38 and TTC #1 - panicking I've left it too late :(

[LateStarterAndPanicking]

Anyone up for a bit of hand-holding and/or motivational success stories for a late starter to the TTC game?

DH and I started actively SWI last September, so we're 5 months in to TTC. He's 41, I turned 38 in October.

We've been together for 8 years, but only started to deliberately TTC last year as we've had some major stresses to deal with in that time: severe financial hardship, DH's business going to the wall, crises in my working life which led to my breaking down (twice!).

I know people say there's never a "good" time to try for a baby, but we really have been in a dark place until relatively recently, when happily all the above problems started to ease (and we've been relaxed and happy enough to actually want to DTD instead of lying awake at night worrying about money / losing our house etc).

Plus my sister lost her first baby at 26 weeks during this time - we are a very close family, and this threw us all into a period of massive grief. My mother says she feels like she can't remember much of this bleak time - nor the months since as DSis has happily gone on to have 2 babies in quick succession following her loss, so all hands have been on deck helping her cope with 2 under 2.

Anyway, AF arrived this morning (despite epic every-other-day efforts on the shagging front this month), and I just feel really blue about the whole TTC thing and am panicking that, at 38, I've left it too late

I am rattling with supplements and temping like a fiend (pretty weird to go from temping to avoid conception to TTC temping), swilling vile cough mixture and necking EPO in a bid to improve my scanty CM, and am generally feeling like a desperate person who knows she's missed the boat.

I didn't think we had much chance this month as OPKs were all negative from CD10 to CD25 (when I gave up) and I had no watery or EW CM whatsoever (usually get a little bit), so don't think I ovulated. All that SWI gone to waste! So when AF turned up this morning I wasn't surprised, but I still can't help feeling gutted.

Bit of back-story: we conceived by accident within the first couple of months of our relationship (8 years ago), and took the decision not to continue with the pregnancy as it was just too early on and we were both completely freaked out. I don't regret this, despite the fact that happily we have stayed together and are now married.

But I think part of my frustration stems from this: we did it once, why can't we do it again? And the answer is of course - because I am 38 now, not 30.

I just feel like kicking myself for not being able to blank out all the bad stuff that was happening in the intervening years and just get on with TTC

My cycles are fairly regular (26-32 days), but my LP is only 11-12 days. Am taking B6 to try to lengthen LP.

TBH I feel like giving myself a month off TTC as it's making me feel so stressed and sad, but then at the same time I know every month counts when you're my age.

Plus I know already that work is going to be hideously stressful between now and May, so I know in my guts that if I cave in and "have a break" in Feb, we won't be able to get going again properly on the TTC front until the summer - when I'll be nearly 39!

And I also know I've got to pack in smoking and cut down on booze, but that just feels like an overwhelming project on top of TTC too (despite the fact that obviously I would cease both vices if I was lucky enough to get upduffed - so that's illogical too).

Anyway, sorry this is so long - feels a bit better just to get it off my chest. Like I said at the top, and hand-holding and/or success stories would be very gratefully received.

[RantyMcRantpants]

I had my first at 37 after to many mc to mention and trying for over 5 years and a little help.

Number 2 arrived when I was 40 after nearly 3 yeArs of trying. We started TTC almost immediately no. 1 was born. We had help again

Number 3 arrived when I was 43 completely by surprise as we had been told that I wouldn't be able to concieve and we weren't trying. So we had a bonus :)

So not quite what you wanted to hear but it is possible.

[lateatwork]

5 months isnt actually that long in the scheme of things. i know it sounds ages now...but really its not...

to head off any concerns, i would go to you gp and try and get hormone work up. they normally only do this if you have been trying at least a year. if you think you are going to have problems, then the cut off age for ivf on nhs is 39...but varies i think(?) from place to place.

i had my first at 38.

[jcp123]

You're right, if you wait for the perfect time in your life to TTC you'll never do it. Good thing you've started, though you'll find it does become a little obsessive.

