Mumsnet Talk

Hi all you men/dads out there. Im 41 and have been a right fool with my gorgeous wife. In 2009 I landed my dream job of a drama teaching f/t role and in 2010 my wife announced she was pregnant 4 years after us trying. in the nov she announced, i was over the moon and my main feeling was that with my very decent wage i would be a main supporter and could provide amply for my wife and soon to be son. then in the dec my wife fell extremely ill with hyperemesis and i nearly lost her and my son to dehydration. then in march 2011 i was suspended in work and in the may i lost my job due to students claiming i had (falsely) acted in an act of gross misconduct. My argument was all the way through that why would i even contemplate this with my ill wife and my baby on the way but i lost the argument and lost my job just as my wife was giving birth. i found a job as a casual postman but went from £27K per year to £6.08 per hour and went into a depressive state so much that on asking my wife (stupidly) to act out a sexual fetish of mine just after the birth and she, quite rightly saying no) I text a close female friend and we acted out a roleplay text which my wife found out about and wanted me out of her life. I have done this twice before and (after i have recently consulted a counsellor) each time after a major unsettling event. my wife doesnt trust me and i cant blame her though she is trying hard to believe i can change now i am seeing a counsellor but it will take a lot of time. I am seeing my son regularly and staying at our old house with my wife and son regularly. I help feed, clothe, bath him and provide as best i can (though my wife is amazing at this) and I have recently just got as new job back as teacher so my new wage goes back to £24500K per year

What i want is some males to get in touch to say that although i am a complete dickhead to do what i have done when my wife has been in such a vulnerable position, that someone out there does believe i can change and be the man my wife wants and can be a good father

Please help - be honest I dont want sympathy (far from it) but just want honesty (from male and/or females)

My husband last yr lost 3 jobs and had I'll health I was pregnant with our second which we had planned but he more or less ignored me when pregnant he never touched my tummy to feel baby and he left me to continue with all the housework even tho he was here. I have spoken to him about how he made me feel and it will take me a lot of time to get my full feelings back again. I think the same would b for ur wife it will take her time to trust u again. I think If I had seen texts on his phone I would have done the same as ur wife. I think when things like losing a job happen in a mans life they concentrate on that and forget about the other ppl in their life

So on three occasions you've been having text sex with a close female friend. You pressurised your wife to fulfil a fetish right after the birth, and there's been something fishy about your relationship with your students.

I would say you've had your chances with this woman, and blown them. It's a shame it's taken all this before you realised you didn't want to lose her, and it makes me suspicious about how sincere your feelings really are. It seems to be all about you.

All you can do now is concentrate on building an amicable relationship with the mother of your child, and be a good father to your son.

What was the fetish?

well you've said that your wife doesn't trust you, and nor do i tbh

how do you know 'what man' your wife wants?

you have also said that you help with your son, first you shouldn't be helping. you are a father, its your job as a father to do that! is this helping trying to 'win' your wife back or to spend time with your son?

you can say you've changed as much as you want, but it doesn't change the hurt you have caused.

if i were your wife i would stay well away

Everything changes the whole time. Nothing stays the same ever. Look around you. You can define life as change. Of course you can change completely and utterly, there are many examples of people turning things around magnificently. Add yourself to that list by committing to it.

You come across and totally mixed up and totally self obsessed.
3 sex text episodes and also sacked. Was your gross misconduct, of a sexual nature aswell?
Do you think that your wife will ever trust you again? I fear not.

And you appear to be very flipant and lacking in responsibility over this.
Who is to blame? Errr. YOU.
Have you ever read some of the terrible things people go through, on MN, but they don't behave as you have. Take some of the shit I've had over the last 3 years, but then just screw anything with a pulse and then blame it on a "major unsettling event". Purrlease. Thats pathetic. Are you seriously expecting that to wash with anyone, least of all your wife?
If I were her, its that particular attitude that would grate the most.

2/10

You can change because we all can and if you want to you can and will do it. Please really go for it and be the better person you want to be.

I know a couple who have just celebrated over 40 years of marriage and I know he had an affair and she forgave him. He completely turned over a new leaf and became a great DH, dad and grandfather.

You need to prove to your wife that you can do it, be consistent, drop contact with the text friend and be very careful at work.

x

PS it is very important that you fully take on board how wrong what you did was and allow your wife to talk about it as much as she needs to. And no excuses!

Do you trust yourself op? Losing job while horrible is not the worst thing that can happen to a family. What ifmore shit hits the fan. Your wife will then have two problems. The shit happening and also you getting selfish, no support and becoming a sex pest of some description.
I think sorting that out for yourself is step one. Once you truly know you are a better man, while of course continuing to be a hands on good dad, you can start working on your relationship with your wife as life partners not just parenting partners. Of course it may be too late by then, it may indeed be too late now. But genuinely being a good man, rather than hoping desperately that you will be is necessary no matter what

I'm sure anyone can change if they really want to. But you have to do it for you and your son as I fear you have lost your wife. Completely understandable on her part and you should let her, with your FULL support as a father, rebuild her life and create new happiness. Completely unreasonable of you to expect her to understand or forgive any of this.

Go ahead with the counselling. It will take as long as it takes. You need to understand why you did xyz, but more importantly, why you think on some level, that it's "ok" and convenient to lay the blame on "major upheavals" etc.

I wish you luck as everyone deserves the chance to change but accept that your wife feels as she does and concentrate on providing emotionally and financially for your child.

Does your wife want to try again or not op?

No, you won't change. In small ways, maybe, but in your controlling and obsessive intrinsic fucked-up-ness? No.

She is no longer your wife.

You have been a bastard of the highest order.

Congrats on being a wonderful Father and all, but stop with the "staying at our old house with my wife and son regularly" - you are no longer a family unit and to send these mixed messages to your son, and to play your wife like the puppet you think she is, is continuing the abuse.

Move on in life and accept that your soon-to-be-ex-wife has the right to (and actually HAS) done the same.

I very much doubt you were struck off for gross misconduct mistakenly, btw.

And before you 'strike back' at my post, look long and hard at yourself in the mirror. Any indignation or anger you may feel is nothing to do with me. The truth hurts - but it is better to be hurt and accept it than live in denial and self-obsessed delusion - and try to enforce that on others.