in Jan after I found out he was having an affair. Kids are 9 & 11 and don't know anything about the affair. We tried to be "amicable" for a while - I used to let him visit with them in the house after he finished work. In addition he has them to his place at the weekends. But over the months he's become more and more nasty and bullying towards me to the point that I told him he simply is not welcome in the house anymore. I've said he can see the kids whenever he likes, just not here. If he wants to see them on a weekday evening I"ve suggested he can take them back to his for dinner and drop them home again later or take them out for tea or meet them at his mums...whatever.

But now the kids are furious at ME. They say I'm unfair, they say their dad says I'm being unfair too. Of course in their eyes he is a saint and I'm the one who is unreasonable. Adn just now when I had my DD(11) screaming about how I only ever think about myself I made the mistake of telling her how awful he is to me. I guess I wanted her to understand where I was coming from but I also know that was the wrong thing to do.

I don't know what to do now. I can't make them understand, they aren't going to forgive me and I won't change my mind. So now they just hate me. sad

ivykaty44 Tue 30-Oct-12 21:55:46

They say I'm unfair, they say their dad says I'm being unfair too.

sounds like there dad has set them up to this.

Stick to your guns they are welcome to see him at his house.

Things not going to well with the OW I guess, otherwise why is he causing trouble?

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 22:02:38

ivykaty - of course he put them up to it - but he is so good at it they will never realise. He is the master of subtle manipulation followed by feigned innocence and righteous outrage. And he is causing trouble because he's fuming that I made one decision he can't bully his way out of (ie not letting him in the house anymore).

ivykaty44 Tue 30-Oct-12 22:17:04

no he is upset as he can't control, he can't come in your house (and snoop and carry on as things used to be) Only things have moved on and guess he doesn't like change.

You didn't explain to your dc that of course mum doesn't go to daddy's house, so its best we keep out lives apart as we are sadly apart now. Cause I am guessing you don't pop round to his place to see the children when he has them?

I would detach a lot, keep him at more than arms lenth

Has he asked to come back yet?

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 22:26:57

no, i don't go into his place, I just drop them outside and go. He used to try and invite me in for coffee but I think he's finally getting the message that I simply don't want to see him unless it's absolutely necessary. Difference is the kids and I still live in the family home, so of course he says to them "i wish I could visit with you in our home"

StarsGhostTail Tue 30-Oct-12 22:39:28

Truth Daddy had an affair and lied to Mummy.
Daddy isn't nice to Mummy.

Daddy loves you.

But he and I aren't friends any more.

No point in soft soaping 11y, they are very very far from stupid.

Daddelion Wed 31-Oct-12 09:58:22

Can he say.

'Daddy had an affair because our sex life was poor'

I think it's dodgy ground.

We just said, mum and dad don't love each other anymore, but we love you.

mummytime Wed 31-Oct-12 10:24:19

I would tell them that Daddy had an affair to be honest, and as Daddy doesn't love Mummy obviously he doesn't live here. I would also offer to drop them off at his whenever they want if thats fine with Daddy.

You could try and talk about it in terms they understand; how would they feel if they had an argument with their best friends but you still invited them for play dates?

That home is somewhere people need to feel safe, but they are lucky as they have two homes now.

11 is a tricky age, and her hormones are probably raging. Mums usually get the worst of it with girls, but it does get better. She is also probably feeling insecure, and pushing you to see if you will leave/kick her out too.

Good luck!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 31-Oct-12 10:31:07

OP do you think that maybe you are getting the brunt of the anger because they know you will absorb it and still love them? Perhaps despite appearances they are not so sure of their father.

It must be bloody horrible for you though sad Hopefully it will pass with time.

izzywizzyisbizzy Wed 31-Oct-12 10:37:06

I think DD needs to know he has had an affair as well - couched in age appropriate terms - we see a therapist weekly, for a far note serious issue and have been told to stick to a version of the truth with them (they are only 2 and 4 so it's very watered down).

You aren't doing your relationship with then any favours by trying to protect his.

And if he engineered an "accidental" meeting there will be full on ones soon enough.

paneer Wed 31-Oct-12 10:41:31

YOu should plan on formalising access, or at least having an informal fixed arrangement (subject to change as the childrens needs change)? If everyone knows that that on certain days they are with him and in his care in his home then it makes things a lot more manageable.

And ideally if you can drop the DC somewhere like football/school or whatever and XH collects them you don't even have to see his nasty face!

paneer Wed 31-Oct-12 10:44:42

Telling them in terminology that is age appropriate, whilst reaffirming that daddy loves you very much and mummy loves you very much and you are really special.

