Babyloss annivesary sadness - how can you tell others about it?

[givingmeaheadache]

I am trying to move on with life... but still get sad at anniversary time.

Someone has organised a meet up of my new "mum" friends -but on the same date as we lost our baby. But it is now 5 years on.

These people don't know what happened(I told one of the original group and she stopped wanting to meet me) and then didn't tell the others (was too worried it would scare them off).

There are many reasons I want them to know. I am not myself at that time of year - so think people deserve a warning! I want to get to know them better and don't feel the friendship can deepen without them knowing this part of my life history. It is hard work holding it back.
However I am worried about losing them - from past experience, it is a risk.

I could suggest another date - but would prefer for my son's sake that we have company that day. It is also five years.. and while there is no time limit on grief, it does feel like it's time to do normal stuff on the Day now.

Maybe just continue to bite my lip, hard as it is - and then one day given enough time, there will be a right time in the conversation to mention it?

I didn't want to leave this unanswered. I'm sorry that the original group member was scared off. I hope you find some more understanding mum friends who can support you.

When speaking about your children within the group, just say you are the proud mother of X amount of children, include your angel DC. Only mention briefly at this point as you will be in a group of people, answer any questions honestly and do smile when asked a question about your child, but do not dwell, big meet ups are not the time or the place for big in depth chats on any topic.

Do not be afraid to turn away any questions. You may even develop a support network or a new friend who you can rely on top talk to or who may understand.

You always have us on MN

I think theres lots of Mums who continue to talk about their angel children long,long after their initial loss- certainly Ive spoken to ladies (usually strangers at bus stops etc) and they have remembered their children and spoke of them to me.

I think its quite normal,but understand how raw it feels for you.

I am sorry that one mother reacted badly to your news and hope that this is not a common reaction.

Is there one person in the group who you are slightly closer to, who you could confide in?

Do what you think is best for you and your son.

You may be aware of the group of bereaved mums who post on MN - they are a very supportive group and would certainly have some advice for you.

giving I am so sorry you had that reaction when you were brave enough to say the words out loud .

My son died when he was 14mths old and I have gone on to have two more children who are now both at school . I would say that most of the school gate mums either have no idea about my first son or just don't want to talk about it . It is hard because you do feel like you have got two seperate lives , but when is the right time to tell someone ?

I do agree with innocent that the best way to do it is calmly and honestly without getting upset or going into too much detail (tears do tend to make most people IMHO scared to talk )

Is there one in the group that you feel a wee bit closer too ? Maybe speak to her and ask her to explain to everyone else why the date is so important .

And as an aside , I found the fifth yr a really tricky one .

It is a bit early for me and I know I am waffling a bit but please do come back and let us know how it goes .

You don't have to bite your lip - if that mum stopped wanting to see you because your child died then she is not someone you would ever want to be friends with.

I think British people have a weird (and selfish) attitude towards grief and bereavement - they seem to expect the person who has been bereaved to be the strong one and take control of any situation in which anyone (ie them) might feel awkward.

I can see it might be hard, and a bit of a conversation stopper, announcing the anniversary in a group situation - but if you were to say to one or two of the mums either before on the phone, or on the day, what date it is and that this is a difficult time for you but you don't want everything to grind to a halt for 24 hours so really appreciate being around people etc (or whatever you do feel) - I am sure you will find they are fine. And if they're not, they are definitely not worth spending time with. Good luck - and huge hugs
xx

Bereaved mums thread

Just linking you to our wonderful thread. A thread full of love, support, sadness, happiness and hope.

Here in the UK we discuss all sorts...you just have to look on TV to confirm that. BUT the one taboo subject is death. I have lost two of my four sons and have had every reaction, from others, that you can think of....and then some!!

When asked, I always say 'I have had four sons' then depending on the day, the emotions of that day or even something as simple as the weather, I MAY tell the person more.

All I ever wanted from friends was acknowledgement of my sons existence and maybe just a smile or a hug.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your son and the way your friend reacted. Tbh she's not much of a friend if she reacted in that way. My son was stillborn in june and people's reactions can be staggering. I also find it difficult when people ask me if I have children, my response depends on who that person is. The bereaved parents thread is a wonderful place, please join us there to rant, cry, chat, whatever x

Aww thanks for replies everyone.
Well I asked if the date of the meet up could be changed (giving a different reason - it's just too risky).

I'm coming to terms more and more with the fact that a bit of friend-shedding is inevitable when you lose a child; people cannot cope and unfair tho it is, you end up having to find the strength to carry the burden of your loss and of shattered friendships. Add into that the effect on your relationship (of the different grieving styles) - and no wonder it is a very difficult time.

I'm still pondering it all but will post back if I have any more insight!

Thanks again

Friends like that aren't worth having. If they can't be supportive even one tiny little iota, then they are the most fair weathered friends ever. I'd be glad you know that about her now.

If you find it difficult to talk about, you could mention it to one of the most approachable women, and then let her know you're not keeping it a secret, and don't mind others knowing, but that it's sometimes still hard to talk about it. Your friend will hopefully be tactful enough to pass it onto others, so that they're aware, but none of them will feel the pressure to talk to you about it.