Leave or stay?

[changethenamechange]

Long story short, i have been with my partner for almost 5 years. Due to get married in the spring, but i’m “suffering” with my bisexuality. For years, i have been attracted to females, i have not had any sexual experiences until i “came out” to my partner and suggested the idea of threesomes.

He is content with the idea of a threesome, but states that it makes him feel crap, because i visibly enjoy sexual interactions with females more than with him. We have only had a had them with the same two females and it has only made me want the same gender more. I cannot explain in words how much i love him, but i do not know if i can commit to a life of sacrificing my sexuality. (He gets jealous when i use toys... he threw my last toy away as it “emasculated him”.

My partner and i have had our differences. Due to a single issue of violence in the past (on his side). So this makes the idea of marriage even more difficult.

Would you sacrifice your sexuality for a guy you consider your best friend and soulmate? YABU- yes YANBU-No

I think the fact he threw a sex toy out because it emasculated him is a huge issue.

When you get married or are in a relationship you don’t stop fancying other people but you’re putting your flag in the ground of that person and you aren’t going to sleep with anyone else. Your sexuality isn’t important, you don’t want to stop sleeping with other people. Don’t marry him, it isn’t fair.

@changethenamechange

I think married you would be an issue.
I think you need to slow down talk to your bf and decide if you are gay or not.

Sexuality aside, I don't think marrying him is a good idea.
One single incident of violence is one too many. It is very likely to happen again.
Throwing out your toys is a huge red flag. Fair enough he doesnt want to use them with you but to police what you do in your own private time is completely unacceptable and shows the power imbalance in this relationship.

Then when you take into account the fact you want to have sex with women and he feels crap about it even when he is involved...this has disaster written all over it. Sorry

but i do not know if i can commit to a life of sacrificing my sexuality

These are your own words.

Do not sacrifice your sexuality.

Posted too soon -

I could say more about the red flags in your post. But I am not sure that would get through to you at this stage. Hopefully, your own words will.

Marriage should not be a sacrifice.

Bisexual or not, I don't understand this at all.
If he said the same and wanted to introduce men into your sex life would you be ok?

I don't know what to make of this thread.

Not having sex with other people is not “sacrificing your sexuality”. Being bisexual isn’t a pass to also sleep with women. If you were in a relationship with a woman should she allow you to cheat on her with men?

You either need to work out if you’re gay, work out what sort of relationship you want if you can’t sleep with other people, or commit to your DP. If you can’t do the last one you shouldn’t be with him for both of your sakes.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

but i do not know if i can commit to a life of sacrificing my sexuality

These are your own words.

Do not sacrifice your sexuality.

I think this is a weird comment. My sexuality is wanting to sleep with men. I have a DP. In life I meet other men I would maybe want to sleep with, but I don’t because I’m with DP. Everyone is sacrificing their “sexuality” when they are in a monogamous relationship, just because it’s the same sex isn’t some sort of pass.

Nope. We got the whole whole four corners of the red flag.

1. Past violence (once is more than enough, especially as you say it still worries you)

1. Controlling (was emasculated by your TOYS???? Next it’ll be male friends, then female friends, then male relatives, then... and these types can ramp up the attempt to isolate you A LOT after marriage; be so so careful with birth control).

1. Allows threesomes but they “make him feel like crap.” Yeah, uh, if he knows you’re bisexual, they well might do; why isn’t he (or you, because this is partly on you to, unless you think he’d take the conversation violently) trying to talk to you about what you need, even if that’s leaving this relationship?

1. Best friend and soulmate? A guy who had once been violent towards me, who is controlling my sexuality (bet he agreed the three would be two sexy ladies worshipping him - when he realized ladies can like each other, he was probably destroyed). Enh????

That’s enough to hold up the four corners of the red flag. Now, maybe there’s a lot of in-between bits we’re missing. But it wouldn’t matter if he was perfect with no violence, no controlling, nothing. The fact is that you are attracted to dudes and ladies, which is FINE, and you can’t just turn that off for the marriage that this guy wants. It’s not the right marriage for you.

I think this is a weird comment. My sexuality is wanting to sleep with men. I have a DP. In life I meet other men I would maybe want to sleep with, but I don’t because I’m with DP. Everyone is sacrificing their “sexuality” when they are in a monogamous relationship, just because it’s the same sex isn’t some sort of pass.

I don’t think it is weird but I wonder if the difference between us is semantics?

I’m married. I still find men other than my husband attractive. I don’t sleep with them. And I don’t consider that a sacrifice. It is part of a monogamous marriage.

The OP used the word sacrifice. I don’t think sacrifice should be part of a marriage.

The OP specifically said sacrificing her sexuality. Sex and sexuality is a big part of marriage. It should not be sacrificed for a marriage.

I don’t think the OP would have a happy long term marriage with this person at this stage in her life because of this.

So...other options...find a long term partner who is happy with the OP expressing her sexuality however she wishes or don’t find a long term partner and continue expressing her sexuality however she wishes.

Unless it's an open marriage everyone is making some sort of compromise on their sexuality. The violence and jealousy over sex toys is the red flag here though.

Violence? So he was violent against you?

Leave. Sexuality should not be your biggest concern here.

One single issue of violence is one too many.

He is not right for you.

Marrying him will be an unmitigated disaster.

Move on.

One time violence doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. He seems very insecure with the toy thing. Honestly I think it would save a lot of pain for both of you to end the relationship.

The violence would worry me much more than whatever else is taking place here.

Pressed YABU by mistake. What I meant is YABU if you marry him. He is not on board with what you not only want but also intend to have. That is not fair on him.

I say leave, as much for his sake as yours. He’s clearly not happy about the situation, and I don’t understand why you would commit to marrying someone who you’ve suggested threesomes with. If you just wanted to have a relationship with someone living like this, that’s probably fine until one of you just lets it fizzle out. But introducing this situation into a marriage is madness.

You leave because he is a violent abuser.

I would give up the prospect of snagging other people I wanted to share for a partner I loved, absolutely.

I wouldn't for someone who was violent and attempted to reduce my sexual pleasure by throwing away my sex toy though.

*shagging
*wanted to shag

Im bi. And old.

When you find the right person, it doesn’t feel like you are sacrificing your sexuality.

Would you sacrifice your sexuality for a guy you consider your best friend and soulmate?

Presumably when you commit to marry someone, anyone, you fully intend to be faithful to them.

If you feel you are sacrificing your sexuality, you are not ready for commitment, you are definitively not ready for marriage. It's not fair on your partner.

In theory if you find a soulmate who is into bringing sexual partners to your life and you are both happy with it, fine. But no one is wrong if they refuse that. Your partner deserves a lot better than someone telling them they are not enough.

If my bf wanted to introduce another man to our relationship I'd end it.

Bloody hell, don’t get married! He’s hit you? It’ll happen again. Having toys emasculated him? So having a female partner added in will crush him completely. You can’t have your cake and eat it. Either he’s enough for you or he isn’t. Your soul mate wouldn’t hit you, btw.

and HIS soul mate wouldn't tell him he's not enough and they need extras in bed 🤷

These 2 really should not get married.