DH wants me to stop BF our 6mo...causing arguements.

(62 Posts)
Peanutbutternutter419 Sat 25-May-13 23:46:48

Firstly just want to say that BF is going well, DS is putting on over a lb a month and a VERY content little boy! But....This has all come to a head tonight and i'm really upset.
Basically it has come out in an arguement tonight that DH feels left out as a parent due to me BFing our LO.
It all started because I have been out tonight and DH has got himself in a tizz as LO woke up and wanted feeding. I had left a few oz of BM in the fridge but apparently DS drank it all and wanted more so i told DH to give him some formula but by this point, DS was all stressed out so i had to come home after 2 an a half hours. DS ended up drinking formula no problem and was snoring peacefully as i walked through the front door 10 mins later typical

However this has really stressed DH out (which i can fully understand!) and has left him feeling like he is not important apparently. I quote "i feel like its just you and him that live here and im just a nobody". He has been saying that its about time i stopped feeding him and we just move onto bottles so that he can feed him as an option.

I just want to clarify that i have always been open to Ds having bottles of BM or formula at any time and often ask DH if he wants to feed him so i can have a break/cuppa tea in peace but he just says that its quicker and easier for me to feed him.

I hae been out twice since Ds was born and so i dont see the point in switching to bottles when DH has him on his own on a one off...but at the same time its killing me to think that he feels so unimportant in his DS' life.

Sorry...such a long one...just wanted to give a little background to the situation.

flanbase Sat 25-May-13 23:51:43

bf is only part of the parenting equation. It does take time but it's not always interactive time as many sleep & bf at the same moment. Your dh probably wants interaction & this is bathtime, nappy changes and entertainment which is everything else apart from bf. Your milk is helping against colds/infections which means more happy moments for your dh with his son.

RhondaJean Sat 25-May-13 23:53:25

What do you want to do?

Peanutbutternutter419 Sun 26-May-13 00:44:57

I really love bf DS. I feel we both benefit from it so much and i dont want to stop. I have tried so many times to get DH involed in the other things such as bathtimes etc but he just isnt bothered.
Dont get me wrong, he is a great dad, will change nappies, play with him all day long but up until now hasnt seemed interested in feeding side of things and has never said that he felt left out etc until tonight.

I was thinking of asking DH if he could try to do bed times with a bottle a couple of times a week? Do you think thats a good enough response?

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 26-May-13 00:58:45

I think it sounds like you've TWO babies not just one!

Sorry but I hold no truck with this "I feel left out" crap from grown adults. You say he's not interested in doing all the other parenting duties but BF is an issue? I think he sounds jealous and as though he is trying to get his Own Way on this. I suspect that once Big Baby DH has got his Own Way you'll see a significant decrease in this intense desire to feed his child and you will have stopped BF, somethind both you and your ACTUAL baby ds are getting a lot out of.

Me? I would tell him to STFU and GTFU (that's grow the fuck up) and put his child before his own selfish wishes.

flanbase Sun 26-May-13 01:08:06

Is someone pressuring him in the family? Why pick on taking over the most time intensive job when he doesn't do anything else. Solid foods are coming soon so perhaps he could hold on a while until this moment & then he can be in charge of this.

He can have that relationship without you giving up breastfeeding.

Your ds already takes a bottle which is great (neither of mine have)

Pick a feed a make that his feed with ds, you can choose to express or give formula. If your ds feeds in the night then he could do one night feed to give you a chance to get more sleep.

Once your ds gets more mobile, he will be able to do more with him too.

This is probably more about him panicking when your ds was hungry and feeling inadequate and helpless. Reassure him that your ds does need him and breastfeeding is not the only way to comfort him. I can remember my DH being stressed when he became the SAHM parent when dd1 was 7 months old. He just had to find his own way of comforting her. For him that meant tucking her inside his dressing gown for a cuddle), singing silly songs, distraction with toys/tv etc...

Show him the benefits for your son and you.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 26-May-13 01:16:36

He sounds about 6 TBH.

