When love just isn't enough- Saying goodbye to Beatrice.

(1000 Posts)

Well, here I am, back on the Bereavement boards, just 13 months after we given the news at birth that Beatrice Primrose was very poorly and would pass away soon. So I say 'only' 13 months, but my God we squeezed a lifetime into that time.

Beatrice passed away at 10.20am today- she was 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day old.

She eventually died of respiratory failure, as we always knew she would. She'd been suffering for about 2 weeks with pneumonia and it all came to a head last night. She was on 10 litres oxygen but thrashing around in pain. She even cried out, which was very unusual. She was given morphine, and an hour later her respiratory effort decreased. We were moved into a side room and dh was called. He arrived with Bea's sisters, and I inadvertently called my mum's mobile by mistake too, so she turned up as well. The girls said goodbye, then went to sleep whilst the adults all watched and waited as Beatrice's breathing became more sporadic and laboured.

However, before too long, in true Bea style, her sats rose enough to begin registering again and I realised her respiratory effort was increasing. We all breathed a huge sigh of relief and at 7am dh woke the girls to take them home for school, my mum left and Beatrice and I moved back into HDU with Beatrice on 15 litres o2 and her sats hovering around 80%. I closed my eyes and slept until 8.30. On waking, I noticed Beatrice was the same, but I was overcome with an urge to cuddle her. So, I lifted her out of the cot and cuddled her to me. As I did so, her sats went into free-fall.

I watched the monitor as her numbers decreased and called the nurse over. She looked worried as Beatrice didn't respond to suction. A male nurse came in and began to resuscitate Beatrice with a bag and mask as 2 doctors appeared and helped with a jaw lift. It was at this point that I was advised to call dh to come back to the hospital, which I did. We moved back into the side room and the team continued to bag Beatrice until dh arrived. At this point, we chose for resuscitation to be withdrawn and to just give Beatrice the 15 litres of o2 through a mask and allow her to slip away.

Her heartbeat was still strong, but her breathing effort was laboured. We removed all Bea's monitoring tabs and sats probe and gave her a lovely warm wash. We dressed her in a brand new babygrow and I put her hair up in a little top side knot. At this point a nurse came in to check her breathing and dh and I cried and cried and cried. Just as the gaps in her breathing were getting wider, Bea's lovely CCN who has supported her and us since week 1 came into the room. I know I was howling at this point and gripping Beatrice to me like the precious bundle she was. Finally, dh kissed her head, and Beatrice squeezed my finger in response. At this point, she made two gurgling noises, and she was gone.

I can't really explain that pain. I guess my chest was physically aching. But a weird twist of anxiety that had formed in the pit of my stomach over the previous weeks suddenly disappeared.

Then it was all go really. Phone calls made, mum and PIL came in and broke their hearts. Dh collected girls from school as the nurse checked Beatrice for 'leakages'. We made the decision to drive Beatrice to the hospice in our car so for this we needed a special letter and had to inform the police- who knew it is illegal to drive with a dead body in your car? The nurses took finger and foot prints, and we chose a curly lock of hair to cut off and keep, and the hospital gave us a lovely wooden box to keep her momentos in.

Then the girls arrived, and we took them into a side room to break the news. I did the talking, blabbermouth, and just reminded them of what I told them a year ago- Beatrice had become too poorly. The doctors tried to help her but they couldn't, so she had to go to heaven. I reminded them that she was very poorly, and normally healthy children like them don't just go to heaven so they didn't need to be scared for themselves. Then we sang This Little Light of Mine because there's a verse we always sang to Beatrice- "If you get to heaven before I doosy doosy, you get to heaven before I doosy doosy, tell those angels, I'm coming toosy toosy, children of the Lord". So we decided that Beatrice has gone to meet the angels, but warned them we're coming too one day! Then dd2 cried, but dd1 remained stoic.

We went back then to be with Beatrice and had our photos taken together. Then a couple of nurses came to say goodbye and we had to put Beatrice in her car seat (the law even when dead, again, who knew?)

We drove to the hospice and I held Beatrice's hand the whole way, although she was getting colder and colder. On arriving at the hospice, I was delighted to see the allocated carer was the first to book Beatrice in on her first stay back in February. We carried her to the Little Room, a chilled room where Beatrice can stay for 7 days. I tucked her up in a Moses basket with a blanket then we went out for a cup of tea and to begin the next chapter in our lives.

We were so pleased to find a family we became friends with from Lourdes are staying here, so we had cuddles and shared Bea stories while the girls cheerfully played with a helper.

After tea, I put the girls to bed and returned to the Little Room. I wrapped myself in a duvet and gave Beatrice a beautiful, long cuddle. She is so cold now and pale. BUT, her hair smells the same! It still smells like Beatrice, so I buried my face in in her curls, drank in the gorgeous scent and howled until my throat hurt. I rocked her and sang all her lullabies, then placed her back in the moses basket and said goodnight.

