I feel at rock bottom now.
My first grandchild was born last week and her father (my son) is in prison. The mother is allowing me to see the baby whenever I want which is lovely but I find it so, so sad. My son cries whenever I mention her, he missed her birth and will miss the first few months of her life. I’m not expecting sympathy for him but it’s killing me.
On top of this, my stepfather was taken into hospital yesterday with chest pains, swollen feet and unable to keep food or fluids down. They are doing an endoscopy but if it turns out to be serious my mother would never cope. She couldn’t even look after me when I was a kid (I lived with three different people before the age of 16) so how would she look after an adult? Will that fall on me too?
Then the underlying shit ... I have been used and abused by men since I was a child. Men seen to sniff out my weakness and play on it. I don’t know what I do that gives them the impression that I’m any bodies to play with ... recent examples are a married martial arts teacher which got so bad I had to leave the class. Now I have a client from work trying it on, making suggestive comments, telling me he only wants apointments when I’m at work and trying to talk to me about porn etc (I don’t engage but he doesn’t do this with any of my colleagues, so why me?) ... this has made me change my working days and I’m trying to hide from him when I’m actually in work so that he doesn’t change his appointment dates ....
Now the icing on the cake ... I have a male cousin who I get on well with. He has been “suggestive” in the past but not for a long time so I thought he’d gotten out of all that. He sent me a message on the day my granddaughter was born asking if I fancied meeting up with him for “a walk” and he specifically suggested “just me and you”.
I’m fucking fed up. I really am. I don’t know what to do right now but I feel like giving up my job and just running away. I keep watching these “into the wild” type films and I’m thinking about it much more than is probably normal.