Do you have young children and care for your mum/dad?

(4 Posts)
mumtalktalk Fri 04-Feb-11 03:31:15

My elderly mum became partially paralysed last year when my youngest was 16 months and the eldest was 5. She then moved in with us. Are there others out there caring for a young family and looking after an elderly parent? Do you work as well? What have been your experiences? Or am I the only one. I think the government do not realise that a lot of parents are having their children in their 30s/40s so in the next 20/30 years there will be a lot of young families with elderly parents to care for.

When I was a little girl, I always said to my mum that "when I'm big I'll look after you". I would hate my mum to go into a home. My mum's a lovely lady and I'm not just saying that because she's my mum. The children love her living with us and my husband has said that my mum's easier to live with than me...cheeky but true! My mum's not at all interferring or mean. Thankfully my husband's understanding and caring (he helps out with care or the children or both!) My children love cuddling up to mum giving her lots of kisses. On the other hand caring for both of them it's very stressful. The first couple of months I was surviving on 2 to 4 hours sleep a night (all interrupted!). My mum would wake me up every hour needing assistance to go to the toilet and/or to be adjusted in bed and my youngest would wake up every 2 hours or less. I soon realised no one cares for the carer.

My work place have been very good, especially when my mum was first sick. I love going to work...it's a rest! Not really but it's definintely less stressful.

Getting my mum to hospital appointments and the doctors has been a nightmare. Have you tried pushing a buggy and a wheelchair...it's impossible and my youngest refuses to sit on my mum's lap when she's in the wheelchair!! I always need someone to come with me. The other day I had to call the doctor out as I had no assistance. The Dr was a little annoyed ....I'm not lazy and I'm very independent I only ask for help when I geniunely need it.

I've also become the internet shopping queen! I can't leave the house for long hours without another carer being at home to check on mum ....so the internet is now my best friend!

fifi25 Fri 04-Feb-11 12:19:23

I look after my 87 year old grandmother, have 3 kids and dont drive. Its a bit of a nightmare. She doesnt live with me but i go up twice a week to clean the house etc.

She keeps asking me to take her out but i cant as i have to push the buggy so cant push the wheelchair. She had a fall yesterday and we rushed up and my mam took her to casualty. SS are on their way to assess her.

She refuses to go into sheltered accomodation, closer to us. She lives 2 towns from me and 4 from my mam. Tbh shes an accident waiting to happen. She refuses to wear her wrist band and was extremely lucky that where she fell yesterday she was under the cord.

I have explained to her that she would not be as lonely if she went into sheltered and would be able to go on planed trips, do activities and meet new friends.

Social services cant force her into sheltered unless she has a really bad fall and is her bungalow is deemed unsafe for her to live in. I think if she made this change ahe woulb be much happier.

I send her an Tesco on line shop up as i was starting to struggle with taxis, prams and shopping and this is much easier.

I too find its battle to get any help. Today her section of ss which deals with equipment told us she will have to wait 2 weeks for aids for in the house. Luckily she is in a doctors who are in a different borough so we were a bit cheeky and got them from them and they are delivering today.

My situation is not as stressful or hard going as yours (i get a break) but i think you should try and get some respite or a carer to come in a couple of days to give you a break.

mumtalktalk Sat 05-Feb-11 03:57:31

Thanks for replying... smile it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with a young family caring for someone elderly. It must be hard not having a car and looking after her but you do really well! My mum's the same she would love to come shopping with me. I think she misses rummaging around the shops looking for bargains. With your Grandma unfortunately I think you are right it is an accident waiting to happen. I guess she wants to be very independent and it's hard coming to terms that you can't look after yourself as much. My mum's has gone and is still going through this. May be you can ask social services if they could arrange for her to have a look at sheltered housing so she can see that it's OK. It's not going to an old people's home she'll still be very independent. It will also put your mind and your mum's mind at rest. At the end of the day what can you do? You can't force her.

2 weeks is a long time to wait for equipment...at least you were quick thinking and got it from another council LOL!! It's sad that you have to do that. It should be a uniform service across the board.

You should see the palava I'm going through trying to get a disability facility grant...that's a topic I could write an essay on! angry

I know I can't keep up this pace for long as I'll burn out or have a nervous break down, but for now I'm managing....but I will take your advice and get some help.

fifi25 Sat 05-Feb-11 12:46:21

We are trying to sorth the money/benefits out and thats a minefield. The forms are so long! She had a change of heart yesterday after ss came out and is possibly going to go into sheltered. Hopefully the waiting lists are not too long. She is having a carer go in once a day which she is not at all keen on. My mam and dad could be in a similar situation soon as well. My dad has a brother in late 40's who is down syndrome. My nana cares for him but is in her 70's with mobility problems. If something happens to her he is going to have to either move in or go into an independant living flat. He has had everything done for him off my nana so i dont know how he will cope with that.

It would be so much easier for you if you could get the grant and would ease some of the pressure. It will cost less money in the long run to have your mam cared for in your home. I find the whole grant/benefit system a struggle. I tried to get a walk in shower installed and they refused.

Are there no centres available where they could pick your mam up and take her for lunch. I have heard of these but havent really looked into it. I think they come in a mini bus and get taken to a centre. This might give her a change of scenery. My grandmas exactlly the same and loved shopping. You can get a wheel chair taxi where you can wheel your mam in. This doesnt really help with where you put your daugter though. smile

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