I feel so lonely being a mother(27 Posts)
I am new here, I have not had the time to post up anything on forums like this since my son was born. He is three years old now and I am feeling so lonely, I am sitting here at 2am just feeling sick with worry that this is all life has to offer for me. I needed to vent this in a place where I know that people will understand how I feel. Here goes......(btw this is the first time I have ever told anyone this apart from my partner)
I am 30 years old (reluctantly divulging that info) I run a small copywriting and online media company from home, well when I can. Most of the time I am dealing with tantrums and other stuff related to kids of my sons age. I did not plan on having any kids at all actually. I got pregnant when on the pill, I have a degree in politics and philosophy and a masters in International journalism. I am very hard working, and I love to achieve new things, and hit targets. I have always been this way, I have lists all over my house of things that I need to get done.
When I had my son it was really traumatic, I had an emergency c section. I was by myself, my partner did not get there on time, and so I ended up suffering all that by myself. I dealt with it pretty well actually, the first year of my sons life were pretty good. I actually enjoyed being a mum, I used to ask people what all the fuss was about. I managed to work from home with no problems at all, take my son to baby group and everything was just simple. My partner was not very helpful actually, I did everything on my own with the help of my mum and dad. When my son was five months old I took him and ran away to my parents house. Because my partner was just being a nightmare, I started to feel like I was better off without him.
I lived at my parents house for about eight months, it was great. I had no issues with my son at all, it was so easy. Then when my son was about 20 months it went down hill. I started to hate being a mother, he became such hard work. Really clingy and just a nightmare to take care of. I put him daycare for about 3 months but he hated it. I had to take him out, I found I could no longer do my work anymore. I ended up stopping my business for a few months. I was broke, and had to rely on my savings to get my by for a while. My partner came back into my life when my son was about 13 months old, and he was still really unhelpful. Eventually I just sat down with him and said, listen we don't live together but you have to pull your socks up! He did, and now he is a lot more helpful. However, I still feel like a single mum, I am so lonely, bored, fed up and I don't enjoy being a mother at all.
In fact I feel like I have totally made the wrong decision in having a child. I love to work, and earn my own money. However, since my son turned 20 months I have not been able to do much work at all. He started nursery a couple of weeks ago, but he hated it. He told the teachers he hated it, and said there were too many kids in the class. Which was pretty much the case, so I pulled him out of nursery. He will be starting a private primary school next year. He seems to need more attention than other kids, they said he is gifted at the last nursery. He needs a lot of attention from the teacher, so a state school just is not an option.
To backtrack, when my son was four months old, I wrote a children's book. The book got published, and so I am a published author. Because of this achievement, everyone thinks I am some perfect specimen. They say wow! You managed to write a book when your son was still a baby, that is amazing!!!! They think, you must be a supermum. I am far from it, some days I actually can't even be bothered to cook dinner. Some nights we sit and nibble on sandwiches because I really cannot face standing in front of the stove cooking up a gourmet meal. I am a pretty good cook, so my son has become accustomed to Gordon Ramsay style dinners.
Anyway, my days consist of taking my son to library sessions where they have story time and play groups. I actually hate these sessions with a passion, I really don't enjoy them at all. I think it is because I enjoy intellectual stimulation, and most of the mothers there just talk about their kids. Sometimes I don't want to talk about children, all my pre-baby friends have just buggered off somewhere. I don't talk to them anymore, they don't have kids so they just kind of slowly stopped texting and calling me.
I have read a lot about the feelings I am having, and people have said it is post natal depression. I actually do not think I am depressed at all, I think I just do not enjoy the day to day task of being a mother. I find it exhausting, lonely, sometimes annoying, soul destroying and just simply, not me. I feel like I wasn't built for this at all. One of my main issues is feeling lonely, I have tried making new friends but no one ever seems to keep in touch. We are friends for a few months and then people get busy with the business of life and just kind of stop returning your texts and calls. When I see those former friends, they just say they have been busy. Which I can fully understand, so for this reason I have found it hard to make other mummy friends. I am pretty much isolated, I do go to all the groups and stuff but I just find myself sitting there thinking of something else.
I ended up finding comfort in another man, no I did not have an affair. I just became really close friends with one of my partners relatives. He seems to have a calming influence on me. When I speak to my partner about my feelings he says, well then why did I get with someone who doesn't want to be a mother. I always tell him, it is not that I don't want to be a mother. The problem I am having is adjusting to this life. I used to be such a social and active person, now I feel like I am trapped, suffocated. I feel like someone literally threw me into a huge pool of water, then covered it up so I couldn't get out. I feel like I am under water with no way of getting out of that water. Like I am drowning, being pushed further and further.
People keep telling me it is going to get easier at some point. However, I feel like it is just getting worse. It was easy when my son was a baby, I loved it! Now he is a toddler, I hate it! Every day I wake up, and I pray that today is the day I am going to love being a mother. My son hugs me, I feel a slight warmth and a surge of life. Then by 9:30 am that warm feeling goes, the feeling is replaced with anger, guilt, fear, frustration and every other negative emotion. I feel like leaving my house in the dead of night, and running, running, running, running, running and never looking back. I have fantasies about putting my shoes on, taking my handbag and leaving. Taking the first flight out of here to wherever possible. Never looking back, running to meet my former self. The happy, confident, funny, often sarcastic midget girl who was destined to be something great.
Now I just feel like a shadow of my former self. I am thinking about writing a book about this, maybe a few people will be able to relate.
Thank you for reading, I know it is a really long post but I just had to vent. I needed some method of release. I have done it now, I feel 10 pounds lighter! Thank you once again, I would love to get to know some of the mums on here, because right now I actually have no friends!!!
Cory that's a very good post.
TBH it sounds to me like you need to alter your targets to be more easily achievable for a bit - having lists all over the house isn't a great way to live as it implies you've not got enough time to do the thingson them. I suggest you work out what the "something great" is and then make a plan to achieve it. Then maybe you can relax when you're with your son and enjoy your time more - and don;t feel guilty about beans on toast. You also sound like you need a break - can you get babysitting from family so you can go out?
However I also agree with wHat Journey said to be honest.I have sympathy for you but the way you write about yourself I honestly did consider if you were not serious as you sound slike you are practising for your book already. WHy are you presuming people at toddler groups just want to talk about babies - it's just an ice breaker and sensible one at that given the venue? Maybe if you eased up on the "I have a degree and a masters and my child is going to a special school for gifted children and I am a fab cook and destined for great things" angle people would feel more at ease with you?