Is this likely to be 'sexual' or not (11 year old boy) and what shall I do??

(44 Posts)
NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:05:37

DD went to a sleepover party. she is a sensible, quite old fashioned almost 11 YO.
One boy went. The others were girls.
The boy has just turned 11.
He has a crush on DD.
She woke up to find he had been sleeping on the bed next to her (supposedly because the others swapped beds while DD was asleep an there was no where else for him to go.)
She got a real shock when she woke up and really felt that her privacy had been invaded.

He and the host were spreading this info around the playground (ie that they were in the same bed sad) so the class teacher has now been involved. (Teachers have been very supportive of dd.)

I don't know much about 11 year old boys. Is his motivation likely to have been remotely sexual, at this age? What you you do (if anything)? His parents don't know, btw.

Am trying to stick to the facts but am actually really upset about this.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:16:04

anyone?

achillea Fri 09-Nov-12 14:19:26

Has she told you all the details - 'privacy' is a subjective term. It is probably up to you to decide, based on what she has told you, whether it was inappropriate.

Frontpaw Fri 09-Nov-12 14:19:49

Had there been any physical contact of any type? On or in the bed?

I'm not really up on 11 year olds but in my day it would have been innocent enough.

How's your DS?

Frontpaw Fri 09-Nov-12 14:19:59

DD not DS.

CindySherman Fri 09-Nov-12 14:21:25

When she woke up did she feel like there had been any physical contact?

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 09-Nov-12 14:22:03

I would expect the school to have informed his parents about the bullying in the playground (because it is bullying, 'crush' or not) and the circumstances leading up to it.

How can his parents address his inappropriate behaviour if they don't know about it?

I'm also surprised at a mixed sleepover at the age of 11.

Poledra Fri 09-Nov-12 14:22:56

Well, at 11 yo, I would not have non-family children sharing a room - did you know this was going to happen before the sleep-over?

I don't know that his motivation would have been sexual, if he was sleeping on the bed rather than in it iyswim, but he would certainly have known that his behaviour would make her feel uncomfortable. If he felt that nothing untoward had occured, he wouldn't have spread it all round the playground would he?

I would be preventing your DD from going to sleepovers at the host's house, because her behaviour shows that she is not a friend of your DD, and asking the school to escalate this as bullying, not the he had to sleep next to her as there was nowhere else to sleep which may theoretically be true, but because of the playground info spreading.

Focus on getting your DD to see that this is poor behaviour on their part and to focus her friendship on other friends.

as an aside, have you / your daughter spoken to any of the other friends who swapped beds that night - was it the host's idea for a "laugh" at your daughter's expense? I suspect that the host is involved in this more than she may seem, which would reduce the chance of a sexual motive but increase the chance of a malicious one.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:26:38

I guess she just had a real sense of her personal space being encroached upon. She is was upset at the time as she felt let down by her friends as they allowed him to get so close to her while she was asleep, even though they know he displays a lot of unwanted attention towards her.

she is still upset as this boy is rather obsessed with her, but deals with her lack of interest in him by being vile to her on a daily basis. The school teachers have noticed how he is towards her and are monitoring it closely.

i didnt want to give too much detail in the OP as i felt the need to explore his behaviour on the sleepover as an isolated incident. to try to be objective, i guess.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 09-Nov-12 14:32:48

It does seem more of a bullying issue than anything else. Which is horrible for your DD and does need to be clamped down on by the school.

It sounds like the host was setting him up or almost baiting him for a laugh at your daughter's expense.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:37:15

sorry, very slow typing.

everyone her is speaking so much sense. thanks.

2 teachers have been involved.

ok... dont want to drip feed (as i really just wanted feedback about the bed episode) but there was also an issue about him having pics of DD on his ipod thingy against her wishes.

i only found out about the extent of the sleepover incident as i went to school to talk about the pics! teachers have spoken to the 'host' family, but only to me because i went in to see them about the pics!! they havent spoken to the boy's family at all, saying its so difficult when things occur out of school... The teachers have been great with dd but obviously it's a bit of a blunder to say the least not to have called me in immediately. but, as theyve been so kind, i dont want to focus on that angle.

how do i 'encourage' the school to raise the issue with the boy's family? or is it down to me to do that? the hots havent contacted me either...

agree that separate rooms should have been provided.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:38:40

'hosts', not hots!

