I feel so lonely being a mother(27 Posts)
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I am new here, I have not had the time to post up anything on forums like this since my son was born. He is three years old now and I am feeling so lonely, I am sitting here at 2am just feeling sick with worry that this is all life has to offer for me. I needed to vent this in a place where I know that people will understand how I feel. Here goes......(btw this is the first time I have ever told anyone this apart from my partner)
I am 30 years old (reluctantly divulging that info) I run a small copywriting and online media company from home, well when I can. Most of the time I am dealing with tantrums and other stuff related to kids of my sons age. I did not plan on having any kids at all actually. I got pregnant when on the pill, I have a degree in politics and philosophy and a masters in International journalism. I am very hard working, and I love to achieve new things, and hit targets. I have always been this way, I have lists all over my house of things that I need to get done.
When I had my son it was really traumatic, I had an emergency c section. I was by myself, my partner did not get there on time, and so I ended up suffering all that by myself. I dealt with it pretty well actually, the first year of my sons life were pretty good. I actually enjoyed being a mum, I used to ask people what all the fuss was about. I managed to work from home with no problems at all, take my son to baby group and everything was just simple. My partner was not very helpful actually, I did everything on my own with the help of my mum and dad. When my son was five months old I took him and ran away to my parents house. Because my partner was just being a nightmare, I started to feel like I was better off without him.
I lived at my parents house for about eight months, it was great. I had no issues with my son at all, it was so easy. Then when my son was about 20 months it went down hill. I started to hate being a mother, he became such hard work. Really clingy and just a nightmare to take care of. I put him daycare for about 3 months but he hated it. I had to take him out, I found I could no longer do my work anymore. I ended up stopping my business for a few months. I was broke, and had to rely on my savings to get my by for a while. My partner came back into my life when my son was about 13 months old, and he was still really unhelpful. Eventually I just sat down with him and said, listen we don't live together but you have to pull your socks up! He did, and now he is a lot more helpful. However, I still feel like a single mum, I am so lonely, bored, fed up and I don't enjoy being a mother at all.
In fact I feel like I have totally made the wrong decision in having a child. I love to work, and earn my own money. However, since my son turned 20 months I have not been able to do much work at all. He started nursery a couple of weeks ago, but he hated it. He told the teachers he hated it, and said there were too many kids in the class. Which was pretty much the case, so I pulled him out of nursery. He will be starting a private primary school next year. He seems to need more attention than other kids, they said he is gifted at the last nursery. He needs a lot of attention from the teacher, so a state school just is not an option.
To backtrack, when my son was four months old, I wrote a children's book. The book got published, and so I am a published author. Because of this achievement, everyone thinks I am some perfect specimen. They say wow! You managed to write a book when your son was still a baby, that is amazing!!!! They think, you must be a supermum. I am far from it, some days I actually can't even be bothered to cook dinner. Some nights we sit and nibble on sandwiches because I really cannot face standing in front of the stove cooking up a gourmet meal. I am a pretty good cook, so my son has become accustomed to Gordon Ramsay style dinners.
Anyway, my days consist of taking my son to library sessions where they have story time and play groups. I actually hate these sessions with a passion, I really don't enjoy them at all. I think it is because I enjoy intellectual stimulation, and most of the mothers there just talk about their kids. Sometimes I don't want to talk about children, all my pre-baby friends have just buggered off somewhere. I don't talk to them anymore, they don't have kids so they just kind of slowly stopped texting and calling me.
I have read a lot about the feelings I am having, and people have said it is post natal depression. I actually do not think I am depressed at all, I think I just do not enjoy the day to day task of being a mother. I find it exhausting, lonely, sometimes annoying, soul destroying and just simply, not me. I feel like I wasn't built for this at all. One of my main issues is feeling lonely, I have tried making new friends but no one ever seems to keep in touch. We are friends for a few months and then people get busy with the business of life and just kind of stop returning your texts and calls. When I see those former friends, they just say they have been busy. Which I can fully understand, so for this reason I have found it hard to make other mummy friends. I am pretty much isolated, I do go to all the groups and stuff but I just find myself sitting there thinking of something else.