We asked for her feeding tube to be removed, and when dh went back over to see her, he confirmed they'd done this and took some beautiful pictures. My God, my girl is so adorable. So completely beautiful and at peace. She looks like a sleeping doll.

I'm in bed now. I've not slept properly for 48 hours, but I'm not even tired. I had a lump in my throat and I'm dreading tomorrow, I guess that's when the real hell starts.

I love you Beatrice, good night sweetheart.

ReeBee Wed 24-Oct-12 21:28:44

I couldn't read your beautiful tribute and not post. I am so sorry for your loss xx

thixotropic Wed 24-Oct-12 21:28:52

So, so sorry

Beautiful Bea

X

I am so sorry for your loss, like many others I've read a lot of your updates and have been thinking of you regularly.

May peace be with you and your family at this difficult time

marshmallowpies Wed 24-Oct-12 21:29:51

Another lurker. So very, very sorry.
Rest easy, cariad.

usualsuspect3 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:29:51

So sorry ,my heart goes out to you and your family , N'night Beatrice x

TallyBear Wed 24-Oct-12 21:30:31

Cup I'm so sorry. Thinking of and praying for you and Bea and your family.

<<hugs>>

xx

RubberNeckNibbler Wed 24-Oct-12 21:30:34

Thank you for sharing those precious moments with Beatrice. She has been an absolute inspiration, I'm so sorry she couldn't stay longer. Thinking of you all.

Sleep well precious girl x

blizy Wed 24-Oct-12 21:30:56

Cuppftea, I am so, so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I followed your story about Beatrice last year and your precious girl touched my heart and many others, I'm sure. I have a candle lit for little Bea. Sleep tight little angel. X

NellyBluth Wed 24-Oct-12 21:31:22

I've just looked at your photos, Bea was so adorable, such beautiful eyes and what a smile!

DazR Wed 24-Oct-12 21:32:31

Love and prayers to you and your family at this incredibly sad time.

Just as you have found strength from this forum's support - we, who have been privileged to follow your story, have been humbled; by both your beautiful precious daughter Bea and you and the amazing cup family.

God Bless x

drummerswife Wed 24-Oct-12 21:32:38

rest in peace beatrice
thinking of you and your family x

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 24-Oct-12 21:33:16

You write about Beatrice so beautifully.
I simply can't imagine your pain.

Rest peacefully darling girl x

PedallingSquares Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:31

I quietly watched your all your threads since Beatrice was born last year.

I am amazed by how much you all packed in to Bea's brief and precious time here.

Thank you for letting us share your journey. You and Bea have been an inspiration to so many.

Thinking of you all. Sleep well Beatrice x

LostInWales Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:43

I posted a few times on your threads over the last year but today I have been thinking about you all so much. So sorry for your heartbreak. You gave that beautiful, beautiful girl every single opportunity in her life and loved and protected her above and beyond what some of us would have been capable. She had the best mother and family in the world and I'm sure that brought her joy. I hope you can draw strength from the fact that you gave her so much more life than any doctor would have predicted. Sending love and hugs to help you through the next days. I wish I could find words to help x

pepperrabbit Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:46

I am so so sorry.
x

missmapp Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:48

I am so sorry for your loss, she was a truly beautiful little girl.

God bless xx

bamboostalks Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:57

Remember that penetrating peace of Lourdes; Beatrice now has that with Our Holy Mother who loves her so very much.

EnjoyVampirebloodResponsibly Wed 24-Oct-12 21:35:36

I've lurked on your posts and hoped for your little girl.

I am so very sad for you.

I hope now that you find peace at this terrible time.

Your OP overflows with the love that filled Bea's life. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

DisappointedHorse Wed 24-Oct-12 21:36:02

That's heartbreaking.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Big love to you all.

MrsKwaHaHaHaAzii Wed 24-Oct-12 21:36:28

Love shines out from your every post Cup. I am so very sorry that this day has come. May perpetual light shine upon your wonderful Beatrice and her love continue to shine in the hearts of everyone who knew her. So sorry for you all xx

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 24-Oct-12 21:36:50

She was a beautiful, beautiful little fairy and your descriptions of her make her so "there"....I can't find the words but I, like so many others am so sorry that you can't share more time with Beatrice Primrose.

I know that she's in that very special place where babies go to when they cant stay here. She's sleeping in peace now and I hope tomorrow is bearable as it can be. xxxx

Oh cup I have no words. I'm just so so sorry. Wishing you strength for the coming days my love.

Darling Bea - you have touched and inspired so many. Sleep peacefully now sweetheart xxxx

Cup reading that made me weep and weep - it was the most heart breaking thing I have ever read. Again, I am so sorry for all the pain you and your teaset are enduring and for the life Bea never got to live.

HelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 24-Oct-12 21:37:32

Oh cupofteaplease, what a sad, sad post to read - but so bursting with love.

Sending big hugs from all at MNHQ

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