Sorry this may be sensitive, I need a termination, need advice please.

(17 Posts)
Reallyscrewedup Tue 02-Oct-12 11:44:49

Just found out I'm pregnant.
I've decided I have to have a termination.
Bit of back round, dh left a couple of months ago, I had a stupid drunken one night stand not with dh, condom broke but stupidly took the chance not to take the map. Regret that now. Fast forward to now.
Dh and I have decided to make a go of things, he doesn't know I'm pregnant.
What's the first step of getting one?
I'm planning on not telling dh so need to do this in my own.

I know I've done wrong sleeping with this man, I'm prepared for a flaming sad

Just wondered what happens when I see the gp etc.

Coops79 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:49:37

You can go to your GP or to your local Family Planning Clinic if you prefer. They will give you a referral for a termination at a hospital. You can also go private if you prefer with Marie Stopes or the like. If I were you I would really recommend confiding in a friend; terminations are emotional things and you will probably need some support. Hope all goes smoothly for you. First step is the doctor. Good luck. x

I think you can make an appointment at a clinic eg BPAS, without involving your GP.

Reallyscrewedup Tue 02-Oct-12 12:11:18

I'll be Totally honest, I'm a sahm so would prefer not to have a hospital stay if it can be avoided, I really have no clue what is involved in a termination.

ATM all I can think about is not being pregnant and dh not finding out.
I know I sound heartless but really I'm not.
I've thought hard about it and have no choice sad
I can not support 3 dcs as a single parent. It would be the end of my marriage for good, dh had an affair we are trying to work things out.

RamblingRosa Tue 02-Oct-12 12:16:03

I think you're unlikely to need a hospital stay unless there were serious complications.

The BPAS website has lots of info about how to get an abortion, what it entails, what the different types of abortion involve (pill/surgical) here.

Good luck. I agree with telling a friend for support. Would you consider telling your DH?

KnockedUpMell Tue 02-Oct-12 12:27:23

If ours still early on, you can have a medical termination at home- would be like having a miscarriage, so there may be fairly heavy bleeding and cramps. Also it may not be successful. Most hospitals would do surgical terminations as a day case procedure anyway, so you should be home by the afternoon... But that would probably be more difficult to explain your absence as you need to be in hospital fairly early in the morning. Go as soon as you can. The earlier you are, the mre likely you will be able to have a medical termination, and you will have less bleeding and cramps.

KnockedUpMell Tue 02-Oct-12 12:28:53

If you are past the window for medical termination, and do not want to tell DH, you could just say you have another medical problem that needs day surgery?

EdMcDunnough Tue 02-Oct-12 12:38:35

I think, and this might not be very welcome advice, that if your DH has had an affair, and you've had a one night stand, since then, you're hardly the one who has caused the most damage.

And it worries me that you're entering back into this marriage with such a massive secret. If it should come out then he will probably be really upset that you kept it from him.

I hope this doesn't come across wrong. Just concerned for you xx

Reallyscrewedup Tue 02-Oct-12 12:55:02

Thank you all its really appreciated.
I'm very early on 5 weeks at the most.

I really can't bring myself to tell dh.
Another thing that's worrying me am I likely to get any post? We open each others post, junk mail etc.
god this is more complicated than I thought.

I have no rl friends of my Own, all my friends are his friends too.

ecuse Tue 02-Oct-12 13:34:36

No flaming from me; I would do the same in your situation. And - to quote a sitcom - you were on a break. I don't think you did wrong, don't beat yourself up. In an ideal world you might want to tell your DH but I can understand why in your current situation you feel you can't.

I had a surgical abortion with Marie Stopes who were really good and helpful. Cost about £500 about 8 years ago (London). I did go to my GP too but the waiting list would have put it back till about 15 weeks and I didn't want to wait that long.

They were very hepful - I had an initial consultation with dating scan, then took up their offer of optional counselling. Had it done as a day patient. So 3 appointments in all but it could have been 2 if I hadn't taken up the counselling.

Was in a few hours after the termination (went in mid morning came out mid afternoon). Think I could have been in and out quicker but I wanted a general anaesthetic (they tried to persuade me a local was better but I didn't want to be aware of the process).

Not a nice experience but dealt with as well as could be expected and it was absolutely the right choice for me - no regrets.

Good luck x

detoxdiva Tue 02-Oct-12 13:52:30

Don't beat yourself up. You need to do whatever is right for you and it sounds like you are clear in your decision which is the main thing.

If you go privately to a Marie Stopes clinic or the like there will be no post to your house - please don't worry.

If you are going through this alone then you will need to go for the local anaesthetic so that you can drive home afterwards. The process is quick, not pleasant but you are able to leave about an hour later.