Many people have, like us, have had success with ClearBlue Fertility Monitor (£56.99 from amazon or £99.99 in Boots, plus test strips). I guess quite an expense but for us it worked first month. I'm 35 and have very irregular cycle.

I would also recommend taking your temperature (to 2 decimal places) each morning (thermometer and charting book pack available from Boots and other places). Then, in the even that you don't fall pregnant, you will have some concrete evidence to discuss with the doctor so you can try and figure out what's going on and you won't have wasted any time.

Other than that, keep yourself in good shape, eat well, get plenty of fresh air and take folic acid. Good luck!!

[BabyMaking2011]

and quit the fags. i know its not easy, hav4 done it myself, but its so crap for conceiving and miscarriage, dont take the chance. youve said you will quit anyway when get a bfp so why expose the initial growth of your baby to it.
try allen carrs book, it is amazing!

[downonthefarm]

I'm a similar age to you, so completely understand what you're going through TTC #1.
Make an appointment to see your GP now. They will take you seriously (and if not, ask to see another one). The guidelines are that if you're over 35 and have been trying for 6 months you should seek help, but many GPs will start investigations for you before that.
I do hope things work out for you, but remember to be gentle with yourself and your husband - it's a very stressful thing to face together.
Good luck!

[Newgolddream]

Well when I was 30 I took 18 months to conceive DS2 and when I was 37 I fell pregnant within 6 months of ttc, so of course it can happen. Statistics are just tha - and whilst it may be more difficult to conceive over 35, its not impossible.

I agree with jcps advice - start temping and charting properly, monitoring all your fertility signs, the website Fertility Friend is good for this, and the basic service is free. I got my BBT thermometer from Access Diagnostics.

Whilst I understand its awful when you so desperately want something - I feel the same, currently ttc at 40 - its hard not to become obsessive over failure every month, ttc is a stressul business. And I know there are people out there who say they managed it when they truly "gave up" or something like that, but once you start ttc I find it difficult not to think about it.

Charting helps me identify my fertile period in my busy life so there are no missed opportunities, although its no guarantee of course you will get pregnant.

Good luck

[louisesh]

You re not old if you are i m buggered!!!! I m 40 [just] and started ttc 3 years ago .I ve since had 3 MCs and my dd was stillborn in October 10 at 41 weeks.Very,very sad but i ve had very little trouble concieving.The first time i concieved was 8 months after stopping the ocp after 20 years!!!!

My story isn t to scare you but to let you know plenty of mature women are ttc and managing.I so very nearly did with my dd..Oh, i ve had another CP 2 months after Georgie so again showing both me and dh [39] are still fertile.

As my consultant says hindsight is a wonderful gift to have and there's nothing any of us can do about the past now.

Good luck X

[Newgolddream]

louiseh, I am so sorry to hear about your DD.

[SameOldJollster]

I got pg by accident at 39, DS arrived when I was 40. Started TTC#2 when DS turned 1, I was 41. Have had 3MMCs since, will be 43 at the end of this month. Still TTC#2.

You can find lots of anecdotes and stats to say it's easy or hard to have a baby at any age.

Irrelevant really (thought heck we've all done it, I'm holding Cherie Blair (of all people!) up as my role model, she had last baby at 45 ) - all you can do is focus on you.

Yes, definitely stop smoking (just cos it's horrid!). Cut down on the booze (pot talking to the kettle here). From what you've said I would take a month or two off actually. Call it a pre-TTC detox. Be good to yourself, get in a better mental and physical space. And start afresh.

Good luck.

[louisesh]

Hi Jolls

[louisesh]

Thanks Newgoldendream X Good luck to you too XXXX

[louisesh]

Ops....Wrong name sorry!!!

[chocciechip]

You sound a little like me. I managed to get two BFPs when I was 38, but one was a MMC and the other a MC, and then a year of nothing at 39. I'm almost 40 and am now 7 weeks, but not assuming anything until scans say all is definately well.

