Help me to stop shouting (really shouting) at my children

(131 Posts)
chestnutblue Wed 23-Jan-13 10:23:51

I have three, ages 6, 4 and 1. I find I am very hard on 6yo son. He drives me crazy because he doesn't listen or do as he is told and is unkind to 4yo. I know he's only small and this is normal but it literally drives me crazy. I find myself screeching at him, utterly furious that once again he is not listening. Repeating myself endlessly is soul destroying.
How do you deal with this sort of behavious? (mine and his).
What coping techniques do you use?
Please help, I am a hideous mum who is making my lovely boy miserable.

defineme Sun 03-Feb-13 22:20:22

My dd gets rude in public. I used to sit and simmer with rage(utterly unable to face a public scene-I saved shouting for private) til we got home and then I'd shout like mad, but now I take her to one side and whisper very firmly in her ear that she needs to stop it right now or various things will not happen!

neolara Sun 03-Feb-13 22:20:23

Can I also recommend 123 Magic. It's very simple, yet very effective.

MaisyMoo123 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:38:53

Totally know what you mean about quietly simmering with rage defineme! I never want to cause a scene in public and usually manage to keep things under raps till we're behind closed doors and then I'll blow. I've yelled at my 2 in the car after leaving somewhere more times than I care to remember and none of the people we've been with would have a clue...so, lizzy I definitely know what you mean about appearing happy and laid back to outside world too - I think I pull that off as I rarely show anger towards my Dcs in the company of others - good in a way, but also makes me feel really guilty and like I'm "putting on a show" rather than being genuine, stable, "proper" mum!

sheeesh Sun 03-Feb-13 22:53:50

Agree and relate to so many of these posts and scenarios. And such a relief to know that I'm not alone.

This weekend consisted of some shouting, some fun and plenty of wanting to hide from the world as I felt drained by all of it.

I'm so grateful to read all the posts on here.

TreadOnTheCracks Mon 04-Feb-13 21:10:39

Blue carrot - thanks for your reply. I have made up my mind that silence is better and oddly enough no potty mouth today ! Perhaps he has sensed I am more relaxed.

Potty mouth from DS happens anytime he is not getting his own way. Especially in the mornings when we are rushing.

I agree with all the great advice abut being prepared, I have clothes laid out etc the night before. We race against a timer. I am up at 6.15 and go down to get breakfast laid out and lunch boxes packed. Get the DCs up at 7 - we have 1 hr 25 minuites before we leave the house but still find ourselves rushing. DS is just so obstinate! Today I left him upstairs in his PJs gave him a shout when breakfast was ready and he did ok. Again - I need to relax. I just don't like not having any contingency time! I was fully prepared in my mind to go up with a carrier bag and take him to school in his PJs too!

I have been giving it some thought since reading this fab thread and I think he knows the family rule is that we speak politely to others, so if he breaks that when we are out we go straight home/leave the shop with no treats etc. I dare say I will only need to follow through on that once or twice and he'll get the message. If he is speaking like that to his sister I will take him to another room.

TreadOnTheCracks Mon 04-Feb-13 21:17:20

MaisyMoo - here's hoping we're both through this potty mouth stage soon. I'm quite sure our dc will be fabulous teenagers as once we have gone through this they will have it all out of their systems and are bound to be perfect from then on grin

MaisyMoo123 Tue 05-Feb-13 22:28:21

Oooh Treadon - I'm loving the thought of a perfect teenage phase! We can but dream hey!!

I got very cross with ds when he decided he was wide awake and "not tired anymore" at 4.45 this morning hmm. He had woken dd up asking her to read to him and then started screaming when i put him back to bed. I managed to keep my cool for a bit but ended up "whisper shouting" (have you done that?) at him when he just refused to settle. Mention of not getting pasta for his jar did the trick in the end - magic! I went back to bed feeling like I'd not dealt with it as well as I might've and didn't manage to get back to sleep.

TreadOnTheCracks Wed 06-Feb-13 06:44:03

Sounds like you've learnt from it though Maisy?

Hope you've had a good nights sleep today.

TreadOnTheCracks Wed 06-Feb-13 18:50:33

Not done too well today. Found it hard to ignore DS yelling potty mouth insults at his sister in the back of the car as I was driving. Ho hum.

chestnutblue Thu 07-Feb-13 17:15:19

Hello all

I've been doing ok but struggled yesterday and today was shouting. Can 'see' myself ridiculous behaviour but can't seem to get out when I'm in it.

On the plus side, the pasta pot is proving to be a powerful tool. And I like the ahaparenting daily advice articles. They're just the right length to read in 2 mins.

I hope you're all doing well.

MaisyMoo123 Thu 07-Feb-13 18:13:52

Good to hear you're doing ok Chestnut. It's definitely an up and down journey we're on though! I'm sure we can all sympathise! I know exactly what you mean about knowing its wrong but not being able to get out of it when you're in the moment - its so hard when the rage descends. It's all about finding coping/distraction strategies I guess.

I agree that the pasta jar is a very useful tool. My 2 seem really motivated by it and we haven't even bottomed out what "treat" they will earn at the end of it!

Treadon - dealing with bad behaviour in the car is always tricky. I have got cross in that situation so many times!

Things have been ok here. No real shouting though did get quietly cross with dd this morning. It blew over very quickly though unlike my usual episodes which make us all miserable and a hundred times worse!

chestnutblue Thu 07-Feb-13 19:29:37

This one came in today from the parenting site. It's short and really worth a read.

