My best friends dad just suddenly died

(6 Posts)
AlphaAndEcho Thu 24-Jan-13 23:27:18

Thank you so much for your advice it has been really helpful especially the part about being there for her later . I really think that is when she is going to need it . Judging by her state of mind just now she is in total shock and somewhere down this is all going to hit her like a bus. I'm actually quite worried about her sad

I'll just need make sure I'm always there for her and it's good to know I have you lovely MNers here to ask advice if I ever need it smile

So sorry for your loss zimmy I imagine you are still grieving . flowers

zimmyzammyzoom Thu 24-Jan-13 21:14:25

I lost my dad in October and was (still am) absolutely devastated. I second that it gets harder - I think about him more now than ever, silly things like seeing something on tv he would've liked or things in the supermarket he used to like to eat. My friends have been wonderful, I'm not a big one for emotion or talking about my feelings but they were there in person at the funeral, doing practical things like the childcare you mention and have continued to support me through things like the odd text 'how you doing?', 'thinking of you today' etc. but mainly carrying on doing normal things without forgetting what I'm going through, they'll ask how I am and move on if I don't want to talk. I can totally understand how you feel helpless, especially when it's sudden, my dad had been diagnosed with cancer in August then died 3 months later. My friends knew he was bad but maybe not so bad that it was going to happen that soon. I'd let your friend know you're there for her but let her take the lead. It's hard to advise not knowing what she's like but you'll know best whether she likes to talk over things or not. My sympathies, it's a total shitter hmm

peasandcarrots30 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:41:02

Its so hard, but it is still early days Alpha. Sounds like you are already being a great friend. The practical stuff always helps. No doubt your friend will need time. You will want to do anything you can for her, but the truth is there is not that much you can do except be there for her. It may be you can cook for them if she is eating, and even just be around (some people value the company, others just having some level of normality with others they love close by).

Talking, going over memories, can be helpful. But I can't stress enough that it is early days. Your friend may need you now, but she will definitely need you around for the long term. If you can help her to talk about him/ memories/ how she feels when she is ready, that can be very helpful.

Other practical things can be around funeral arrangements - it just depends on who else she might have around to help her - but no doubt you know her well and will probably know when to step in and when to step back. There are little painful things - finding something to wear to the funeral, speaking with the coroner if applicable, telling other family / friends, cancelling bank stuff. But all these jobs aren't necessarily yours.

My mum died very suddenly at 60, when I was 23. To be honest I valued talking it through with other people, especially those who had gone through a bereavement themselves. And I valued anyone who would just come and be with me, or talk. But everyone is different. Bereavement is a long journey, and we never reach a destination with it, we just learn to walk the journey of life with the loss.

townbuiltonahill Tue 22-Jan-13 20:35:16

Coming in first as only just seen this. I'm sure others will come alongside you too, soon. I think MN has dedicated support pages too?

First Aid - just be there for her. You're her best friend. It's a terrible shock which will only sink in gradually. Then she'll want to talk. And you can cry together too. If there are practical things that need doing, just look out and listen for what they are.

Hope this helps.

HecateWhoopass Tue 22-Jan-13 20:31:37

Be there for her. That's all you can do. Practical help. Whatever she needs that you are able to do.

Everyone is so different. Some like to talk, others don't. Some want hugs. Others want meals and kids and help like that. You need to be guided by her.

Which again is hard because she probably won't want to be being repeatedly asked what it is you can do.

She needs to know that she can count on you, that's the most important thing.

And not just now, and next week, and just after the funeral. But after that. When most people go back to the same old routine and she's left feeling like the world moved on. She'll need you then, too.

AlphaAndEcho Tue 22-Jan-13 20:23:31

My best friends dad dropped dead today sad he was only 59 . She is only 28 . I am so sad for her sad

I have an overwhelming urge to help her but I don't know what I can do - I feel so helpless . I am taking her DD tomorrow after school (her DD and mine are best friends too) to soft play then for their dinner .

Is there anything else I can do help her ?

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