today, one year ago, my waters broke. this is yet another day and another first anniversary marked.
when I think back I should have listened to my instincts and stood my ground - I knew there was something up but I blindly allowed them to tell me that I had wet myself (something that apparently happens a lot with twin mums during pregnancy) and I acted sheepish and ashamed and the midwives thought it was funny to. I wish id asked for another more senior midwife (I dont mean this to sound snooty or in anyway how it sounds probably) as I was having high risk twins and id just had surgery 3 days before to save them - when i told the midwives that id had laser ablation surgery and also when they saw the wound they looked at each other like "wtf" I should have read the signs a bit better - I should have just done something so small and they could've still be here today. a friend of mine who i was pregnant alongside with told me today that her little girl has just started walking! and so I have begun to wander what they would be up to were they still here.
this sucks this suck this sucks!!! I think that the anniversary has hit me harder than it actually happening and that doesn't make sense to me at all xx im sorry if this isn't very coherent but I have been so very cross today that this morning I actually thought about sending a curt letter to my maternity hospital and then I realised that its a year later so what's the point eh?
- I've got one more major anniversary to go (the 31st which is when the boys were actually born) and theN I'll probably will write them a letter that I may or may not send. I can't help thinking that it was my fault though.. The boys died in part because they got ttts (the placenta is faulty) and also because my waters broke 6 days before they were born. Its all horrific its all a blur and yet its so clear in my mind x
thank you all for your words though they do give me comfort x
You couldn't help any of that though. You didn't choose it to happen.
I am lucky my child is here and safe, and 8 now, but I went into labour at 29 weeks. I didn't choose that either, it wasn't my fault. I honestly cannot imagine your pain but I can tell you I M sure noone wanted those babies more or would have worked harder for them than you.
Both our bodies let us down. One had a happy outcome one didnt. But you can't blame you.
It is not your fault. We listen to medical staff because they should know. You trusted them and 999 times out of 1000 that would have been the perfect decision. You couldnt have known this would be the one time they were wrong. You couldnt have known!
Do whatever you feel is right re the letter.
I can feel how much you love and loved your babies. There is nothing in the world that will change that.