It's called 10 Tips to Stop Yelling...

www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=102662&A=SearchResult&SearchID=6157968&ObjectID=102662&ObjectType=55

chestnutblue Thu 07-Feb-13 19:30:20
TreadOnTheCracks Thu 07-Feb-13 21:16:26

I like this too (may have got it from a link upthread?)

www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/25-ways-talk-so-children-will-listen

kittycatyot Thu 07-Feb-13 21:42:26

Could you get them to help lay their clothes out for the next day? I find they feel a sense of pride and get dressed easier and quicker. Also if they ready sooner they could have their favourite breakfast. My children make their own lunch the night before (with my supervision) cause my son ate more that way so i find getting them involved in the whole prep the night before helps. As for shouting i think EVERY MUM alive has felt guilty about shouting at her children or saying something they're not proud of!!!!

MaisyMoo123 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:20:24

Thanks for sharing those links Chestnut and Treadon - both really helpful and just what I needed today after a bit of a stressful morning and a slightly raised voice hmm

chestnutblue Fri 08-Feb-13 14:14:01

Yes thanks Tread, that's a good one. And thanks for the tips kitty.

I ended up putting the kids in the car - after over an hour in the park where my 4yo cried pretty much constantly - and sat on a bench where I could see them but couldn't hear her. It was just 2mins but I didn't lose it - and I was about to - and they were in silence when I returned.

I hope your day improves Maisy.

MaisyMoo123 Mon 11-Feb-13 17:12:55

Hello! How's everyone doing? Hope things are going ok and you're all managing to find ways to stop yourselves yelling.

Things are going ok here. There have been moments, don't get me wrong! But generally things have been loads better. I gave myself a very serious talking to and told myself to grow up, that my shouting and outbursts were destructive and so counter-productive and that I owe it to my Dcs to sort it out. It ended up being almost like a bit of a mantra that I repeat and weirdly it seems to be helping. It was like a real turning point. I'm also trying to be less uptight and to let the little, insignificant things go a bit more which means that I feel less like I'm constantly nagging and makes me less likely to blow. I keep reminding myself they're only young and that I should be kinder to them.

I'm approaching that time of the month now though so I'm crossing my fingers that it doesn't all come crashing down. I'm definitely more inclined to be irrational and angry at this point. I'm going to have to dig very deep I think, but I am determined!

helsbels03 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:18:35

Any tips for when dh is a shouter too??? I am terrible, and seeing the consequences not only in dd1 who has turned into an absolute monster, but also dh. I am getting to the point when I shout at him to calm down for talking to her in exactly the same way I do- its creating a horrible atmosphere.

TreadOnTheCracks Tue 12-Feb-13 19:22:20

hels Did you take a look at these?

www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=102662&A=SearchResult&SearchID=6157968&ObjectID=102662&ObjectType=55

Does you DH agree the shouting needs to stop?

MaisyMoo123 Tue 12-Feb-13 20:24:01

Poor you Hels. That's a really tough one! I'm lucky in that Dh is definitely not a shouter and has made it very clear that he disapproves - and that's part of my motivation to sort myself out. I can see how with 2 of you shouting the habit is going to be harder to break as you probably egg each other on. Have you spoken openly about it and as Tread says, does he want to stop shouting too? I'm sure you can find a way through!

helsbels03 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:21:59

Have signed up for the daily emails- hopefully they will come through before we get up for school so will help with mornings- we are at the point where none of our dc3 listen until we shout, I admit the problem is ours but he finds it difficult, still thinks that they should do as he says instantly but truth is they have had at least 3 years of hearing us arguing which we have worked through now, but still, to model their behaviour on. Will def hold a family meeting tomorrow after parents evening should be a good time as all are perfect at school-

On a good note tho- I managed to stay calm at bedtime even tho dd2 was trying her best delaying tactics and woke ds up, also had some snuggle time with dd1.( as had been particularly shouty to her this morning). The link about every shout hardening her heart to me was all I could think of, kept me calm tho, and dd1 liked the fact I apologised.

helsbels03 Wed 13-Feb-13 07:33:44

I just had to post this miracle that happened just now- I said to dd2, when you're ready get dressed and come down for breakfast... And within 5 mins she was dressed and sat waiting!!!!!! This is usually a 30 min job as she has to change every item if clothing I have put out for something else (she has school uniform so not that much choice but is usually enough to send me twirling!) sorry I can't find who posted this suggestion but thankuou for the tip xx

flowerandrandd Wed 13-Feb-13 10:11:04

Read divas vs dictators. I hate these kind of books but I couldn't recommend it more, my dd2 is a nightmare, I'm having a particularly difficult time with her but honestly this books helps your sanity and amazingly works immediately, it is uk author o no cheesy hug it out crap either x

MaisyMoo123 Thu 14-Feb-13 13:00:02

That's brilliant Hels! I've tried that with my 2 but doesn't seem to have quite such a miraculous effect! Long may it continue to work for you though!!

Hope everyone else is doing ok and making some progress too?

Not so positive here over the past couple of days hmm. After doing so well and really feeling like I was getting somewhere the flipping hormones have kicked in and I feel like I've gone backwards. Its so disappointing. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was last month (so far anyway!) which is some consolation - I feel less irrational and completely brimming with rage - more snappy and short-tempered. Hopefully the various supplements I've been taking are doing some good and I won't sink as low as I did last month!

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