With a general you will need someone there with you - are you sure you don't have 1 friend who you can confide in?

detoxdiva Tue 02-Oct-12 13:54:33

Ok, just seen your post about your friends. Your options then are a surgical termination with a local anaesthetic or to take medication at home - you will need to go to the clinic twice for this too.

Good luck.

EdMcDunnough Tue 02-Oct-12 17:09:07

Gosh you poor thing.

Just a word about having a termination very early - I saw a thread the other day about someone who was unable to do this at a similar gestation to you, the reason being the clinic needs to be able to verify the embryo on the scan, so that they know that it has 'gone' afterwards iyswim.

Medical termination sounds like your best option at this stage - that's where you take one pill then another, it's like a heavy period apparently. I think they will do this from 6 or 7 weeks, not sure, ring the Marie Stopes helpline and ask.
They also give you counselling over the phone which I found really really good actually. I thought it would be biased but it wasn't - I didn't end up having a termination.

For the surgical option you will have to wait a few more weeks x

FunnysInLaJardin Tue 02-Oct-12 17:15:07

I would go though BPAS direct rather than via your own doctor. I had a TOP over 20 years ago and my doctor refused to consent. This delayed it by so many weeks I was 13 weeks rather than 7 weeks by the time I went in. I would hope it's different now, but not sure. I was dealt with as a day case but had a general and so couldn't drive etc afterwards.

MumToTheBoy Tue 02-Oct-12 18:04:09

I understand why you don't want to tell your dh but I feel I should warn you that at some point in the future this could come out, so it may be better to tell him than have him find out accidentally.

A friend was pg and had to see a consultant. The cons referred to the termination she had had, which was on all of her pregnancy notes and on her general notes. Her dh already knew about the termination but if he hadn't it could have caused a huge upset.

I think what I'm trying to say is think carefully about this because you may find in the long run that it would be better to tell him. Things to consider - are you likely to have more children with him in the future? Also you could possibly need some gynae surgery/ investigations in the future and there's every chance that this could be mentioned.

Also, without wanting to scare you, I had an ERPC after a missed miscarriage and I had a bad reaction to the anaesthetic, also I bled very heavily afterwards and had to have further surgery. This isn't uncommon so even if you do decide to have the termination without telling him there could be complications which mean he would find out anyway.

I'm sorry if my post upsets you, cos I fully understand what you are saying but I also want to say he should know. I would hate to find out something so important about my dh years down the line and realise he hadn't told me/ had lied to me about it.

crackcrackcrak Tue 02-Oct-12 18:15:49

Didn't want to read and run. Agree an mtop sounds like your best option and is available ip to 12 weeks iirc (though may be 9). What is involved is a miscarriage brought on by 2 sets of medication.
What's involved in a surgical top is that you go in for around a day. You have to not eat/drink on the morning as with any surgery. An anaesthetist will assess you prior to going to theatre and you will be given a GA. I recall I was offered a painkiller suppository which I declined then regretted. When I came around I felt v heavy cramps and I think there was some bleeding afterwards. I was quite poorly for a couple of days afterward but I remember wanting to eat when I got home (tea time) so I can't have been that bad.
This experience/decision is something which 13 years later I still somewhat regret and can feel v emotional about - even after 2 dc. BUT I feel v strongly it was the right decision at the time and I stand by it still.

The physical discomfort faded v quickly and it was a decade before I wanted children but the sadness stayed. I supprt your decision (its your alone) but I wonder if some counselling around might be helpful (not for someone to talk you out of it god forbid that's the opposite of helpful) but maybe afterward - someone to offload on. Think it over anyway.

Secondsop Thu 04-Oct-12 00:40:36

Hi, just wanted to say that if you do decide to have more children with your husband in future, it is possible for a termination to be kept confidential from your handheld maternity notes, in which case the only place it will appear is in the midwife's records made at the booking appointment and it will be marked as a confidential pregnancy. It need never be referred to again as part of your medical care.

I don't have any further advice to add to what the others have said apart from to wish you all the best. I had a termination years ago at a Marie Stopes (it was a referral from the GP as the hospital couldn't fit me in so I didn't have to pay) and afterwards i did wish I'd told someone but it all felt too personal to share with anyone apart from one friend at the time, and she lived abroad so couldn't come with me so I went on my own. Going on my own was fine; I am not sure i would have wanted to have been handling someone else's sympathy at that point so for me personally, I was fine being on my own with my thoughts. The procedure was a day procedure - went there about 9am, was home by early afternoon I think - although there was a pre-appointment on another day that also had to be attended.

I can't remember about whether i got any post about it, but I'm sure that if you don't want letters you can request this. I'd imagine they are quite used to such requests.

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