Can he do the solid meals at weaning?

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 01:18:48

Hmm I'm afraid I agree with Sgt.

However what I would be tempted to do is just wait a bit. Have a think about what you want to do - if you are happy with bf and don't want to stop then don't. Let him unpick his pants from his crack and calm down, maybe sleep on it. Then talk it through, keep firm to your decision but remind him of the frequent offers to feed and keep an open mind to other compromises to make him feel more involved. His response to this will tell you all you need to know.

It's completely spurious presumption on my part by I reckon he made an argument out of this because he felt a knob for calling you home, maybe he 'failed' by getting all het up. I wonder that he didn't think this baby lark wasn't as hard/tiring as you made out, he couldn't deal & the truth has hit home a bit. It's always easier to make it your fault than mine!
Not at all that this comes from any personal experience with DH and pfb. He was a knob for a week, got told to wobble his head, had a nice chat & he's super awesome at this parenting lark now grin

joanofarchitrave Sun 26-May-13 01:26:58

I just think he had a stressful time with a baby and reacted to that. God knows looking after your baby and being unable to feed it successfully is horrible for any parent. I would leave the topic for a day or two and return to it when you're both calmer.

SignoraStronza Sun 26-May-13 01:31:40

I'm afraid I also agree with sgt. Explain that the WHO recommends bm with solids as an addition until one year and to continue bf for at least two.
Ex demanded I stop bf at six months. I told him to stfu. Dc wouldn't take a bottle and formula where we were was the most expensive in Europe.

DC 2 - am still bf at 11 months. DH is involved in bathtimes and nappy changing and is the only one of us who can settle to sleep by cuddling. There is far more to growing a baby than its method of feeding and if bf is going well, why be pressured to quit?
Next time you go out, invest in a few cartons of formula, leave him one of those, a pair of scissors and a pre-sterilised bottle within reach and there's no reason why the poor diddums should feel 'left out'.

mathanxiety Sun 26-May-13 02:56:40

I agree with Sgt. He sounds quite immature and I don't think it's insignificant that all of this came to a head the night you were out leaving him at home and in charge. Jealousy is not nice to behold. You could explain it in an older sibling aged about 3, and be patient with it, but in a grown man it is something that he needs to get over.

Your worst case scenario is that you give in to his childishness and stop breastfeeding but he continues to punish you for going out without him or having a social life with friends. Don't think this couldn't happen.

Does he do a lot around the house? Laundry, taking charge of grocery shopping, meal planning and meal prep? Cleaning bathrooms, hoovering, changing nappies, playing with and entertaining the baby? That is what being a parent is all about 90% of the time if you're a mother after all, with feeding realistically taking up relatively little time in the big picture.

Does he complain that he feels left out when you're pushing the hoover around or out bringing home a week's worth of groceries? I am guessing that poor diddums doesn't feel one bit sorry for himself when he sees you bent over the loo either upchucking due to morning sickness or because cleaning it is a job that has fallen to you, but when it comes to one small aspect of mothering that brings you joy and a feeling of being appreciated, to say nothing of the benefits for the baby, suddenly he thinks he's a nobody.

If he sticks to his guns I would insist on Relate if I were you.

TwitchyTail Sun 26-May-13 07:42:19

I would print off some info from LLL or similar about the very significant lifelong health benefits of breastfeeding, even after 6 months, and ask him to think carefully about whether he wants to deny his child that because he feels "left out". As others have said, there are other ways he can get involved.

noblegiraffe Sun 26-May-13 10:03:15

Tell him to get a grip, bfing is about what's best for your baby, not what's best for him.

If he's that keen to feed, let him do the weaning. And clear up the mess too smile

BeanoNoir Sun 26-May-13 10:06:59

Agree with Sgt too.

BearsInMotion Sun 26-May-13 10:12:53

Tell him to get a grip, bfing is about what's best for your baby, not what's best for him.

This grin. To be fair to him, it does sound like one night and he got stressed, so this may not be how he really feels at all. But the health benefits are known, you're happy, you shouldn't just give up because of one night.

