Low sex drive.

[Writerwannabe83]

Morning everyone,

I'm having a problem which is a little bit embarrassing but I just need to rant and get it off my chest.

My husband has a very low sex drive - he always has done ever since we met. When we do DTD it is brilliant, no complaints there, but 95% of the time it has to be initiated by me.

However, I would guess that 70% of the time he rebuffs my advances with an, "I'm tired," or, "I have a headache." It is quite embarrassing actually. I do take it personally and he knows that - he is always making the extra effort to show he is attracted to me, but when it comes to sex, he just seems disinterested.

I have tried to speak to him about it so many times but he just gets angry and it turns into an argument.

Anyway, now we have decided to TTC it is turning into a bigger issue. I have tried to get him to understand what a small window of opportunity there is to be able to fertilise the egg but I fear it is falling on deaf ears. Trying to convince him to DTD is not fun and the whole process is turning into a mini nightmare for me.

My husband's dad has got low testosterone levels and has to have treatment for it and I often wonder if maybe my hubby is suffering with it too as it can be genetic. There is no point me mentioning it though because it will just turn into another argument.

I'm all very new to this and based on rough calculations I'm thinking that this week is going to be my fertile week but short of forcing my husband to have sex I don't know what to do.

I don't think we will ever get a baby at this rate :(

Hugs to you. Sorry to hear this-it's difficult & I'm afraid I have no practical experience/advice.

He's obv eager to please you but finds it hard to talk about. Could you go to couples counselling to help him feel more at ease addressing it? Also if you could prove the small window for conceiving that might help-the clear blue easy fertility monitor is good & you could put fertile days on a calendar that you can both see?

Ttc is stressful anyway so hope you can make some progress

Oh god, that's hard. I'm sorry you're going through this. My DP was like that for just a week and that was hard enough - to my mind, it was that I wasn't good or exciting enough for him or that he was deliberately trying not to have a baby :-/ And, like I say, that was just a week - so I can totally understand why it affects you so much if this is a long-term thing.

Could I ask.... I don't mean to be rude, but just to get it clear: Do you have have a higher sex drive than him? Ie is it ALWAYS a problem that you're not having much sex, or would it not normally bother you too much if you weren't ttc?

Just if you're not sexually compatible, then I really think it's kinda an emergency situation - a lot of relationships like that don't last. I think you need to persuade DP to sit down and talk about it with you. Try not to make it sound like you're criticising him, but make him appreciate the effect that all this is having on you. Hard, I know, but he's got to fully understand how it makes you feel to even want to change....

Hi writer. Just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone although my situation is slightly different. Both my DH and I have a low sex drive (probably once a month before ttc if I'm being honest). And I don't think it's anything to worry about. We accept this, and are very affectionate otherwise - always hugging and kissing (at home!).

It must be difficult when one of you has a higher sex drive, and if you feel as though you're being pushed away if you make an effort. My only advise would be to talk as much as you can. If you're both agreed that ttc is what you really want then unfortunately your DH has to be prepared to change his ways a bit. Maybe compromise - use opk's so you know when you're ovulating, and DH needs to agree to dtd during that time, which will only be a few days.

We've decided to try dtd every other day which is obviously a big change for us. We did this last month and actually found it wasn't a chore, and I feel that we may generally end up dtd more even after a bfp, as we'll be used to dtd more IYSWIM. Your DH may find this too you never know? I think a lot of it for us is laziness - by the time we go to bed we cant be bothered and just want to go to sleep! It's not that we don't love each other as much as other couples who dtd every day or 2, and I'm sure your DH would say its nothing to do with how much he loves you either.

My DH was married previously and had a bit of a hard time with his ex. She had some issues and they had a difficult relationship. Over the 4 or 5 years they were married he said he could count on one hand the number of times they dtd and a lot of the time he tried to initiate but she pushed him away, which I think has hurt him and now it stops him initiating with me. Maybe your DH is scared of rejection too??

Anyway sorry for the long post. I just want to reassure you that a low sex drive doesn't necessarily mean a bad relationship, as I've heard this from people in the past. Sex isn't everything to some couples, and I'm sure you and your DH can sort something out that will work for you as a couple. Good luck!

I think changing your routine can be good when TTC. We decided to stop trying to have sex when we went to bed as at least of us would be knackered. When you get in from work can be good, the first one back showers and waits for the other one! But we'd have to make sure we'd eaten something first as hunger is way too distracting! But don't try after dinner as you'll be too full etc!
Having just your undies on when your husband gets home might work!

This might be a silly question but do you think he understands how your cycle actually works? It's just before TTC #1 I didn't. Our sex ed is so geared towards telling people you can get pregnant at any point in the cycle that lots of people think that's true when they start TTC. Maybe get a book like Taking Charge of Your Fertility and then you can read it and do the whole OMG did you know it says here... or get him to read it. It could be he would feel happier about it if he knew he only had to DTD in shag week. He might think you are going to jump his bones every night and for someone with a low sex drive that could be very intimidating!

Sorry I've killed your thread!

You are not alone OP. I did the whole educating my DP about the fact you need to do it at certain times and he could just tell when that was (because I was initiating it lots) and he got stage fright... I would say relax and see how it goes. Sometimes with sex the more you have the more you want so you never know - he might perk up!

I second the advice about morning and afternoon sex. How anyone bothers at night I don't know!

Thanks everyone,

Our sex life has always been bad I guess - at one point we actually went over 8 months without it. It sounds crazy, I know.

I just wish he could talk to me about it. I imagine though it might be quite embarrassing to a man's ego to admit his sex drive isn't as high as his partners.

We did get into quite a rut as I didn't bother trying to initiate it as I thought, "What's the point?!" - and so it followed for 8 months.