I ended up finding comfort in another man, no I did not have an affair. I just became really close friends with one of my partners relatives. He seems to have a calming influence on me. When I speak to my partner about my feelings he says, well then why did I get with someone who doesn't want to be a mother. I always tell him, it is not that I don't want to be a mother. The problem I am having is adjusting to this life. I used to be such a social and active person, now I feel like I am trapped, suffocated. I feel like someone literally threw me into a huge pool of water, then covered it up so I couldn't get out. I feel like I am under water with no way of getting out of that water. Like I am drowning, being pushed further and further.
People keep telling me it is going to get easier at some point. However, I feel like it is just getting worse. It was easy when my son was a baby, I loved it! Now he is a toddler, I hate it! Every day I wake up, and I pray that today is the day I am going to love being a mother. My son hugs me, I feel a slight warmth and a surge of life. Then by 9:30 am that warm feeling goes, the feeling is replaced with anger, guilt, fear, frustration and every other negative emotion. I feel like leaving my house in the dead of night, and running, running, running, running, running and never looking back. I have fantasies about putting my shoes on, taking my handbag and leaving. Taking the first flight out of here to wherever possible. Never looking back, running to meet my former self. The happy, confident, funny, often sarcastic midget girl who was destined to be something great.
Now I just feel like a shadow of my former self. I am thinking about writing a book about this, maybe a few people will be able to relate.
Thank you for reading, I know it is a really long post but I just had to vent. I needed some method of release. I have done it now, I feel 10 pounds lighter! Thank you once again, I would love to get to know some of the mums on here, because right now I actually have no friends!!!
Feel very for you. My advice to you would be to try and find a balance that you are happy with. Your DS will no doubt pick up on these negative feelings & this situation is doing neither of you any good.
I would find daycare of some sort For at least a few days a week - have you tried a child minder? - there would be fewer children than in a nursery. That way you could have some quality time to yourself to continue with your work.
I really feel for you. You are trying to be a breadwinner and a full time parent and it's no wonder it's getting you down. Fwiw there's no way I could work with my three year old around, it would drive me mad.
I have some empathy with you - I'm currently on mat leave with my second and I'm not really cut out to be a sahm! I find regular activities key, including stuff like swimming that is different from normal baby stuff. The most important life saver is preschool though. If you're in the uk, do you take your funded hours? Nursery at 3 is quite different from at 20 months.
And your partner sounds a bit of a waste of space tbh. Not supportive, is he?
Being a mum is hard and I'm sure we all recognise elements of what you've said. I really think things will start to change when he's settled at school and you start to get your life back. If there is any way to get him into some form of childcare (even just one day a week) I would give it another go. He may take a while to settle but it will be good practise for school.
And start planning now for when he's a bit older. What do you want to do with your life?
I feel for you Missintrigue, it can be hard. I was a single mother (unplanned) for many years, and although my brain doesn't need quite the stimulation that yours obviously does, I was very often bored and very lonely.
I also became depressed, and from your description of how you feel, I honestly think it does seem like you might be too.
The way I finally came out of the feelings of worthlessness, was by changing my attitude towards motherhood. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist, and a very hardworking person, but I felt I wasn't taking my role seriously. I would do all the things you do - all the clubs and classes, but it was only when I read an article in a magazine (can't remember what it was or what mag I'm afraid as it was about 13 years ago) about child development, that I started to realise how my behaviour might affect my little girl.
I realised that she was bad tempered because she sensed a restlessness in me, and she was clingy because she was desperate to earn the love I was struggling to give (because I was so depressed I was finding it hard to demonstrate it).
I decided that whether or not I had chosen to bring this child into the world, I would still do the best I could to make her as good and as happy a human being as possible. It was like a new project, and I learnt so much about her and myself. I learnt that if I spoke to her all the time about everything, and with kindness and love, it bred more kindness and love in me, and stopped her tantrums almost immediately. My depression subsided as I saw that this little person was desperate to just be with, and be loved by me. I recognised her clinginess as a simple need to be with me, and met that need with as much love as I could, and even that got better.
The truth is that your little child loves you more than you could ever even begin to imagine, and whilst you want your life back, all he wants is you. Be flattered by that, and remember it won't last forever, and if he is the only child you will ever have, you might regret not enjoying that unconditional love he gives you whilst it is there.
