I would definately wait until your child is 9 mths old until you start trying again.

In that timeframe you will probably find your answer. It sounds like you have already TBH

All the stuff you've posted in your "it's ok not to be because" speech above - that's The Fear talking. The sensible, rational, weights-and-measures part of you. And why not? I hear it too and I was lucky enough to have a totally straightforward pregnancy and birth. But the other side, all the magic stuff about growing a baby, is a leap of faith. It always is. If you feel ready to make a leap of faith then go for it If not, enjoy your DD and totally drench yourself in her wonderfulness, with no distractions.

And LOL at TrillianAstra, I agree

Am I looking for the opposite? There is nothing like a baby rumpling it's gorgeous little body inside you... and it is magic when they are born... and they have such exquisite silky snuffly little bodies... and straight away they are their own people and you begin to get to know them... and my dd could be a big sister and have all this magic in her life... and they could look after each other when they are adults like my big sister looks after me...

i don't know what i am doing, do i

Thanks again everyone

I suppose the play mates thing is a bit of a red herring. I guess I am really trying to psych myself up to being able to stand the possibility of doing this again at all because if I don't start trying to get my head around it it may never happen, and I think that would be a pity for my dd.
But actually I have found this so hard that at several points - even from early pregnancy - I have found myself vowing "never again".

Maybe I am looking for permission to not do this again. It doesn't seem right, there are no only children in my extended family, and I want someone to say, "it's ok - you don't have to be crippled again, you don't have to rip through your bum again, you don't have to risk fetal incontinence, you don't have to risk having a child with a chromosomal abnormality, you don't have to say good bye completely to sleep for another however many weeks, you don't have to exacerbate your money worries, you don't have to put your whole self entirely into some kind of emotional storage for an even longer indefinite period until it is somehow possible or allowed for you to read or write or sing in a group again".

I think so. but then.... maybe I am looking for the opposite.

I was told a 2 year wait with my SPD was in order - my SPD was quite vicious however, and didn't resolve right away. (Am 35, so also worrying about getting on with it).

Playmates is just as much down to personality, I think, as a really close age?

I agree with give it another few months and do not fall for all the "they'll be play mates" stuff, it totally depends on the childrens personalities. The optimum gap is 3 years and you have plenty of time for that.
Enjoy your baby.

Definitely leave it for a few months. Everything is all over the place - physically, emotionally, hormonally - for you at the moment, plus you're looking after a very young baby. Not a good tiem to be making life-shaping decisions, particularly ones that don't need to be made right now.

FWIW:

I had SPD with dc2, but not with dc3. Probably because I was aware of the risk from early on, and was constantly aware of my posture and movement.

I had a bad 2nd degree tear with dc1, which didn't heal and left me with permanent pain. I had a not-as-bad 2nd degree tear with dc2, which healed perfectly and sorted out the problems left by dc1. I had no tear at all with dc3, and he was the largest of the lot.

I had dc3 at 40. He did take longer to conceive than the other two.

Two dcs don't cost much more than one.

Come back to this in a few months time, if there's still a baby-shaped hole inside, then you know it's time to think seriously about no2.

I would bin the contraception, leave it to fate, and if it doesn't happen, read the Con list to myself repeatedly. No point getting into all the temperature chart stuff etc- just let the universe decide.

We had ds when i was 32 after little attempt and no problems and desperately wanted another straight away. However, despite having no problems conceiving i had 3 miscarriages over the coming yrs. We eventually had dd 6 yrs later.
I suppose what i'm trying to say is... just go for it, don't make plans or wait. You want it, go for it.

Thank you for your advice!

to answer some questions: DP would have one next week if physically possible.

waiting 2 years after SPD - that sounds like it makes sense but I have not been told this, perhaps because I have no HCPs who know anything about SPD - I have had to keep them informed (mainly from mn of course). So, well, if you say so I guess... but then I would be ttc at 40.

I suppose it is ok to wait a while to decide but as it took me, oh, well how shall we reckon it: 5 years (since meeting DP) or 15 years (since leaving university) or 23 years (since it was physically possible) to decide to have one, I don't have a great track record for decisive action.