But in those two years of TTC (and especially in the aftermath of MCs) I ripped myself to pieces. I tried every possible online 'solution' going from cough mixture to grapefruit juice. After all of it, all I would personally do again is use my CBFM (I've now had 3 BFPs out of it) and charting so I can confirm ovulation. And being in optimal health (I went to see a fertility nutritionist and embarked on a tailored supplement regime which I stick to).

In your shoes, I would definately cut back on booze and fags. I totally get that its a bugger to do when TTC, but trust me, if you are unfortunate enough to still be TTC for over a year, as I was, you'll be beating yourself up you didn't start much earlier. Nutritionist told me it takes about 3 months for diet changes and supplements to take effect - I nearly wept because 3 months, at 39 felt like a reallllly long time. So don't delay.

Also, like you, I had SERIOUS stress in my life while TTC and I think this impacted my fertility health. In both my failed pgs, I had horrendous symptoms - but not normal: physical shaking, weakness to the point I sometimes had to sit on the floor or fall down, breathlessness, palpitations. I was told I was severely "depleted" (not my favourite term), hence intensive diet and supplement regimes. And this pg is very very different - none of those crippling symptoms. I have no medical evidence to back this up, but I now think I needed a year of proper diet, proper nutrition, reduced work stress to heal my body after the toll of exhaustion and stress on it, and that I needed to prepare my body for TTC and to maybe (fingers still crossed) hold a pregnancy - especially at my age.

So my advice to you would be, as others have said, get tests done as soon as you can (waiting lists for fertility clinics will drive you nuts if you need to get there so might as well get the ball rolling now). And do all you can to get yourself physically tip-top. The physical health is harder than the quick solutions we grab at (like a box of grapefruit juce, or tubes of pre-seed.. etc etc), but I think far more important than any of that kind of thing.

BFPs do happen at our age, but we perhaps have less time to delay about making the big important decisions - like giving up fags and booze and cracking on getting our GPs to sort out tests etc.

[Mersea]

Hi
I am also ttc my first at nearly 39. I had one mmc back in '07 and suffered from really bad depression after. It took me a couple of years and me leaving my job in order to get over it. I was on anti depressants for a long while and was not able to ttc until I came off them (not that I would have felt mentally ready anyway). Now I'm thinking I must be mad trying so late and very nervous in case i have another mc and get very ill again. I have been to the docs and had a blood test to check my immunisations as can't remember what i have had (nor can my mum) and I have to get my antibodies checked as I have neg blood group. I just know this is something I want to do and it's now or never. I have lost weight and gave up smoking when I found out I was pg before (never started again, although very tempted after mc). I am now taking folic acid and crossing my fingers. Good luck everyone (smile)

[magnolia1970]

I started ttc when I was 35 and went on to have 2 ectopics and one mc. I conceived naturally in '08 and had my daughter at 38 and again in '09 and had my son 5wks ago at 40.

I stopped smoking when I fell pregnant with DD and feel so much better for it. Pretty much stopped drinking too since the babies came along and for an ex binge drinker I dont miss it much either. hangovers brrrrrrr.

Keep going with the temping. Are you doing opks as well? I found a combination of the 2 worked for me. Took me about 6mnths to conceive 1st (not counting ectopics and mc) it was 6mnths post lap and dye. Then 2 months for DS. Not bad for only one functioning tube.

Best of luck.

[magnolia1970]

ah oops I conceived ds in 2010 not 2009. Brains mush from sleep deprivation.

[luckbealady]

Hi LateStarter

I'm turning 39 next week and have been TTC for a year so I am totally with you. I'm staring down the IVF barrel because of irregular cycles, but that is what it is, and I'm just happy there's something we can try. All this SWI is exhausting! Good luck, keep trying, take the supplements and stay positive!

xx

[Cags888]

At 45, I had my second babe last summer (albeit prematurely), but the point is he was conceived naturally, following a couple of mc's. I had my first born when I was 42... so, hang in there, it really is possible and worth it!!