My daughter is nearly 16 now, and is the most loving, kind, funny and beautiful girl. She is thoughtful and emotional, and we have a bond that is so deep that even I am surprised sometimes by the things she is not afraid to tell me (school, boys, friends etc), things that I know her friends are not close enough to their mothers to share. I am proud of the effort I have put into her life, through the hardest and most challenging times, and my love for her is so deep I couldn't describe it. Sometimes, through the most difficult times of trying to juggle work, childcare, and trying to be both parents to my little girl, I would feel like breaking down. At those times, I would watch her sleep, and think about how I would feel if I suddenly lost her, and it made me realise just how important she was and still is to me. I love her more than life itself, and even though I am now running a business, and married, and with a beautiful (this time planned for) very young son, I will never forget what bringing up my daughter taught me about both she and myself.
I hope you can find in yourself what your son really needs from you. I really really wish you well, and I hope you will look back in many years and see what a great job you have done, and what a lovely person you managed to shape and send into the world.
A great post from seenaught.
I can relate to most of what you said OP. I had counselling for what was more like an identity crisis than depression - I had no idea who this 'mum' person was. Would therapy be an option for you?
The loneliness is horrible. Making mum friends is hard, I sympathise. There are local meet ups on the boards here if you look for your area.
Got to dash - son's woken up.
I feel terrible for you. And so sad for you and your son.
I'm no doctor but all your feelings are exactly what I felt when I was depressed. I think that you are depressed from what you've said. Why do you think you might be. (I ran my own business and looking back I was depressed for at least a year before I knew or admitted to myself that I was).
Just a little thing but stop going to the library! There is lots of things in life we have to do, this isn't one of them!
I'm sure you don't need us to tell you that your negative feelings will be affecting your son. I expect his clingyness, his tantrums etc are made a whole lot worse by how you feel, which in itself is a vicious circle.
When I was depressed I felt incredibly lonley, all of the time. I also had fantasies of dropping everything and disappearing, I imagined myself on desert island by myself having abandoned all realities of my life. Strike any cords with you?
You have now written everything down that makes you feel this way. That is fabulous! I think posting on here is the start of things getting better for you. The balance of your life is all wrong, not one section of your life is going well and this is why you feel at your wits ends and that you can't cope (I'm posting this now in case I loose it and carrying on with another!)
That should say 'why do you think you might NOT be depressed?'
Ok here it is in a nutshell:
Work life = negative.
Love life = negative.
Social life = negative.
Home life = negative.
Health life = positive. (from what you've said you have no health problems?)
Ok so here's the list. What I think we need to do is look at each of these and try and decide which one is easiest to change. (do you find making decisions hard now too?)
Which one do you think? Your social life? Can we have a go at re-kindling some old friendships? We can brainstorm how as it probably seems impossible at the moment.
Love life? Just get rid of this guy? He is dragging you down further than you need to be? Or perhaps just settle for now with the thought that you know you won't be with him for ever/ his unhelpful behaviour won't matter for ever so for now park the love life issues and deal with one of the others.
We can carry on the list asking questions working out which one will be easier or you can face changing. Then let's go about changing it. And only focus on that one thing.
If you try and change everything at once I think it will be too overwhelming and you'll feel like you are getting nowhere ( perhaps how things are now).
I hope to see another post from you with a bit more info, and I hope my posts have been not too way off the mark.
One last thing for now. Go to the doc's, explain how you feel, they'll give you a simple questionnaire and then in black and white, no if's and but's the doc will tell you if you are depressed or not. I expect you have mild depression, one that puts a constant black cloud over you but is fairly easy to get out of.
I feel very positive for you that things can get better and quickly and you will start to enjoy your son again.
You need a balance - others are right. Start researching other day care options right away including childminders -he might like the smaller kid ratio much more if he's telling you he thinks the classes are too big. He will have to adjust to school eventually I'd get this sorted sooner. Also if you are in the uk you can get the funded hours for free. Don't feel guilty about him being away from you either - I'm happy to admit I am a better parent because dd is at nursery 2 days a week.
I don't k ow if you are depressed hit you do sound like you ate just going through the motions. What do you like doing with ds? What do you hate doing? What are the biggest challenges? Maybe if you break it down we can help on a more micro level and maybe this will help with the macro.
Largely though it sounds like you ate desp to get back to work so you have to work out how to do this practically.
Ps: great post from seenenough.
Oh and agree with hyper - the dp sounds like a pain - unless you ate madly in live with him would it be the end of the world if you ditched him? Since you don't live together maybe you'd be better as co parents only. Dies he look after ds? Set times? Maybe he should!