We have DTD about 4 times over the past 2 weeks so it feels like overload for me

I'm going to pounce on him tonight and he is doesn't seem eager then I'm just going to have it out with him. There is no point hiding away from it......but it's a shame he doesn't see that!

I don't recommend 'having it out' with him in bed, just after you've tried to initiate sex. I know it's annoying but do it out of the bedroom, and if you can talk calmly on a walk or something. Pressuring him is not going to help

Well that night I didn't actually initiate sex anyway as I remembered that I was due to have my smear in 2 days and I didn't want any sperm residue up there...lol....how gross would that be. Also, I didn't know if sperm could affect the results?!

But anyway, I had my smear yesterday morning and so last night I just stripped off and jumped into bed and after about 20 minutes of general chit-chat he asked me if we could have some "Rumpy Pumpy" haha.

Even now I can't believe he said those words!!

However, him suggesting it was progress of a sort

Hi writer, I'm in a similar boat. Normally we have a similar sex drive but hubby has put on weight and just doesn't want to dtd anymore. It's been a few months now.

We had put ttc on hold because of some stuff going on with my job but always said we'd try in June. Well we're in July and I can't remember the last time we dtd!

I think I've given up on the chance to get pregnant this year - we've been through this before and things didn't change until he lost weight and that's not happening anytime soon.

It's definitely a shitty situation to be in. I really hope it gets better for you. X

I'm sorry to hear that Elektra - it really is horrible isn't it.

I guess men have hang ups about their body in pretty much the same way we do.

My Hubby has recently lost lots of weight so maybe that's why he has perked up a little. He is out with his friends tonight but has told me he will come home early so we can DTD. I even had a surprise DTD experience the other day when he woke me up very early in the morning with a naughty glint in his eye.

However, I know his moods can peak and trough so although it is good at the moment I know things may change at the click of my fingers.
I can't count the number of times I have ended up in tears in the past because of my advances being rebuffed

What does your husband say when you question him about it?

Ahh the tears sound familiar! We went through a similar
thing a couple of years ago and I used to instigate sex and was rebuffed each time so I just stopped trying. I've tried this time round too but to no avail. I keep having to remind myself it's about him.

He has said that his lack of libido is linked to his weight and his doctor said the same to him. Apparently when men put on a lot of weight they produce oestrogen and that affects their libido. Sometimes I can't help but feel like he is 'hiding' behind that but then I wonder if that's my own insecurity! What is also frustrating is that he doesn't seem to be trying to lose weight either.

I can't talk to him about it at the moment because he is stressed with work and is travelling a lot too. So I don't say anything and have just decided I will focus on getting healthy myself. I kind of hope that it rubs off on him and that if I lose weight he might be interested in me again. sigh

Elektra: if I lose weight he might be interested in me again. sigh

Please don't go down that road

There was a time I felt exactly the same, convinced myself that I was the problem and that he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. I'm 5ft 6 and only weigh about 56kg (just over 9st) so my insecurities were totally irrational - that didn't stop them though.

I stopped eating snacks, I ate smaller portions, I kept declining food when it was offered and all of this was noticed by my partner. He did ask me if I was doing it on purpose to try and lose weight but I just denied it. He then went through a phase of complimenting me all the time and telling me how attractive he thought I was etc. I think he knew what was going through my mind.

Please, please, please don't put the blame on your shoulders x x

Oh I know that is my own insecurity. I also know I need to lose weight, I won't deny that there is a small voice saying that he'd want me if I was thinner but I know that's due to my low self esteem (a long story!). We've both had weight problems over the last few years, so I want to lose the weight for me, I am generally happier when I'm active and not this heavy. I think the situation with the lack of sex just exacerbates what I think of myself.
He's very good at telling me it's HIS issue and not because of me, it's just that little voice!

I think the baby thing definitely has to wait (again!)

I have to admit, it's been so nice to be able to say this. I don't want to tell my friends about this, so thank you for listening (reading?!) X

No problem - it isn't the easiest topic to talk about.

I just feel bad that you are going to have to wait for your baby - it seems so unfair

I'm quite fortunate that prior to us getting married the idea of conceiving was bought up twice in conversation and both times it was by him. So at least I know it is something he wants as much as I do.

It does feel strange having sex so often though and I bet it does for him too. It is kind of like when we first met, getting to know each other all over again

x

It's not and one of my friends who I would talk to about this stuff is pregnant and I don't want to bring her down (or make her realise I am a teeny, tiny bit jealous of her!)

I know, but I've had to wait most of this year already, so a few more months is not going to hurt...at least not anymore! It's just frustrating now as in between my job stuff and husband not wanting to dtd this baby thing is going to be put on hold indefinitely (or so it feels!).

We had a plan (heh!) we were going to start ttc at the start of this year, I came off the pill in December after our wedding and all was going well - we were trying. Then my job stuff threw a spanner in the works and we decided to hold off. In the meantime both of us were putting on weight and even having sex didn't happen.

He wants a baby just as much as I do - when I ask him what he wants for his big birthday this year, he keeps saying a baby. It just seems that he doesn't want to do the thing we need to do to make a baby or has forgotten his biology/sex ed lessons!

Ahhh I can imagine it being strange but nice too! It's good to hear that your husband is making an effort and it must be nice as well! Good luck on the ttc journey :) x

Despite the sex not happening my hubby also kept telling me he wanted a baby and I said, "You do know how babies are made don't you?!!!"

I told him that I'm not the Virgin Mary - I'm not capable of the Miraculous Conception!!

Hehehe! Brilliant response! :D

I think I made a similar comment and just got a "meh" back...oh and then talk of contracting that part out (I'm pretty sure that was a joke on his part!)