DD(5) CANNOT follow instructions, rude and grumpy. Please tell me I am not alone!

[PointlessCow]

DD is 5. She started Reception in September.

She may or may not have learning difficulties related to a diagnosed medical condition, we're waiting and seeing on that one. It may or may not be relevant.

We are really struggling with her behaviour at the moment. Well, me in particular, as I have a shorter fuse than DH and DD saves her very worst behaviour for me.

Every morning is the same old story: 'Can you get your shoes on please?', 'Please DD, can you go and find your shoes?', 'DD, shoes please!', 'DD, here are your shoes. Will you put them on please?', 'DD, shoes!', 'SHOES!' ad infinitum. You get the picture.

She seems utterly incapable of following instructions and as I understand it, this could be a result of a LD, which is why I feel so awful going on and on and on and on about getting dressed, getting undressed, eating breakfast, staying at the table, leaving her sister alone etc. etc.

I try to give simple instructions as I know she would struggle to understand a whole ream of 'do this, do that'. I try to remove distractions her sister, but I swear she could find something to distract her in a plain white sealed cell.

I am miserable. She is miserable. Our mornings are traumatic. She is grumpy and uncommunicative when she gets up. She is grumpy and uncommunicative when she comes home from school. I KNOW she is exhausted. Continually exhausted. We need to slow down some and get her into bed earlier. We spend most of our weekends doing stuff. But just family and friends stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary: shops, birthday party, Grandma's for tea etc. I haven't started her with any swimming, dancing or whatever because I know she is knackered. She is usually in bed by 7:00-7:30 but is up by 6 every single bloody morning without fail. Occasionally I try to squeeze in a nap over the weekend (DD naps, not me. I should be so sodding lucky) and she is like a different child when she wakes up.

She is sunny, and kind, and funny and charming, but by God she is bloody awful too. Please tell me I am not alone.

It is so true that you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child and our house is a pretty unpleasant moany, whingy, shouty place to be at the moment.

Any tips?

[PointlessCow]

sorry, should be her sister

[Ineedpigsinblankets]

You need a visual timetable Pointless

You can make your own using photos of what you want her to do , eg. clothes for get dressed, tooth brush for teeth cleaning, shoes for shoes on etc.

Buy a piece of felt, some velcro and an envelope. Put velcro on the back of the pictures and stick them on the felt before you go to bed.

In the morning show her the timetable, when she does each step she puts it in the envelope. All you say is "Look at your timetable" ad infinitum

It may take a while but when I introduced ours to Dd3 she was completely unable to get ready for school and within a month she was doing it independently. We use words instead of pictures because Dd3 can read but my Dd1 uses pics with DGD and it works really well.

Good luck

[PointlessCow]

That's a good idea, Pigs.

I did buy her a small blackboard which I have written the days of the week on. I then do terrible drawing of any activities we have during the week. I did that as she does struggle with time in general - when is tomorrow? Is that after dinner or after my sleep?

I do already have some felt knocking around somewhere. She might like that ideas

[Ineedpigsinblankets]

Let her help take the photos pointless then she might take ownership of it which will help her to get on board.

When I started it with Dd3 I thought she would be resistant, she has ASD and doesnt like new things but she loves her timetable and the fact that she is independent.

I love it because so long as I remember to put the pieces on I dont really have to do much in the morning any more.

We have adapted it slightly for holidays and weekends to

[StarOfLightMcKings3]

Come and join us on the SN Children section. Posteers there have LOADS of ideas about how to do these things.

But for the moment, imagine you were learning a new language and someone was hurling an instruction at you with urgency and you were trying to figure out the meaning, to be met with imaptience and the hurling of another demand that seemed to contain the same words but in a different order, or did it. You'd probaby shut down.

Choose a way/sentence of slowly delivering an instruction. Give time for processing (what you'd think and then double it) and if you need to repeat, do it EXACTLY the same way as the first time.

[PoppyWearer]

OP, my DD started school in September too. She is exactly as you describe but AFAIK no learning difficulties, and if so very mild.

I'm putting it down to exhaustion. We try to do the bare minimum at weekends. Good luck!

[Ineedpigsinblankets]

Yay, to the laminator

I didnt want to say that earlier in case it put you off but they are worth every penny and the sheets are really cheap now

Also agree with star about coming over to the SN childrens board it is really friendly

End of term itis is a big problem in my house too and thats just for me

[PointlessCow]

Oh heck, the laminator suggestion has got me really excited, so to speak

McKings, I know you are right. And I feel awful about putting so much pressure on her. It must be terrible to be harangued so constantly

Every evening I think 'right, tomorrow will be better'. And if tomorrow is a Saturday, then things are sometimes better. But I have to find coping strategies for when I'm at the end of my tether. I know it's not her fault. Poor little soul. Nothing, NOTHING, has ever come easy for her and it bloody breaks my heart.

[BlueyDragon]

Pointless, my DD (year 1, nearly 6) is exactly the same and she does not have any SN or LD as far as I'm aware, so there may not be a relationship between this behaviour and any SN/LD. DD just needs asking repeatedly to do things I want her to do (your description of the shoes conversation struck a chord). DS (2.75) is well into the "No" phase of terrible twos and the combination is very very taxing. DD will happily get on with something if she wants to do it or on her terms - in her case that usually involves some sort of imaginary play. I think there are some children who just don't listen fervently hope I'm not alone. She listens at school, apparently.

