Hello, I don't really know where to start. I am 36 with 3 children aged 13,3 and 7 months, married.
Since having my last baby I feel very low,unhappy,ugly,fat and I am very awful mother to all of my children. When my DD was 2 weeks old I went to GP and she diagnosed me with PND,but I thought she was wrong,I was putting this down to baby blues,lack of sleep and very demanding baby. She prescribed me antidepressant ,but I have never take them. Until last week it was sometimes good ,sometimes not,it always depend on how my DD was,when she was good,then I was o.k,when she wasn't then i was unhappy,moaning but generally I was coping,well kind of.
From last Monday I feel so angry all the time,I have always had bad temper but nowhere near as bad as it is now.
I cry almost all the time,and I am day dreaming about smashing and destroying stuff around me, whenever my DC cry or want something from me I feel very aggressive towards them. I have never hit them ,but I don't know how much longer I can restrain myself.
I feel so empty,so disgusting ,sometimes when I am driving I want to crash into a tree,I think my family will be much better without me.
I have so much hate inside me,I hate pretty much everything and everyone.
I want my old life back,when I was working ,has many friends,my fit body,and my all happiness . I don't have anything from the above list now,all I have is my filthy house ,screaming children and nothing else.
I called my GP this morning,but they gave me app at Friday, I have no idea how I'm going to get through till Friday .
Call your GP now and make an emergency appointment. You do not need to tell the receptionist what it's for, only that is is an emergency.
Tell them everything you've posted here. They will be able to take it from there.
I know exactly how you feel, as I felt that way too & had to go this route. Once you have a little extra help it will start to get better slowly.
Your life will start becoming more recognizable in time, as your DCs get older but until then you need help to deal with the way you're feeling as it really is too much to carry by yourself & is not how it has to be.
P.S I love my DS to bits but it took me a while to really get that bond going & I honestly found the first few years very hard. I enjoyed bits of it but it felt like a very steep up-hill battle to be feel well & start really enjoying parenthood.
But it does happen eventually. I just wanted to add that so you know others feel this way too
The gp will have appointments, you need to push for an emergency one. If you still have no luck you can present at A&E and be seen by a psychiatric liaison team. Most likely that will be a specialist nurse who can signpost you to the appropriate service.
You and your children deserve a better way of living. It will get better, it really will.
Call your doctor again. Even just a phone appt will tell them you need some help. Can you call your health visitor? Do you have family/friends nearby who can come and sit with you?Can your DH come home/help?
(I found counselling alongside anti-d's helped more, as I had things I needed to talk about in relation to adjusting to motherhood on the whole. But some people find they can do that with friends/family instead)
Thank you ever so much for all your replies, I really hope it will get better cos I can't go like that any longer. TheYoniKeeper where did you go for counselling?did your GP refer you? I have my sister with me today,I am just so worried about the times when I am going to stay all by myself with kids. I don't know if this make any sens but I love them and hate them .I dont want to hurt them,its just so horrible feelings and so dark thoughts. I tried GP,and they moved my app for tomorrow.
Also how long does it take the meds to start working,what was your experience in that matter?
I hope you are too. My life is unrecognisable to the one I had pre kids (I.e. going to an often mind numbingly shite baby group and watching TV in the afternoon cooped up with toddler and newborn vs glam work lunches and sneaking out the office to shop in a big city!). I had severe postnatal anxiety issues to after birth of DS so also know what it is to not feel in control of your thoughts and emotions. In short, it's a living hell - made worse by others with kids who keep telling you motherhood is 'magical'.
I never went down the AD route as it scares me but have kind of began to learn my own coping mechanisms. The biggie is 'this too shall pass'. When you really feel shit try and repeat this and think of a time in the day when things aren't quite as diabolically shit. This may be a challenge as I often convince myself there are no 'better bits' to the day, just varying degrees of shit but the truth is there are. Focus on these. Do your DCs make you laugh at all? Or is there a time when they're in bed and you get two minutes to read a mag or come on MN?
The other thing that helps me is keeping a diary to try and start to unpick and unravel your feelings.
What about getting out on an evening for a walk it a run? Something that's just for you that you can look forward to?
It all seems a bit vague but these are the things that tags helped me.
I would also most certainly get in contact with your local crisis team who should be able to get someone out to talk to you immediately if you feel you need it and then get you some counselling.