Advice on contacting a bereaved friend

(5 Posts)
RubyrooUK Sat 09-Feb-13 17:28:06

Can I please ask for some advice?

A friend very sadly had a baby at around 6mo and the baby didn't survive.

I want to let this friend know I am thinking of them but it is quite recent and I doubt they are even thinking of me at this point. We tend to meet up every few months with our older kids and we get on very well, but can't get together all the time.

I was told about the baby's death by a mutual friend who is much closer to the bereaved parents and sees them very often.

To make things slightly complicated, I am currently 35 weeks pregnant myself. The bereaved mother and I were excited about seeing each other more when we had our new babies. So I feel she may not want to see me at the moment for obvious reasons.

What can I do? I was going to write her a letter to tell her how terribly sorry I was. Would this be the best thing to do? Is there anything I can aside from that - a donation to a charity, plant a tree, a gift?

I feel so so terribly sad and upset for her but want to let her know I am there. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

LadyKinbote Sat 09-Feb-13 17:30:06

I would write a card. It doesn't have to be long, just that you're thinking of her. And then give her space to contact you in her own time. She understandably might find it hard once your baby's born.

Pancakeflipper Sat 09-Feb-13 17:37:14

A card. I think it helps to know people care and are thinking about them but often surround themselves with just a few others in the early months.

And if you are not seeing her for a while just keep sending her a few notes so she knows you care and are there for her.

You are right in the fact that she probably won't want to see you. She may even feel anger towards you as you are still pregnant. However, a card would be an appropriate gesture. Give her time, lots of it, to respond, but I'm sure she will appreciate that you have thought of her. If you don't send anything, she may well think that you are too wrapped up in the thoughts of your own pregnancy to acknowledge her tragic loss which will hurt her more.

I may be wrong, but I am talking as a bereaved mother myself and I know that I harbour immense anger towards a work colleague who still has not acknowledged my dd's death 3 months ago. My dd died whilst she was (and still is) on maternity leave with her new baby dd and the fact that she couldn't even take a moment out of her perfect life to acknowledge my dd's passing leaves me feeling pure rage!

The fact that you are even asking the question on here shows that you are a compassionate person who wants to do the right thing. Good luck.

RubyrooUK Sat 09-Feb-13 17:52:41

Thanks for all the advice so far. Sorry about your loss Cupoftea.

I would not dream of failing to acknowledge her baby's loss. I just want to do it in the right way because I am so so conscious that I am pregnant myself and don't want to hurt her at all. I would completely understand her not wanting to see me or get in touch when my baby is born.

Although I have never lost a baby this late, I have had earlier losses. This is something else that has bonded us both as it was quite a journey for either of us to get and stay pregnant.

I just didn't know if a card was enough. But then I am not sure if anything is enough in that situation really so I will probably just do that.

Thank you again.

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