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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or a bit PFB?

23 replies

itsMYNutella · 10/10/2013 12:48

My DS is a very active 9 month old. He is very friendly, happy and active but at the moment I'm finding it really hard work and I need a break.
DP would be happy letting PIL take DS for a morning or afternoon but I don't feel comfortable with them having him for more than an hour or two (this is usually a walk in his buggy).
My reasons for this: FIL is 71 & MIL is 69. Neither is very fit and they have both had massive heart operations in the last couple of years. They don't move very fast and have a bit of trouble getting down and up from the floor. The last time they took DS for a walk FIL carried him home for the last 100m and up to our flat (second floor, normal modern building) and he was sweating profusely and needed to sit down for a bit and mop his brow. MIL wouldn't be able to carry DS that far.

We do a mix of BLW & normal spoon feeding, I'm not really bothered about what/ how he eats as long as he eats; but FIL always comments and worries about DS choking.
I don't find them particularly supportive. When DS was born they were so excited to be GPs they overwhelmed DP and I with phonecalls, wanted a schedule of when they can see him/ take him etc etc. They both told us how worried they were about DS being cold (fully dressed newborn, wrapped in a blanket almost never out of someone's arms) and that they were so worried they couldn't sleep at night.

MIL is having some memory problems, she often calls DP by his oldest brothers name. She also bought and watered a fake plant for a couple of weeks before realising it was a fake plant. Recently when they were leaving she opened the cupboard door instead of the front door (we've lived in our flat for a couple of years), FIL pointed out gently it was the wrong door and closed it again.

So, AIBU or a bit precious?

OP posts:

Original poster

itsMYNutella · 10/10/2013 12:51

That should be AIBU and a bit precious, or not?
Oops. See I really need more sleep!

OP posts:

Belugagrad · 10/10/2013 12:53

If you are not comfortable with them babysitting then you are not comfortable - its not about being unreasonable or not.

Either you go with this and have an unrelaxing couple of hrs, or pay for childcare. Up to you.

jacks365 · 10/10/2013 12:57

You are being a bit precious about a couple of things for example the names. I don't have memory problems and still call my dc by the wrong name at times. I walk into the wrong room because I'm not concentrating proprly it's easy to do but it sounds like they are not physically up to coping with an active child so yanbu to not want them to look after him for too long.

thebody · 10/10/2013 12:57

no they don't sound capable bless.

Book a babysitter or use a friend.

cathpip · 10/10/2013 12:57

Not at all ESP with there health issues. My two used to get looked after by gp's a fair bit but I don't allow it now due to failing health and mil's memory problems (bleed on brain affecting short term memory). They would be mortified if anything happened to the dc while they were looking after them. The most childcare they do now is 1/2 hrs, you need to have a frank chat with your dp!

Sirzy · 10/10/2013 12:57

I'm finding it really hard work and I need a break.

For that reason I would think carefully before saying no to them. Nothing you have said would really concern me with regards to looking after him and its free childcare and a break for you.

Its up to you (and your husband) who looks after him though

RedHelenB · 10/10/2013 12:57

Very precious - I've done two out if the three things you mentioned MIL doing & I'm a single mum of 3! Why can't they use his pram if they go out?

Original poster

itsMYNutella · 10/10/2013 13:10

Wow, that was quick! Thanks for the responses.
They do use his buggy, sorry if that wasn't clear. I don't know why FIL took him out, he didn't say. He just said he had carried him for the last 100m.
I'm happy to pay for child care and DP and I are looking for a childminder. I don't know how much it is - I live in Germany - but I think both DS and I would benefit.

DP has also expressed concerns in the past about spending time with the PIL, he also feels stressed out by them. It's a whole other thread but they can be rather manipulative & controlling.

OP posts:

froken · 10/10/2013 13:11

Yanbu to not want to leave your ds with them but if you are finding it hard work it might be worth thinking if it a worthwhile small risk.

Do you have a completly baby proofed room at home? Could you say that they could look after your ds there so he couldn't possibly be in any danger?

I have a 9 month old and I have only ever left him with dp for an hour and a half ( very recently) I don't feel like I would enjoy time away from him I do trust our possible babysitters.

It sounds like your ds will be extra safe with your pil, the worrying about the cold must be annoying but not dangerous especially with an older child, their sceptical attitude to blw isn't really an issue if you do spoon feed your ds.