[FriggFRIGG]

Oh yes.
I know this.
DD is 4,started reception in September, (she probably has high functioning Aspergers and is 'In The System' )

Anyhoo,she is mostly a freaking nightmare whingy,Doesnt follow intructions,has melt downs over the slightest things...

Oh and she ripped the 'visual chart' into pieces when I pointed her at it for the 78th time one morning....

[FlouryWhiteBaps]

We are the in the same boat with dd3, who is 4 and in reception. She has no LD but is selectively deaf and the most stubborn child I've ever met. Mornings are very stressful here too, and I've come to the conclusion it's easier for me to just dress her from top to toe for now to save on stress. She also loves dd1 (8) to help her get ready which is fine by me!

I have never heard the saying 'You're only as happy as your unhappiest child before' but it really struck a chord with me. We have been having some terrible times in the household recently and it got to the point the other week when DH was so stressed with yet another shitty bedtime scenario that he said to me he wished we had never had her . He doesn't feel like that really obviously, just the stress and tension boils over and awful thoughts pop up.

Hope things improve soon, I'm just praying with ours it's down to exhaustion and she'll improve in time. Good luck.

[PointlessCow]

Oh, floury, that sounds so sad. I know exactly the feeling. I have had terrible thoughts and only just managed to keep them to myself. The guilt is terrible though

I have always wanted more than 2 DC, but the way things are recently have made me, for the very first time, question whether I am cut out for it. We are meant to be TTC no.3 after Christmas...

[steppemum]

my dd is the same and has no LD. I think it is the result of starting reception. Dd is dc3 and they were all they same in the first 6 months of reception.

They are good and listening and following instructions all day and just can't do it all the time at home as well.
They are discovering they are a bit more independent of Mum, so they are trying it out.
They are knackered. They have been focussing and working hard all term and they are little, and they are really tired.

DD does absolutely nothing on her own. Last summer while at pre-school she could get her shoes and put them on and find her coat etc etc.
Now she only does anything with 'help' So 'dd go and put your shoes on' gets no response. Dd (takes hand and walks to hall) lets get your shoes on. She sits on stairs and I put them on. On a bad day she is a limpet and I really struggle.

It is a bit of reversion to a younger stage, I get her dressed, do her teeth, wash her face etc. Because I have been here before and I know it doesn't last, I just go with the flow and do it for her. I guarantee that by the end of reception she will have rediscovered the ability to do as asked. In the meantime grit teeth.

[steppemum]

also, I have discovered (and it has taken me 3 dcs to discover this) that the answer to the morning meltdown is often a hug.
I stop what we are doing and give her a hug and a cuddle. It only needs to be for 1 minute and however late we are 1 minute cuddle is quicker than the nag nag nag. The hug calms her down and then I calm down and then I say in a much nicer voice, 'lets do your shoes' and I put her shoes on, and she is suddenly much much more co-operative, becaus eof the hug.

I think she really misses home time, school takes up too much space.

[FlouryWhiteBaps]

Actually Steppemum is bang on the money. Dd3 also seems to have regressed from last year when she was much more self sufficient; the difference is for me that my other two DC seemed to cope much better with starting school so this is all a bit for us. Agree that often a big hug soothes both parties.

Pointless I really feel for you, I have had mornings where I've come away from school drop off and sobbed because I've felt so shit at the way I've handled things. Both DH and I love dd3 desperately, but I think having three DC has really pushed us to breaking point sometimes (in our ability to cope, not as a couple). It doesn't help that we had all three in rapid succession (three DC in 3yrs10m) so it's been relentless.

How does your DH/P cope with it all; is he supportive?

[PointlessCow]

Steppemum, you speak an awful lot of sense. Thanks for the perspective and hug advice.

floury, I am in awe of your 3 under 4. DD2 is 22 months so self sufficient (moreso than DD1 at times). DD1 was late to do everything, but has generally got there in the end, so I am perhaps expecting too much of her. This morning was a much better kettle of fish. We made sure both were dressed before going downstairs and I put DD1's shoes on for her without comment! Far less stressful.

DH is great. Far less impatient than me. The only issue is that he tends to be good cop to my bad cop, meaning the I get all the shit jobs of parenting (reading practice, teeth brushing, eating veg etc.) while he gets the good jobs (chocolate, ice-cream, tickling before bedtime etc.). I suspect we're not so unusual in that respect but I do think it explains why I am often on the receiving end of DD's worst behaviour. DH and I had a serious chat about that yesterday!

I have also just stopped feeding DD2 too, and I am wondering whether I am having a bit of a hormone drop/surge as the red mist has been descending more regularly lately. Must take some EPO or something.

[steppemum]

pointless, just to reassure you, thye have their worst behaviour with those they feel safest with, so it is a backhanded compliment that she saves her worst behaviour for you!

[carolinecordery]

I just wanted to add my DD (4.5) is being the same and is home educated so it's not necessarily a direct result of starting school, maybe just age-related, although I can see how tiredness from school would make it worse.