Oh and yy to seenenough! Different experience but it reminds me of feeling like I had to take control post separation and start parenting on purpose instead of just getting through the days
Whilst I'm sympathetic, I'm also slightly that you're actually trying to work whilst supervising a 3 year-old and being surprised that it's not working out. It's a totally unrealistic expectation, but I think you're giving in too easily over the nursery. Most kids would really rather be with their parents than in childcare, but it's not often possible, and these kids are fine. Your son will be too.
What about a nanny? If you can afford private school, then can you not afford a PT nanny and delineate your work and home life. Bound to more efficient and also gives you clear "work" time and "parenting" time.
Also He needs a lot of attention from the teacher, so a state school just is not an option. This kind of stood out for me. Just because he demands a lot of attention doesn't mean that he necessarily needs it. Need and want are two different things. It seems to me that he does have you exactly where he wants you, and you need to think about how both of you can be happy, rather than just one of you.
OP why isn't your son in nursery? He's easily old enough to go and to get loads out of it - it wont be very long before he's compulsorily in school. No wonder you're emotionally exhausted, singlehandedly trying to meet every one of his social and developmental needs all day long every day and also trying to work at the same time. From your post it sounds to me like you might have given your child too much decision making power in relation to child care. He's obviously going to prefer being with mummy if its a option, because he doesn't understand all the factors at play and how you both might benefit in the long run from a different dynamic. I really think you should look again at what's available in your area, and whatever you try, be really positive when you talk to your child about what a fantastic time he's going to have there and keep it really upbeat when you drop him off, etc. it must be very hard making these kind of decisions without any real support. Keep posting on here.
Richman - yeh I thought that too re the private school. Trying hard not to be blunt but its a bit defeatist - that and the nursery thing. Settling at nursery can take a king time, require different strategies by both the staff and parent and also comes undone of things change. Achieving being settled at nursery is also v emotional for the parent do if the op is generally unsupported this is much harder. I cried so much taking dd to nursery that exp banned me and took her alone until she was settled - I was in bits! I have cried all the way to work quite recently if dd is going through a clingy phase and got upset at drop off. But.....we took her out of nursery for a month once and she was back after 2 weeks because she pleaded to go! Yes really! Once they are in the routine they are in the routine - you need to let them get to that stage. Dd quite often tells me in the car she doesn't want to go to nursery then we arrive, she sees her friend or a favourite nn and dashes in without a backward glance!
Also in the practical sense they get loads of adult attention and someone to play with all day - hende most kids can and do settle.
If your ds is quite bright but maybe a bit of a handful look for nurseries which have more structure. Down here they are Montessori and Macmillan nurseries. Some nurseries just play all day - wouldn't suit dd and sounds unlikely they would suit your ds - he will be bored and unchallenged. He wouldn't need as much teacher attention if he was mostly meaningfully occupied.
Try a different nursery and get some mental stimulation. You are clearly going bonkers in a situation that would also drive me bonkers. It isnt about hating being a mum your balance is wrong. My suggestion with nurseries if he is sensitive is to look at the smaller ones.
Thanks everyone for responding to my original post. To be honest I am not depressed. I went to two doctors, and a private one which I did not mention in my post. They asked me all the questions and they said I am just overwhelmed with everything. In terms of nursery, I did not mention sorry I should have said. They basically said he is not ready to go to nursery yet, the school is a good school from what I have seen but they a bit overstretched there. They said that he is gifted in music and numeracy and they cannot provide the stimulation he needs. I did not mention this part because I had so many things to say.
The school I am sending him to next year is a really small private school that is designed for gifted children. This is why a state school is not really an option for me. In terms of getting a nanny, I cant really afford that because I have saved for private school but paying a nanny would mean it takes too much of a chunk out of his school money.
In terms of work, I have to work because i dont get enough money from his dad to pay bills and live off. I am not the type to go on benefits or anything I have worked all my life. It is really hard and most of the time I do want to run away but I am not a quitter. I know it is hard but because I felt lonely I wanted to vent how I was feeling about everything.
I had a discussion with my partner and his grandmother today and he is there for the next five days. It is not going to be easy at all trying to get through this but life is hard and I have to believe in a positive outcome no matter what I am feeling right now. I feel a bit better today, I know I am going to have a lot of bad days. But, I am working on it, thank you for all the feedback and everything I appreciate people taking the time out to comment. There are a few things I need to work through right now. As much as it is hard I am doing my best for my son at the moment.
