Help - What do we do on Father's Day?

(18 Posts)
shhhgobacktosleep Sat 08-Jun-13 16:56:28

My husband died on 29th March, suddenly and without warning, he was only 39. The children and I have naturally been left devastated but somehow we are managing to keep breathing.

Our youngest son is 7yrs old and for the first year ever he has become aware of Father's Day (through media advertising, shop promotions etc) - I've found myself wishing he had never learned to read sad. He has asked what are we going to do on Father's Day and whilst I'd really like to pretend its just not happening, for him that doesn't seem an option. I can't think what to do - every where we go will be full of fathers with their children and it will be like a knife through our hearts sad

We don't even have the option of visiting grandfathers as our only surviving grandparent lives 400 miles away. A lovely teacher at school had arranged to do a balloon release with my youngest and another child at school who lost his father several years ago so I don't really want to repeat this. Does anyone have any suggestions?

5madthings Sat 08-Jun-13 16:59:10

What was your husbands fave.things.to.do wth you and the boys?

I.waa going to.suggest the balloons but thats being done, maybe a family.day with a picnic, somehing you will.all.enjoy but gives you all the space.to just be and.to.remember yoir dh?

Sorry.for your loss xx

Clearlymisunderstood Sat 08-Jun-13 17:03:56

Is there a grave you can visit and take a card and some flowers to?

shhhgobacktosleep Sat 08-Jun-13 17:19:20

No no grave clearly - he was cremated and we are making arrangements to scatter his ashes.

It sounds bizarre 5madthings but I honestly can't think what his favourite thing was other than simply being with us. He was military and spent a LOT of time deployed, so anytime together was special no matter where we were. He had started taking youngest for 'boys together' time to our village pub for a pint (apple juice) smile and to watch our home city team in their matches, or onboard his ship; I can't fill the gap he has left in the children's lives.

PurpleBlossom Sat 08-Jun-13 17:24:56

How about spending the day going through photos of days out etc and maybe making a 'Dad' photo album or memory box?

I'm really sorry for your loss, it must be very difficult sad

tootdelafruit Sat 08-Jun-13 17:27:56

could you scatter the ashes on fathers' day? and then go to the pub he took them to for a pint of apple juice?

shhhgobacktosleep Sat 08-Jun-13 17:40:19

The scattering of his ashes is being done at sea with the Royal Navy toot so we can't do that. Am liking the idea of incorporating a memory box into the day purple. I think ideally I'd like to come up with something that we can do every Father's Day.

tootdelafruit Sat 08-Jun-13 18:31:05

couldn't you have some ashes to scatter separately?

what did you do previously on fathers' day? any traditions or favourite restaurants?

eatyourveg Sat 08-Jun-13 18:44:54

Do your dc have a godfather they could spoil for the day?

shhhgobacktosleep Sat 08-Jun-13 19:01:30

I really can't bring myself to scatter some of him separately to the rest, to me it seems disrespectful somehow. Their God father also lives 100s of miles away. We are very much going to have to do whatever it is we settle on on our own.

tootdelafruit Sat 08-Jun-13 19:06:31

totally understandable. what about traditions/restaurants etc? what did you used to to with/for him on fathers' day?

shhhgobacktosleep Sat 08-Jun-13 19:17:42

For the last 12 years he was only home for one Father's Day so I cooked his favourite roast, made his favourite dessert and we all just enjoyed having him home with us. More usually we were sending him parcels and cards BFPO

tootdelafruit Sat 08-Jun-13 19:46:53

ok, so maybe cook 'dads favourite dinner' and dessert and I would take the lead from your DS about anything else he would like to do. I know you said his teacher is doing a balloon release but he may have a few things of his own he'd like to do. he may not and that's ok too. you could just spend the day looking at old photos of him and your dcs as babies/small children. watching some movies he loved, go to that pub for a drink. is there a story your ds loved his dad telling/reading to him?

5madthings Sat 08-Jun-13 19:49:09

Cooking his fave dinner and pudding sounds lovely, esp a a you can get the boys involved in doing it.

And ,maybe a trip to apib for a pint of apple juice, is there a football match on that you could watch for their home team?

holidaysarenice Sat 08-Jun-13 19:51:19

Despite being 21 when my dad died, I find the run up father's day worse than itself. Seeing the adverts is hard, the day I don't find hard. Many people will be thinking of you/call you on the first fathers day, it then tails off. I find birthdays/parents wedding anniversary etc much harder.

Honestly I'd not make a fuss of it. In my head I would start a new tradition - walk on a nearby beach idea but not make it a tradition with the kids. Nice meal at home, jammies and a dvd. I wouldn't go anywhere with lots of families it can be hard.

I wud use your son mentioning it as a way to talk about his dad. He might want to write a diary of things he'd want to say to him, or things he can't say to u. I know he is a little young.

I really hope this helps.
Above all - I like to raise a glass to my dad - just to say thank you for the wonderful years we did have.

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes Sat 08-Jun-13 19:53:59

I used blurb to make a book for my sons about their grandpa after he died, with photos and simple text about his life and how much he loved them.
Maybe you could make a Father's Day book for them that you could all read together on that day each year?

www.blurb.co.uk

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 08-Jun-13 19:57:25

I think I wholeheartedly second *holidaysarenice*. What would your DH have wanted you to do - I'm sure he would have wanted you to have a nice day full of love. Try to do that with a nice meal, a walk, a bike ride, a trip to the park.

Hugs and love - sorry you are going through this.

MickeyMouseHasGrownUpACow Mon 10-Jun-13 17:06:22

I'm so sorry. It must be terrible for you all.

Its not directly relevant or comparable but I when I was bedridden for many months, I asked the kids how they wanted to spend Christmas (within my limits) and we wrote a list together. They really liked having some control over things and it was surprising what little things they wanted to do (e.g. face-painting my face, a board game).

Also not quite relevant but related is that my dad wasn't part of our lives (through his own choosing unlike your dh) and we spent fathers day doing anything that was fun. But like another poster says the commercialised run up was worse than the actual day.

Cooking your dh's favourite meal is a good idea.

I hope its bearable for you all.

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