The memory stuff doesn't sound bad enough to worry about.

eddiemairswife · 10/10/2013 13:40

I would be more concerned about you feeling that you need a break from looking after a ' friendly, happy and active' 9 month old.

toffeecrispandacupoftea · 10/10/2013 13:40

Can you engineer a situation where they are looking after him but you are around? eg. "I really need to work from home today to finish this report, could you pop over and look after DS"? Then you can see how they get on?

You could even put in a bit of a memory test eg. "Would you mind putting the washing out when it finishes? The pegs are in cupboard X in Y room and the basket is under the stairs"

Might help you judge if they are up to it.

toffeecrispandacupoftea · 10/10/2013 13:42

I think it's fine to want a break by the way.

My DD is 6 months. I love her to bits. She is happy and healthy and I enjoy being with her. I am however going to a spa with my MIL tomorrow and DH is in charge! It will do them both good

NotYoMomma · 10/10/2013 13:42

I think a bit pfb sorry

there are 2 of them and they can help as a team. v unlikely that they will both havr heart issues at same time!

its only 1 morning or afternoon and tbh now is probably a much better time for them to do it rather than eait for them to be sprinting round after a hyper toddler.

its a bit ageist tbh and they clearly love him

NotYoMomma · 10/10/2013 13:44

having a break is the best thing ever. my first post dc break was an afyernoon with dh to eat a nice meal and see the hunger games!

I cherish the memory of it lol

NotYoMomma · 10/10/2013 13:45

froken - you have only left your 9 month old with your dp for an hour and a half

adalovelacelaptop · 10/10/2013 13:56

eddie quit with the guilting, I've never met anyone in rl who didn't need a break from their babies no matter how easy going they are.

SpottyTeacakes · 10/10/2013 14:44

Froken I was the same until I went back to work when ds was nearly ten months! Never left him as didn't need to. I completely understand people needing a break though.

Nutella what about if they come to yours and you go out? Get your hair done or go for a swim?

valiumredhead · 10/10/2013 15:52

Precious.

I bought a plant from ikea and watered it, it was fake

I get names mixed up all the time.

froken · 10/10/2013 16:04

My ds has always been pretty happy to please, as long as he was cuddled and had the option of a boob in his mouth he was happy ( until 6 months) after 6 months if he had a big space to crawl about in he was happy. So it really isn't anything I feel I need a break from. I appreciate that not all babies are like this.

We see lots of people and go to at least one group a day so I don't think ds needs to be left with other
people to be social.

It took a long time for us to conceive ds and we have been told it is unlikely that we will have anymore :( I think this makes me view looking after ds as really precious and a once in a lifetime chance.

WillYouDoTheMonsterMash · 10/10/2013 17:04

It's absolutely fine to need a break. 9 month olds are full on, throw in a bad night and a bit of teething and they can be very hard work. I don't think you can win as a mum, post that you need a break and you're told you shouldn't need one; post that you spend all your time with your baby and you're PFB. Not all babies and mums are the same, I think recognising you need a bit of a break and doing something about it is a really good thing.

I think YANBU. I'd stick to them having him for an hour or so at a time and if you need a slightly longer break then find a babysitter/ad hoc childminder (if such a thing exists?)

PurplePidjin · 10/10/2013 17:18

Yanbu, because if you don't trust them to be able to care for him adequately then that's all there is to it.

Is there a baby group they could take him to for you? Lots of younger adults to bring them a coffee, lots of toys for ds to explore? I take my 10 1/2 mo to a few and he's the youngest mobile baby, most of the other parents keep an especially close eye because he's a lot littler and make a point of saying hi when i helicopter am hovering nearby. I bet they'd be massively fussed over as the lovely grandparents and you'd know help was on hand if they needed it...

LimitedEditionLady · 11/10/2013 09:15

I dont think youre being pfb but youre worrying which is fine.
I let my ds go to his 80 year old great grandparents for a couple of hours.Hes a good boy and brings them joy and i love that they love each other.Yes sometimes i think is it a bit much but they want to spend time together so i think of it along the lines if there are two of them there,ds is happy and in a very loving enviroment.The key part here is that they want to have him,i only have them that really want to take him and are so pleased and proud to so im grateful.
And btw its not worrying at all to need a couple of hours to yourself,its good for you and baby xx

fluffyraggies · 11/10/2013 10:05

I don't blame you for worrying OP. My baby is due in Jan. and i have been anxious about my mum wanting to babysit when the baby is older. She's 74 and has mobility problems. She is forgetful, but also very set in her ways and anti BF. I can forsee a bit or careful negotiation going on next year.

In your case, on the facts you've given, i would not be able to relax while they were babysitting, so totally pointless. I would worry more about them taking your DS out than just caring for him in their home.

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