To think nursery should have contacted me

[Moomoomango]

I attended my ds pre school parents evening tonight just expecting the usual all good carry on talk. His keyworker sat down and said he was incredibly concerned about ds as he has become withdrawn, disengaged and recently told him " I don't want to be alive anymore". I will follow this by saying my son is happy in other areas of life, he can be a bit dramatic with his language and I'm sure as most 4 year olds do we have times when he tells us he doesn't like us (usually when the tv gets turned off or something equally trivial). I asked how long this has been going on and his teacher said since before Christmas. Aibu to think the teacher should have raised these concerns before now? Especially on the day he claimed he didn't want to be alive anymore. Is this a safeguarding issue? I'm quite cross with the nursery but ds has only one term left before he starts school in September and don't know what to do. He is generally happy, no traumas or family problems and I'm concerned as he seems to only display this behaviour at pre school?

[ctjoy103]

Yanbu, it may be nothing or something serious troubling him. Either way you should have been notified.

[StitchesInTime]

YANBU, if they're "incredibly concerned" about a child, they should be talking to the parents as soon as reasonably possible. Not waiting until parents evening.

[Moomoomango]

Thank you. Who should I go to to raise the issue. Management of the nursery??

[Xmasbaby11]

I'd go to the management and explain your concerns. I'd be really upset if I was told this and it had been going on since last year. I think I'd want to gauge how frequent and how extreme the behaviour has been - is he withdrawn every day? My DD is 4 and she comes out with all sorts, often quoting or misquoting a book or TV programme. But combined with his withdrawn behaviour I'd want to know more.

Have you noticed anything different at pick up or drop off?

[fusionconfusion]

We've had a bit with this with our nearly 4 year old, almost exactly the same recently. Their emotions are all over the place. Every other day is the worst day of his life, apparently (usually for such reasons as not having a particular Paw Patrol character or favourite car to hand). He was very sad about dying recently, and again about the fact that he wouldn't be able to a mum when he grew up, especially about not being able to grow one in his belly. He is also finding it hard when some children don't want to play with him, as he's used to always having someone to play with at home as one of three close in age.

[LeanneBattersby]

Apologies. Wrong thread, obvs.

[lalalalyra]

I'd be asking for a meeting with the nursery manager. Parents night, either at nursery or school, should never land a surprise on a parent and especially not a serious and long-running one.

What have they been doing about the things he's been saying? I have to say if they say 'nothing' then I'd be removing him. You can't have serious concerns, but do nothing and not inform the parents imo, that's just nt good care at all.

[Damselindestress]

YANBU. If they were "incredibly concerned" they should have talked to you about it urgently instead of waiting months for a parent's evening! I would complain to the manager.

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

Yanbu. Nursery should have made you aware of their concerns within the first week of them realising there was a problem. I hate to say it as well but you do need to get to the bottom of a statement like that, even if your toddler is prone to the dramatics.

Just because a child is happy in one area doesn't mean they aren't masking what's going on in another.

For context, my ds1(5) is quite troubled and is displaying an awful lot of unwelcome behaviours. My GP specifically asked if he'd made statements about not wanting to be here as it would be a huge concern. Even if it appeared to be a throw away comment.

In your shoes, I'd worry now that the nursery would either keep other issues from me or cover up things, even simple accidents as they appear to have no concept of a child who may be at risk. I'd be complaining to the manager and I would be looking at other childcare options, being quite clear when my child left what the reasons were.

[RubbleBubble00]

Firstly go am shave a more detailed chat with nursery manager and his teacher. Angry response gets u nothing, you need a detailed pictured of the situation. You can complain later about their handling. Had ed psych been informed if they are so concerned, has iep been drawn up if they have specific worries. Helps if if u have a family member or friend to go with who can quietly listen in the corner so u can have a different perspective as well.

[Mominatrix]

We have a US king size bed (emperor size) whose mattress was purchased here. We had to have it specially made by Hypnos, and there was a problem upon delivery because they could not get the mattress up the stairs. We then had to pay to have the mattress remade in 2 parts (zipped up the middle), but the comfort makes it worth the hassle.

Bedding is purchased either at the White Company or in the US.

[Ameliablue]

Yanbu, parents evening is not intended to discuss serious issues as they are supposed to be short. Anything like this, should have been dealt with by arranging a proper meeting.

[mw63]

Did you not ask there and then why you were not informed immediately and what action has been taken to support your DS. I would have thought they are duty bound to look further into his comment.

[mummyto2monkeys]

Does your son have any sensory issues. Struggle with change/ transitions/ take things literally/ struggle socially or dislike going to school? When our son was five he was really struggling, said he didn't have any friends, said we didn't know how hard his life was and finally he said that he wished he had never been born. The heartbreaking thing is that he really meant it. He would come home from school and erupt into a massive meltdown which could last for hours. I was speaking to a friend and she hinted that our son might be autistic. When I looked at the autistic society website and read about autism, it was like someone had finally switched on the light. I called the helpline and they helped me to compile a list to take to the g.p. Our g.p at the time was a paediatric specialist and he wrote a very thorough referral to the children and family mental health team . After our first assessment we were informally told that we should look up everything we could about autism. My husband asked if it could be anything else and we were told no, definitely not. Since his diagnosis it has been a steep learning curve, we eventually decided to home educate our son and he is so much happier. He is nine in June and so clever, funny and happy. We have been able to devote time to develop his social skills and he has improved so much, his social worker wasnt keen on the idea to begin with but she now sings the praises of home education and the difference that it has made to our son.

I'm not saying that your son is autistic, but if someone else is going through tough the same hopefully my story might help

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is.aspx

[Booboostwo]

I would be more concerned with figuring out if there is a reason behind your DS's behavior and how to help him rather than confronting the nursery about how they raised their concerns. I'd arrange a meeting to discuss helping your DS not to complain.