TheEnthusiasticTroll Fri 09-Nov-12 14:41:32

I think that is projecting boundaries of an older child on an 11 year old. I doubt very much he would have known it would have known it would make her feel uncomfortable at 11 years old, firoverbabylon, Particularly if they all swapped beds and he was left to sleep on her bed.

I m not sure it is malicious or sexual to be honest. My instinct would be that this may have been orchestrated by the other girls but more with the intent of teasing rather than anything more sinister,mor it was a purely innocent circumstance.

I must say if my child at 11 was invited to a sleep over at 11, male or female and where likely to be naturally uncomfortable with the presence of the opposite sex, I think I may have made a per judgement and made the decision not to send them. Surely you knew her temperament, ie quite old fashioned makes me think you have a good grasp of where she is surrounding this kind of stuff.

Maybe your dds attitude is slightly more grown up and aware than the others and that is what is alarming you. I tend to find the situation quite innocent, nothing suggests the boy victimised your dd at the time.

I suspect he has gone along with the playground stuff to save face and he is as much the victim of the subsequent bullying as your dd is.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 09-Nov-12 14:41:59

The school should be informing the boy's family about the bullying incidents in school, if nothing else. How can they work with the school and their DS if they are unaware?

Your DD needs to keep away from this boy outside of school, if the iPod pics were taken outside. He shouldn't have access to photographic equipment in school at all. His behaviour is inappropriate.

PropositionJoe Fri 09-Nov-12 14:42:02

Highly highly unlikely to have been sexual in any way (my sons are 11 and 13). Still an unpleasant situation, but only the same as if it were a girl that were obsessed with her.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:43:04

fire and beer, have re read your posts and you are spot on. it is bullying. and that is the school's 'department'. i will think carefully about how to respond.

Chandon Fri 09-Nov-12 14:46:07

As a mother of a 10 yo boy, I would say it was " romantic" rather than sexual.

Boys that age are often a bit tough and cool around their male friends. But secretly soppy about girls they like.

My son has a crush on a girl, and I know he would like to stroke her hair. He won't I am sure. We had a few chats about appropriate behaviour and respect towards girls.

In my DS case, he is still very much a little boy with a big crush and nothing sinsister. Not saying that that would be the case for all boys, I guess...

If my son would be telling his mates about sharing a bed, I would have a serious chat with him about what he means and what he thinks he is doing!

TheEnthusiasticTroll Fri 09-Nov-12 14:47:06

It's difficult to understand the context or contents of these pictures. Could it be that dd thinks something wrong has occurred and is spooked and so is saying that the pictures where taken without her consent. What are the pictures of?

BalloonSlayer Fri 09-Nov-12 14:49:25

The thing that strikes me is that if my DD came home saying "X slept on the same bed as me and I feel uncomfortable about it," once I had ascertained that no physical contact had taken place I would have reassured her that nothing was meant by it and felt personally that there was no sexual context to this, and thought little more of it.

HOWEVER if X and the party host were then "spreading this info around the playground (ie that they were in the same bed " I would interpret this as X and the host seeing that there IS a sexual context to this incident - or, more accurately - trying to attach a sexual context to it at my daughters expense, at which my klaxon would go off and I would be on the Express train to PissedOffVille, calling at HeadTeacher's Office, X's parents and Host's Parents.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:49:33

enthusiastic troll, two points. it was a massive error of judgement on my part to let her go. i accept that and am furious with myself.

secondly, i absolutely know that he initiating this and not following the others or saving face, as you suggest may be the case. dd's version of events has been supported by 2 teachers and a TA who observe his behaviour towards her at school.

(oh and my dd is very emotionally and physically mature for her age, but is no more sexually aware than the average 10 yo.)

Suzieismyname Fri 09-Nov-12 14:51:18

All children are different. My niece was attacked by her neighbour's boy when they were both 10. He pulled down her pants and was trying to 'hump' her. Fortunately my sister got there as soon as she started screaming (kids were upstairs).

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:52:55

balloon, my reaction was just like yours! it occurred in 2 stages, but i havent done the storming bit. yet.

the pics were 'harmless' pics from the party but he was using them as his background against her wishes and just added to her feely of being 'obsessed over'.

Viviennemary Fri 09-Nov-12 14:53:32

I thought mixed sex sleepovers were a total 'no-no'. It really isn't a good idea at all.

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