I know in the end it will work out. No mother is perfect, I have been trying to do everything at once and I know I need to create some kind of balance.
love and blessings
amarylisnightandday: Thank you he will be going to a very small Montessori nursery and school combined which is designed for gifted children like my son. He will be there from the age of four until 11 years old. I am working hard for my son so he has the best chance in life . It is really hard right now for me but I am trying to work through it. Thank you every one for your messages and opinons. It has helped, I woke up in a much better frame of mind this morning after venting. The main reason I came on here was to vent once, get it out of my system to people who are not my friends or family. It has helped a lot, have not really explained every aspect of my life on here but there is a lot more to it. I am not depressed at all, I just feel a bit trapped sometimes in the situation because of the fact that I am someone who needs to be intellectually stimulated.
I need my work, I have never had loads of friends but I did have a social circle. I am trying to get that back, in fact I am off out tonight with a friend/client. So things are looking up, nothing is ever easy, especially motherhood. However, I am working on it.
Thanks again xxx
Sorry OP who is "they" who have said your DS is too gifted for any type of nursery or childminder? Was it the people at the last nursery or the school he will be going to? Have you tried posting in MN's gifted and talented forum to ask what others have done for childcare when their DC were so little? It's under Education in the Talk menu.
sorry I have been rushing around today and kind of rushed through the post. At the nursery they said it, and I knew already anyway. I am not keen on childminders, there are not many good childminders in this area. He is going to his nans on the dad side two days a week now so I kind of have that sorted from today. She is an ex teacher at a very good private school so she is pretty good with him. First his dad said that she would not be up for taking him two days a week during the week. However, we had a discussion today and she has agreed. So, I am kind of relieved about that part of things, I can work part time from home now it is okay.
They have excellent teachers in the school he will be going to for gifted children so I am happy about that. He was offered a place at a state nursery this year and I took it because the ofsted reports were pretty good. However, my son did not get on there at all. The teachers even said it was not right for him, they recommended a private nursery which is very good but they have no space there. It is the best one in my area for my son needs, the other nurseries are all oversubscribed. From next week we will be going to the school he will be going to next year for parent child sessions. They do this for gifted children there to give there. Thanks for the suggestion I will check over in the education section.
Today I resolved a few issues and I am happy with the decisions I have made, when I wrote that post I was really getting things off my chest. I have discussed things with my partner and with his grandmother, my parents and a health visitor today. I think everything is going to be okay, good days and bad days but I am not about to jump off a bridge or anything. My son is with his nan now until Tuesday.
Thanks again for all the feedback.....I think it will be okay now.
apologies for joining the thread so late. I first read your post yesterday morning when my DS had me up about 4am (the joys of teething!), and I've been meaning to post since. I could relate to so much about your feelings around parenthood, though the logistics of our lives are different. I'm glad you've got something sorted, and that you're feeling better after venting, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling like motherhood doesn't fulfill you 100%. There was even an article in Grazia about it a couple of weeks ago- a woman, writing about how she loves her daughter, but that she still likes her life as an adult (if that makes sense).
I'm the same, and I've tended to give myself a hard time about that. I have nothing but respect and admiration for women who can be SAHMs (without any paid work at home, if that makes sense). I've recently realised that though I think I should want to be a SAHM, I'm just not made that way. I really related to your comment re lists and getting things done- I'm so like that too. And it's taken 2 DC and beating myself up that I'm not a 'good enough' mum to realise that I'm just me, and that if I figure out a balance that works for me, my kids will be happy. So now I have 1.5 days per week with them and am retraining the other 3.5 days, and it works for me.
So just because I don't always want to talk about baby stuff, it doesn't mean I don't love them or that I'm a crap mum (something that I'm v sensitive about, cos of my own "D"M). Sometimes I do want to talk about politics or current affairs. Other times I'm happy to talk about whether my baby's babbling actually means anything.
Chin up, glad MN helped and remember it will get better, esp now your MIL will have him a couple of days.
I don't think you are depressed. I think you need to change your attitude to your new life with your ds. I think the trigger that has caused the problem is the fact that it was initially easy looking after your ds until he was 20 months old and as such your weren't prepared for a change. I think if things had been harder at the baby stage you would probably have been more accepting of your new life.
