Should children be asked how they would like to live following a separation?

[piggeldy]

My husband recently moved out of the family home into what is presently 'temporary' accommodation though it is now clear that this situation will be permanent. Our three children, aged 6, 9, and 13, currently have weekly sleepovers with him as we think about arrangements for the longer term, at which point he will have a property that is more conducive to having the children with him more easily and more often.

Whether the eventual situation will involve relatively equal amounts of time living with each parent or whether it will involve the children having a 'main home' with a smaller number of nights sleeping at the other home is still unclear. If this latter arrangement, I suspect it would go along with significant involvement of their father during the week - school pickup, cooking dinner, transportation to activities, that sort of thing.

My instinct is that not having a 'main home' could end up being very complicated for children at whatever age, and probably even moreso for ones that are of a relatively independent age. If I think about what I would like even for myself as an adult - I wouldn't want to live across two locations and would prefer to feel that my belongings were primarily in one place and that I brought what I needed with me when I went to visit the other.

I have read advice that goes both ways - I have read (from trustworthy sources and policy documents!) that (1) it is important to consult children, especially older ones, about their views and (2) that one shouldn't consult children as it is not fair for them to have to make these decisions and to feel that they are taking sides.

What is the best thing to do?

[beccabubbless]

my mum and dad had a very messy split up a couple of years ago and it was automatically assumed by both sides that me and my brother (3 years younger) would stay with my mum.
this caused massive problems, as my brother would have rather lived with my dad, but we were very close and this would have meant i wouldnt have seen him!
i, personally, was upset to have not been consulted about what i wanted, but i do understand why.
difficult situation for you + children to be in!

in my personal opinion, disregard if you wish
your eldest of 13 probably has a very good understanding of whats going on and whats going to happen, and talking to him/her could help them to understand. make it clear that your not going to judge them over what decision they make, as sometimes it can be hard.. but you dont want them to resent you in the future like my brother does my mother
with the two younger i would say it would make sense for them to have one perminent home, and keep up the sleepover arrangement as it can be much less disruptive.
although, the 13 year old may be upset at not being able to wear their fav hoodie because its at mums / dads, which i remember being a frequent problem etc
hard hard decision, but if i can be of any use then just ask, ive been through it from the childrens point of view and i came out okay ;)
good luck!

[CrazyCatLady13]

Some mediation services offer child consulation - where an experienced mediator speaks to the children to see what they want, and feeds it back to the parents.

The issue tends to be that the children will tell both parents that they want to live with them!

Personally I wouldn't ask the children directly as I think it's too much pressure for them, but would go for the mediation option. They have much more experience in dealing with this sort of situation!

I'm afraid that's all I have to offer, hopefully someone will come along with more advice.

[piggeldy]

Thank you for these. My middle child already has massive meltdowns most mornings when she cannot place the things that she needs. I cannot imagine trying to manage this across two locations mid-week. But DH tells me there are more important considerations than the practical ones. Perhaps there are. I just don't know.

As for the issue of soliciting children's views, I can see that there are good arguments for and against this, and of course, this will depend upon the age of the child.

A friend who is a family lawyer said that the older two, and especially the 13 year old, will be thinking 'with their feet'. I am not sure what she meant, precisely, but I suppose she was alluding to the fact that older children will naturally have more input into these decisions and will have firmer ideas about how it is they would like to live.

For those interested in other people's views (mainly American perspectives, I assume), there is a very recent article in the New York Times at the link below that comes with lots of interesting, thoughtful, and provocative thoughts from readers:

parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/21/how-can-children-have-more-say-over-their-custody/?src=recg

[Collaborate]

The 13 year old will tell you where they want to live, is what they meant. I think 9 is too young.

Good God it's hard. Some children look back and say that they didn't want to have to decide between their parents - they just wanted to be told what was happening. Some who have divided time equally between the parents look back on it and realise the arrangements were for the parent's benefit, not their's.

You know your own kids the best. What do you both think will best suit them?