Help. Need advice. DD (3.5) waking every night with night terrors

[MrsArchchancellorRidcully]

DD has always been a fantastic sleeper. Slept 7-7 from 12 weeks old and, barring illness, has slept consistently ever since.
Sorry for long post but am at a loss as how to help DD.

DS was born 4.5months ago and we had a period of challenging behaviour but we dealt with it lovingly and for about 2 months she has adored him and still slept well, even when he woke crying.

In the past 4 weeks she had a bad fever followed by a week of bed wetting and now for the past week has woken every night at 4am (bang on to within 10mins) shouting for us and when we have gone in she has been terrified and said that scary monsters are coming in the door. She then literally begs us to come into our bed and says she hates her room (she went into her new room a few months before DS arrived).
So far, DP and I have been firm that she can't come into our bed as she rarely sleeps if she does and just messes about, kicks and generally tries to get our attention.

It has been taking up to 90mins to re-settle her and she just screams and cries. She has also started waking DS (he has been sleeping through since 6 weeks), so our day is starting at 4am at the moment and we are both shattered.

I have tried very hard to reassure her and have talked about it in the daytime. She remembers waking but says she is a big guy and will stay in her room tonight but doesn't. I asked her what would help her like her room and she said butterflies, so we went out and decorated her room with butterflies and told her that monsters are scared of butterflies etc etc. I have spent a lot of time really trying to help her and nothing is working. There is nothing that has changed recently and she is not worried by anything I can find out.

DP and I lean towards the 'kind but tough love' approach but to get some sleep, he has started sleeping on the floor of her room. I am torn between just bringing her into our bed for comfort and making a rod for our back as she will never go back. DP cannot sleep in her room long-term as he has days when he drives long hours and I need to stay in our room for DS.

I hate seeing her so upset but also feel really frustrated that nothing we do seems to make any difference. I also need to think of DS as his feeding is becoming erratic as his nights are disrupted.

I can understand being woken by DS as a baby but having had such a good sleeper with DD and she is on her way to 4, this has thrown me.

I suspect this is a phase as it's accompanied by some very bad behaviour in the daytime - almost like going back to the terrible twos.

Does anyone have any tips or reassurances that this will pass. Do we continue with the 'reassurance but you are staying in your bed' or do we just bring her into our bed? My instinct is going towards the latter but I am concerned we'll all end up with no sleep and she'll never go back. perhaps she is resenting DS still being in our room??

Thanks for reading this far - just getting it out has helped.

Is there anything else you can give her to resettle her? For me, the nightlight and a story-tape helped, as well as a familliar lullaby. My own parents tried a reward chart previous to the resettle - it didn't work because I was frightened and not acting out, but if you did feel she was 'being difficult' then it might help? From what you say, I think it sounds more like actual nightmares and natural fear-of-the-dark/fear of monsters problems than being awkward.

I say persevere. One reason for it being 4am is because of the stages of sleep. The most vivid dreams (and nightmares) tend to happen in the last stage of sleep, and the stages are repeated in a cycle throughout the night. The more times we go through the cycle, the faster it takes our mind to reach stage 4. By about 4am, she is likely to have had an intense period and the dream is awakening her whilst in the stage, causing her mind to recall the dream clearly. There's actually quite a lot online about sleep stages and also about how it's really normal to have re-occurring dreams (especially as a young child or at certain times in life) and the fear of monsters thing is very common. :)

I think it's unlikely to be jealousy of DS being in your room, more likely the imagination developing. Has anything worried her recently? Perhaps her head is working through how she felt being ill? It will pass, and if it doesn't I'd take her to the Docs because lack of sleep is a horrid thing to suffer with (for everyone).

Good luck, I hope this helps a little bit.

my dd had night terrors - not the same as nightmares....god i remember it well.

i was told my HV to wake her - just rouse her before i went to bed because night terrors happen at a certain time in the sleep cycle and if you can disrupt it it can stop it happening.

it worked with dd

her night terrors really were terrifying - i ended up in tears one night because she was sat up, eyes wide open, screaming at me that she wanted mummy and she seemed to be seeing me as someone else - she was scared of me, backing away and screaming for me at the same time - it was early hours of the morning and i just sobbed. it was awful. i couldnt wake her up enough to know it was me and she just exhausted herself and went back to sleep - she remembered nothing the next day.

as horrible as it is - it passes.
but try and wake your dd before you go to bed, not enough to have her wide awake but enough to disrupt the pattern.

hth!

It's unlikely to be proper night terrors because they generally don't remember them and aren't logical or responsive really during the event. I agree that it's more likely to be standard nightmares.

The important thing to remember is that it's really common at this age with the developing imagination etc, and usually they disappear after about 6 months.

Persevere. I wouldn't bother with the changing rooms etc, that will reinforce that there is something scary about her room, and encourage her to see yours as the safe place.

It's rough while it lasts, but this too shall pass, etc.

Does she still have an afternoon nap?
My ds is a bit younger and since dd arrived it was harder to get him to go for his daytime nap so I just let him go without it, but on every occasion he went without a nap he woke at the same time every night with terrors. These stopped as soon as I brought back the daytime nap.
HTH

If it is actual night terrors the child is asleep (though eerily seems very awake) and doesn't remember anything about it in the morning. It often starts during fevered illness, and carries on a bit while they are under the weather / over-tired.

Does she remember what has happened in the morning?

If it is actual night terrors it is often advised not to disturb the child at all as any reassurance or enagagement prolongs it and makes it worse. We stopped trying to comfort ds, he never remembered it, and it stopped much quicker.

But if she is a having nightmares and then wakeful fits, that is different.

Yes, sorry, regarding advice on my above post - if she is actually waking and recalling the fear, it's a nightmare and what I've said might be of some use. If she's not recalling it in the morning and not responding in a normal way to you (ie. don't seem to understand you are you or not responding to what you've said in any expected way), though appearing awake, she's having night terrors. I assumed she was having horrid dreams (as you said she'd 'woken'), but if I'm wrong then Roadtonowhere gives the same advice I've heard of. :)

Thanks for all the helpful replies. I think it is nightmares and not night terrors as she has some recall the next morning (not much though) and when she wakes in the night she begs to come into our bed and when we say no, she then says I promise I'll sleep. If i leave the room she screams and gets out of bed and runs after me.

Had a better night last night as she woke at 3am having wet the bed (no big deal) and DP immediately went into her room after we had sorted her bed and went to sleep on the mattress on the floor so DS and i also slept.

I think we'll suggest the story cd for next time and wake her just before we go to bed to go for a wee.
The comment about keeping her in her own room so she doesn't see her room as scary and our room as safe was also useful. We have resolved to keep her in her own bed.

I think this is something to do with a development spurt/imagination development and we just need to keep reassuring her and if needs be, sleep in her room for a bit. once DS goes into his own room at 6 months it will be easier I guess as DP and I can take it in turns to sleep on the floor. A bit depressing as we've just got engaged - hardly the most romantic way to spend the next few weeks/months! Ah well. This will pass (please god soon).

If she's still like this next week i will phone the hv and see if there is anything she can add or maybe the doctors - which one would you go for?

I'd probably go with the docs unless I'd had really good advice from the hv before. :) But I'm sure both will be helpful.

Glad it's been a bit easier, hope it continues to get better.