Help me understand why my niece behaves so rudely.

[pepsi]

My 8 year old niece, who before I start is a nice girl, can however be really rude. We had a Halloween party at the weekend, she wouldnt join in with the games, scowled deeply at the food I had done, refused to eat it and when asked a question by anyone just didnt answer and screwed her face up. Am I right in saying this is rude? Im just wondering if theres a reason behind it. Apparently she talks to other grown ups at school and is perfectly polite, but I notice she is like this whenver I see her, she can never answer a question, like, How was your day at school? What have you been up to today? and on Sunday even Would you like a cake? Her parents, although embarrased, dont say anything so she does get away with it. When we went out trick or treating on Sunday she asked for food and ate it all and a drink, but wouldnt join in at the table at meal time. I really cant understand it. How should I deal with her, esp as I dont want to upset her parents.

[pepsi]

Oh forgot to say, she refused to go trick or treating without giving a reason and so stayed behind ...........the only child to do so.

[coppertop]

Is it that she won't answer or can't answer? I know that ds1 just doesn't understand the words who/why/how although he's finally getting the hang of "where". What happens if you phrase the question differently? Ds1 wouldn't understand "How was your day?" but might understand (and therefore answer) "Did you do X/Y/Z today?

[pepsi]

No not at all, she is a bright normal 8 year old. She has always been a bit difficult socially, like when she opens a gift she never jumps for joy, her reaction is always very muted and she sometimes just throws it aside and says she doesnt like.......and no one tells her off for being ungrateful either.

[lydialemon]

This is a bit difficult, as I don't see that she's being rude......but then I have DS1 who acts the same, and I know that he is just very shy and uncomfortable with social situations (takes after his mum )

I find it very hard taking DS out sometimes as it often feels like he gets badgered by adults. We were at the opticians on Monday and this guy just kept talking to him 'what school do you go to?', 'is this your Dsis?' 'why are you hiding behind your Mum?(FFS! cos you won't LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!) I'm not saying you are like this at all pepsi, but maybe the best thing to do with your neice is to ask her once/offer something once, and if she doesn't answer say 'OK, fine' and just let it be.

Obviously I don't know her so she could just be a PITA! [grin}

[lydialemon]

or even

[pepsi]

Thats interesting Lydialemon, I do wonder whether its just a social thing, her Mum too didnt mix as a child and didnt like to join in with things, but it has held her back in things and now as an adult she lacks confidence in certain situations. Its difficult to be sure. I certainly dont want to pressure anyone who is just shy.

[RudyDudy]

My niece is much younger (4) but she has some similar behaviours - like completely ignoring perfectly normal questions - and the general consensus is that she is shy and it is a defence mechanism. Though from an outsider's POV very frustrating as you feel pretty helpless talking to her sometimes and it does just come across as rude.

I just try to be patient with her (and hope that she isn't just being rude and making a complete mug of me ) and not make a big thing of it as the other thing is that it might be attention seeking.

[tatt]

my eldest won't always talk to adults. If they ignore her at first she will often talk to them later but she has to get used to you first. Lecturing her about being rude didn't help. Your niece may be a pain or she may just be bored of questions like how was school and want to be asked about soemthing else. I would not tolerate mine throwing a gift aside but if it was as unsuitable as some of the things she's been given I wouldn't expect an 8 year old to show much excitement either - a polite thank you but they haven't all learnt to lie nicley

[lydialemon]

I think it must be very difficult for someone with even an average amount of self confidence to get how it feels to be horribly, painfully shy, and that's an observation, not a critisism (sp?) My BF is very self confident, goes into a room and starts chatting to people, knows what to say etc and I can't understand how she does it at all (and I've tried!)

With DS1 I just try to give him space to feel comfortable at his own pace. We used to go to birthday parties and he'd spend the first 15 minutes sitting on my lap with his face in my chest, and I learnt that if I just ignored it, maybe occasionally point out what his friends were doing, he would gradually loosen up and join in. Now he's nearly 7 he hardly ever has problems with his peers (the first time he started playing with a strange kid in the park I nearly cried!) but he still finds it very hard with adults. I think (hope!) as he gets older it will get easier for him.

[SueW]

I wonder if she does get told about this but not publicly? Sometimes I will be upset that DD (7yo) doesn't say hello or respond to an adult question but I'd never enter into battle with her about it at the time, or tell her off publicly. However, I would tell her later that I was disappointed with the way she had behaved and maybe have a chat about how much nicer it is when people respond to your questions etc.

My cousin's daughter is just like her dad - she'll go up to kids in the park and say 'Hi my name's XXXX. What's yours?' and then launch into conversation 'Is this your sister? Are you here with a friend/your mum/dad/nanny?' 'Can I play with you?/Would you like to build sandcastle with me?' She's been this way since she could talk!

[GRMUM]

My dd was just like this pepsi - people used to tease her and say "didn't your mum put your batteries in today?" !! Now she's older (14) she can still be like this at times although on the whole she is better than she was. I used to get very upset about it, now i just accept it as part of her character. Like suew I never say anything in public but do mention it to her sometimes when we are alone. Neither me or dh are like this but my fil was so maybe its a familial thing!

[KangaMummy]

pepsi my middle nephew is like your neice.

It drives me mad he is 14 years, we have taken 3 nephews and DS to cinema and middle one will not react he just sits there you don't know whether he is bored excited or anything. He is not shy just rude his father is the same. If we spend a day with them he will not speak to us everyone else thinks he is wonderful because he is so quiet.

last christmas we gave them WHSmiths vouchers so they could get cds books videos dvds etc. and he just moaned and said he wanted money to buy some cds I was hopping mad.

He will not talk to DS either, I was giving a lift to my sister, and the two of them sat in the back and everytime DS tried to talk to him he just ignored him.

[pepsi]

Its a difficult one, I would say though that with other children she is fine, she played upstairs with everyone no problem. My ds adores her. At school she is a popular girl and tonight she is going to a drama class ...it was all her idea to go and she is really excited about it. When she was younger she ways always doing shows for us all so its hard to see that she is shy now but I think it probably is the case. Her younger sister is really ahead for her age and very bright and good and sport and games. I wonder if she feels a bit jealous and is scared that her sister will do better than her in front of her family and make her lookd bad.

[GRMUM]

Sounds like you've hit the nail on the head there pepsi.dd is also very sociable away from the family situation and I have often wondered if its to do with ds1 being described by everyone as 'a really great kid'. Which he is of course!! but so is she but in a different, less conventional way ,especially for females.I'm actually very proud of her (at times ) fiestyness. I don't think anyone will ever pull a fast one over her!