My story...

(8 Posts)
AlisonL1981 Fri 24-May-13 10:49:19

Hi, my dad died on the 11th may this year and I'm not sure how I'm coping with it.

I moved to Scotland in February to live with my boyfriend as we were expecting a baby. (400 miles from my parents home)

The weekend I moved my dad was admitted to hospital with chest and kidney pain. I saw him in hospital before I had to leave.

I had my baby after a week of moving house. He came 7 weeks early and was kept in hospital.

While my son was in the special care unit my dad was diagnosed with asbestos cancer and was given 6-12 months to live.

My mum brought my dad up to see us so he could see his first grandson in hospital. The trip I think took its toll on my dad. He was happy to see his grandson although he couldn't hold him. He was also happy to visit Scotland for the first time and to see the sea after many years.

After returning home my dad was re admitted to hospital where his care wasn't very good. My mum managed to get him discharged and took him home to care for him.

We travelled down to see my dad 2 weeks after my son was discharged from hospital. A 10 hour car journey. My dad was overwhelmed and could finally hold his grandson, or at least have him lay on him as he was so weak. We took many photos of them together.

It was heartbreaking. We stayed with my parents for 3 days before having to travel home for my partners work.

My dad died 2 days after we got home. 9 weeks after being originally admitted to hospital.

I'm so heartbroken and feel guilty I didnt get to spend more time with him in those last few weeks. He did get to see his grandson who I'm sure came 7 weeks early for that reason.

My mum said she could see in his eyes he was only holding on for us to visit him and he gave up after we left.

I wish I'd have know. Or deep down I think I did. I wish I'd have spoken to him more in those last 3 days or let him hold my son more. I wish the day we left I'd have said a proper goodbye but I didn't want him to see me cry.

knittedslippersx3 Fri 24-May-13 10:57:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad got to see you and his grandson that is what you must remember and hold on to. Try not to dwell on what you didn't say or do. Be kind to yourself, you have been through an awful lot. Moving away, having your ds and losing your dad. Sending you lots of love and thoughts.

Mollydoggerson Fri 24-May-13 11:03:23

I'm so sorry, I am also grieving for my Dad who died on the 29th December.

I cried every day for 8 weeks or so. Then the crying eased and it wasn't every day.

I'm back to crying every day again, but it is a lot more controlled.

It takes time, lots of time. And for me drinking coffee helped to get me up and out of the house and doing other things.Take a multivitamin as well and go easy on yourself, it takes lots of time to process all your thoughts and feelings.

Don't feel guiltuy, you cannot control the surrounding circumstances. I'm so glad for you that you got the time that you did have with your Dad.

ELR Fri 24-May-13 11:04:33

Sorry for your loss. To be honest I think we always wish we had said this or done that just one more time, because that's the reality it is one last time so it's never enough.
You did get to see your dad one last time and I'm sure you taking your son to see him meant everything to him so for him it was enough.
It will get better it just takes time, just take this time and enjoy your sons baby moments knowing your dad got to hold him, because they go by so quickly. Also have a really good cry it makes you feel better!

HighJinx Fri 24-May-13 11:19:19

I am so sorry.

I agree with knitted that you should try not to dwell on what you didn't do and focus on the fact that he got to see and hold his grandson.

You did what felt right at the time and you did it for the right reasons. Looking back now you are seeing things differently and it is making you feel guilty when you should not.

What a lot you have had going on in the last few months. Look after yourself.

Growlithe Fri 24-May-13 11:34:29

I'm really sorry you've lost your dad.

You have to know you gave him the greatest gift in your son. How amazing that he was born early. Things really do happen for a reason.

And not only did he come along in time to meet his grandad, he came to help you through these weeks, and give you some focus and structure in your life at a time when you are feeling adrift. This will help you so go with it.

As for not saying a proper goodbye, my mum died suddenly and I'd felt a bit cross with her the last time I'd seen her because she'd kept me late for something. It took me years to get over the guilt. When my DMIL died, she had cancer so we knew. I got chance to say goodbye that time I suppose, but not properly, because what words would be enough anyway?

Having his grandson, and the timings around that, that was better than words, so go easy on yourself and take care. flowers

lynniep Fri 24-May-13 11:36:44

You did everything you could. Its very difficult when your family are so far away, and so much more when you have a new baby. You made your dads last days happy by bringing your son to see him. You could not have done more than that. He knew he was loved just from these actions - you didn't need to say more I'm sure of it. Focus on these things. x

telsa Fri 24-May-13 20:32:12

Your father knew he was loved and must have been so proud to see his grandson. Your father knew you very well and will I am sure have known why your goodbye was perfunctory.
Whatever we do, we will always feel we could have done more. But the most important thing is that we live and carry our memories on and impart to our children how great the people were who cared for us. It will ease in time, I am sure.

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