DD was exclusively bf till 6 months, when she started biting at bedtime. We switched to formula for the bedtime feed, and it has become daddy's job to do the bedtime bottle. It is really lovely to see them together, and I can see that it's good daddy/daughter bonding, but we wouldn't have done it just for that just to save my poor bleeding boobs.

lurcherlover Sun 26-May-13 10:14:58

This is going to sound harsh, but I think he wants to do a feed as its an easy way to "participate" in parenting. As in, he can snuggle the baby on the sofa and give a bottle whilst watching football. Doing a bath is a lot more of an effort.

I'd stick to your guns or you'll really resent him.

StuntNun Sun 26-May-13 10:20:19

He could be jealous of you and your baby having such a close time together. Breastfeeding can be such an intimate experience where you and the baby both need each other and he feels left out of that relationship. He may feel he doesn't get as much intimate time with you because you're feeding the baby so often. He may also feel that he's missing out on time with the baby. What about having him give a bottle of expressed milk or formula in the early evening when your milk supply is at its lowest anyway then you can get on with making dinner or having some time to yourself. I don't see why he thinks breastfeeding has to be an all or nothing thing. My DH asked me when I was going to stop breastfeeding our 6-month-old and without even thinking about it I said 18 months, he was a bit surprised. But you've already been through the tough part now. From six months you'll have fewer feeds as solids start to increase, feeds will be quicker, you have a sure fire way to comfort your baby if he's ill, teething, hurt, etc. I hope you'll be able to come to some arrangement that keeps you both happy, and baby too obviously.

Peanutbutternutter419 Sun 26-May-13 10:25:03

Wow thanks for replies. We have discussed this this morning in a more reasonable manner but w still seem to disagree.

He admitted that he was completely out of his depth last night and felt like a failure when he couldnt calm DS down quick enough. He said he was fine until he had to sort the formula out as DS was so so so upset eye gauging (sp?) and all! He was saying.."but youve never had to deal with that situation as you just get boob out". I can understand where he's coming from but i tried to reassure him by saying that ds was fine, slept well rest of the night etc.

I told him im not stopping bf but if he wants to he can start doing bedtime with a bottle if he wants, and he said h
That he would like to. So thats progress.

But then he said about fazing bf out over the nect month whilst weaning!! He thinks i am doing it for my benefit and enjoyment more. hmm

EauRouge Sun 26-May-13 10:26:35

Breastfeeding is not just what's best for your baby- it also lowers your risk of several different types of cancer and for breast and ovarian cancer, these risks are lower the longer you BF. I wonder if your DH realises the health benefits of breastfeeding? Also if you wean now you'll have to buy 6 months' worth of formula milk which will be pretty costly.

Is this definitely about feeling left out of feeding or is there something else going on? Maybe someone has told him they think BF beyond a certain age is wrong or something like that.

noblegiraffe Sun 26-May-13 10:27:03

But if you stop bfing then there will be more faffing about with formula while the baby cries, not less confused

Why would he want to make life more difficult just because he's jealous of you being able to fix a crying baby more quickly than him?

MortifiedAdams Sun 26-May-13 10:27:48

Tbh if he cant be bothered picking up other responsibilities such as bathtime, I would not be bothering eeaning your ds off the boob.

Your dh was perfectly capable of pre-preparing a bottle to keep in the fridge incase LO needed it.

EauRouge Sun 26-May-13 10:29:21

Oops, x-posts.

BonaDea Sun 26-May-13 10:30:07

Sounds to me like it was a knee jerk reaction from him as he's been in a total tizz due to screaming baby!

I agree with you op that it is silly to stop because of a one off incident and unless DH was going to do a regular stint.

noblegiraffe Sun 26-May-13 10:30:21

Please don't allow him to bully you into stopping bfing for his satisfaction. When you read how many women on here struggle to bfeed, and are devastated when they can't, it makes me really cross to think that a man would try to stop his wife bfing his baby when it is the best thing for both of them because he is simply too selfish to allow it to continue.

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