Yogagirl17 Wed 31-Oct-12 13:10:26

Alibaba - love your name!

paneer we have a formal arrangement in place for the weekends and a more informal agreement for during the week. Up until recently he would just 'pop in' after work, spend some time in the house with them and then leave or take them to whatever activities they have one. I made it clear when I told him he wasn't welcome in the house anymore that he was still welcome to see them during the week, he just needs to do it somehwere (anywhere) other than the house.

mummytime hormones are well and truly raging!!! And I've always born the brunt of her mood swings even from when she was really young so not all that surprising that I"m getting it now. I've always tried to reassure her that no matter how mad she gets at me (or me at her) that I will always, always love her and take care of her. But I hadn't considered that she might be feeling insecure/pushing me to see if I would make her leave too. You might be right, I'll need to be more sensitive about that.

And based on what everyone on here has said I may well decide to tell them. Do I tell them both or just the 11yo? It's hard judge DS (9) reactions. He'll sit quietly and take everything in then suddenly just burst out with one comment and then clam up again. He's much 'easier' than DD and seemingly less angry but also younger...?

As they have already met this woman would that be a suitable way to bring it up? Ask them if they remember meeting "OW" and then explain that she was daddy's girlfriend last year when he and I were still together and that's why we aren't together anymore?

Yogagirl17 Wed 31-Oct-12 13:12:24

Oh, and I tried the best friend analogy but they didn't seem to get it. Their response to that was that I don't have to stay in the room with them when he's here and it's their house too. They kind of have a point. And yet....no. Not happening.

mummytime Wed 31-Oct-12 13:34:29

Does your DD have anyone else's he cantalk to? Is there any kind of counsellor at school? Does she see much offer friends?
This can all help.

But parenting teens (and just before) is tricky.

Yogagirl17 Wed 31-Oct-12 13:59:12

"But parenting teens (and just before) is tricky."

Ha ha tell me about it! But yes, she does have people she talks to - in fact two of her best friends have parents who are divorced. Just found out today she told one of these friends that she met a "friend" of daddy's he said she was just his "friend"...but obviously if DD is talking about it there are already questions in her own mind, right?

mummytime Wed 31-Oct-12 14:06:46

Yes sounds as if she is thinking about it. If you are honest then that is a good starting place.

Also make sure you have people and places to let off steam.

Yogagirl17 Wed 31-Oct-12 15:40:32

So now I'm just wondring whether to do it before the weekend or after? They are supposed to be with him the whole weekend...? Might just wait til next week.

Mutt Wed 31-Oct-12 15:54:28

Are you sure that the "friend" he engineered a meeting with is the same woman he was having an affair with in January?

Yogagirl17 Wed 31-Oct-12 16:10:43

Yes, absolutely. He heard one of the kids say to me on the phone they had met a friend of his at lunch so he then emailed me to say 'by the way, just happened to bump into OW at restaurant today and she joined us for lunch.'

Mutt Wed 31-Oct-12 16:16:47

Right smile

It sounds like you've decided to tell them YG. Personally I worry that it could backfire and/or may not necessarily be the kindest thing to do for them, but you know your children better than anyone.

Hope all goes well.

ivykaty44 Wed 31-Oct-12 16:22:15

I would sit then down together

Tell them you have not tools them befor as you didn't want to cliff their thoughts but there dads friend was the reason you and hon. fell out, but you are over that note and it is time to move on

You want your life a privecy do no more dad here

ivykaty44 Wed 31-Oct-12 16:23:00

Pooh and this would be before weekend

daytoday Thu 01-Nov-12 19:51:06

I'm going to post something that may be controversial.

My dad had affairs and my parents eventually split up when I was a teen, but brothers younger.

My mum didn't go into the gory details but did tell us my dad had met someone else and I'm bloody glad she told us.

She never bad mouthed my dad but in our childish minds we totally understood why they couldn't be together.

Im in my forties now and I adore my mum and time has revealed my dad as a sad man. I have never allowed myself to accept bad treatment from a man, even as a teen. Knowing the facts of my parents separation has allowed me to stay close to my mum but to also have worthwhile conversations with her about good relationships, love not always being forever. I guess what I'm saying is truth is really important.

Yogagirl17 Thu 01-Nov-12 21:41:48

Thanks day, it's so interesting to hear how people feel about their own childhood experiences.

I've been given a lot to think about. I think on balance it seems the long term benefits of telling her outweigh keeping it secret. I'm going to wait until after the weekend though as she's been pushing my buttons the last few days and I don't want to do it when I'm feeling wound up and stressed out.

AnyFucker Thu 01-Nov-12 22:59:31

Good luck x

I agree that the benefits of telling her (child friendly version) outweigh any potential downsides

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