Once you've sorted out your ds's nursery and have some time to yourself to work I think you'll be fine. In many ways I've got to question if you really have a problem.
You come across very patronising of baby groups. We don't always talk about our dcs. As an ice breaker we might mention them but then it moves on to general chit chat. If you don't like the baby groups why do you still go to them? Some of the other parents there might be very academic for all you know or a lot of good fun if you took the time to get to know them.
I can't help but feel that you probably send out a very negative vibe to the other parents at these sessions. I also wonder if you were smug to the other parents when you say you wondered what all the fuss was about having a baby. A bit of empathy never goes a miss when making friends. Smugness is a huge turn off.
To be blunt I think you sound very self absorbed. You only have one dc to manage and as such I think you need to get a grip. You may hate the baby group sessions but at least you have the luxury of being able to go to them without having to juggle two dcs.
Not looking forward to the day after your ds has given you a hug should give you the push to change your attitude.
Accept you life and appreciate what you have. Your old friends have disappeared so that life no longer exists. You've published a book whilst having a baby so you can still have a career with a dc.
Change your negative attitude and learn to laugh and appreciate what you've got. In turn you'll probably find that people will want to get to know you and you'll make new friends.
I totally understand where you are coming from but in my case I despiratly wanted a baby and was on the verge of IVF so sometimes feel a little guilty about those feelings. My problem was not looking to the future and wanting all the freedoms of being single. I even told my BF now DH that I sacraficed time at the weekend to be with him rather than riding my horse. Getting married was a huge shock, the commitment, the responsibiliy etc. My feelings were that I just had to knuckle down and to remember that all those plucky heroines from the films who married the handsome millionaire/astronaut/lumberjack still have to do the washing up, cleaning and shopping! I think you have had a rough ride with your partner and he probably needs to grow up too, which I don't mean in a nasty "playground" kind of way but thats where you need to be. Look to the future and all that is has in it, rather than wistfully looking back and wondering how you got to 40 and remember nothing. You sound like you are getting there, after venting, everyone needs that!
I am well educated too but, and I can't say this well, no one cares and just because other people don't have a degree, doesn't make them stupid or unable to commicate with you. Their interests are differant and you need to find that common ground now you are no longer just socialising with colleagues but other mums. This was a hard lesson for me to learn and I am still learning to keep my mouth shut, just because i have a degree does not make what I have to say anymore important than anyone else. I try not to tell people my career choice because they have preconceived ideas about me which makes it worse, have you tried doing that? It is important that your son is not ostrasized by his friends parents because of you, when it comes to school age parties and play dates. Try being more open, admit you have problems and are not perfect, other people will respond and you will find some friends. It always takes me 5-6 sessons to break the ice with new people, its from spending my weekends in pub childrens rooms having no interaction with my parents or peers outside of school!!
Have you tried some of the other toddler groups? We have loads at the centres near me, I have tried a few to see which suits my DD at various stages of her development and returned to some once I feel she is ready. I suspect that your anxiety has not helped your son's behaviour and you will find it easier to manage him by forcing yourself to be jolly for 15-30mins and note the change. It works, I have experimented!
Good luck and let us know how you get on!
Glad to see that things seem a bit brighter in your later posts. I do think it is very important that you should get things sorted in a way that will make it easier for you to engage happily with your son- tbh however gifted he is, he will get more intellectual and emotional stimulation from a good relationship with you than from even the most wonderful special school for gifted children.
What does strike me about your OP is the discrepancy between what you what you feel you must provide because you imagine your son needs it and what your strength will actually allow. So you end up eating sandwiches because your son is accustomed to gourmet meals and you (naturally enough) don't feel up to providing those. Now I am sure your son won't come to any harm through eating sandwiches, but I think you would make your own life a lot more manageable if you could reach some middle ground- something that isn't quite Gordon Ramsey but a little more satisfying for yourself than a sandwich.
You mention that your son's nan was not at first sure she would be able to take your son- don't you think it might be wise to have a plan B in case she has to pull out? Is there any particular reason why you feel your son would not be able to cope with a childminder?
I just get the general impression that you are very intense in your expectations of yourself and I can't help thinking that the most useful thing for your son in the long run is if you try to help him to learn some flexibility, show him as he grows older that he doesn't always have to have the best of everything, that nothing dreadful will happen if he sometimes has to make do with second best. Otherwise you will just stress yourself out.