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No, the boyfriend can't stay.

(47 Posts)
FrauMoose Wed 20-Mar-13 12:30:37

My stepdaughter - earlyish twenties - moved back in with us in August. Her late teens and time at university had been a bit turbulent, as her relationship with her mother has been up and down.

Essentially it's worked pretty well having her back, but her boyfriend's visits can be a bit trying. As he lives in another part of the country, when he comes to stay it's for several days. My stepdaughter doesn't seem to like asking if it's okay for him to come - so sometimes his arrival has just been announced. Her boyfriend also sometimes changes his plans. Either we don't know when he is going to leave or then it is announced that he will be staying an extra day or so.

On the one hand he is pleasant and friendly and wants to get stuck in. On the other hand he is a bit loud and full of himself. The house always seems more crowded when he is there, larger meals have to be cooked, laptops suddenly appear on crowded kitchen surfaces and are constantly being used even if the TV/DVD player is also on - and we get to hear a great deal about his business ventures. (My stepdaughter is very keen on him and they will probably get married.)

At the moment we are in the middle of a hugely stressful time involving my elderly father-in-law - not resident but nearby - who is not taking good care of himself, and who is being demanding and rude. We are exhausted by dealing with him. My stepdaughter is due back this weekend at a time when the crisis with my father-in-law is coming to a head. We haven't seen her for six weeks because she's had a placement abroad and then gone to see her boyfriend for a few days. She wanted to bring her boyfriend back for the weekend.

Having initially said yes, we thought about it some more - and for the first time have said no. We would really like to spend the little bit of spare energy we have catching up with her, before she resumes her course on Monday, rather than having to be hospitable to her boyfriend too.

What do other people do about the partners/boyfriends/girlfriends of young adult children?

livinginwonderland Wed 20-Mar-13 12:34:28

i think it's a bit unfair to say no after you've been so accomodating. after all, she is an adult, not a teenager.

i live at home (i'm 24) but i go to my partners if we spend the night together, mainly for the privacy. my parents wouldn't object to him staying here, but it seems a bit silly to do so when he has his own place. in the past, my parents have always been fine with partners staying over so long as:

1) it's at the weekend only (ie. friday and saturday nights).
2) they have met said partner several times.
3) we've been together a certain amount of time (normally 3 months or so).

however, i've always been allowed to stay over at their place whenever i want, so long as my parents know where i am.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 20-Mar-13 12:35:00

My DD's BF stays but this isn't about what's right for me, it's about what's right for you right now. I am sure, that if there was a point where I felt that having DD's boyfriend under our roof for a few nights was too much then they would respect our decision and make alternative arrangements.

LoganMummy Wed 20-Mar-13 12:40:15

I can sympathise with your situation but I think you could potentially damage your relationship with your daughter if you say no (especially if you think he could be your future son in law).

SashaSashays Wed 20-Mar-13 12:40:20

It seems a bit unreasonable to go from a fully welcoming house to saying no. Does she actually want to spend this time with you without her boyfriend?

My eldest DS is 21, his girlfriend comes and goes as she pleases, I don't put restrictions on it because I would have hated such a thing at that age and she is obviously important to him. I don't organise things around her, so I wouldn't sit and entertain her or fuss about food for her, she just fits in with what we're doing. It can be a bit irritating at times as they very much have an off relationship so there have been a few blazing rows or stomping up and down the stairs but the rest of the time its fine. I don't mind when he brings girls back because they stay in his room for any hanky panky.

WilsonFrickett Wed 20-Mar-13 12:47:30

I'm not in this situation yet, but surely if you explain it to her as you've done here (well, the last 3 paras, not the intro grin) she'll be fine with it. She's an adult after all, she'll surely be able to understand that there are things going on this weekend which means you'd rather not have someone else in the house?

oldwomaninashoe Wed 20-Mar-13 12:52:20

I think it is difficult to suddenly say "no" as you have always been accomodating.
My house is a bit like a hotel as with four adult boys their girlfriends are frequently there,and they stay for quite long periods of time.
However they are all very aware that it is our house and are respectful of that and I'm sure if I said that it wasn't convenient for them to stay they would respect that.
Your Step Daughter has asked (she just didn't assume) you haven't said what her reaction has been, and if she is okay with your refusal.

OTTMummA Wed 20-Mar-13 12:59:19

I think that if you explain why you have both changed your mind then as an adult she should be polite and accept it.

I am sure if she is reasonable then she will understand how you are both feeling.
Maybe it would be best if her father told her no, would that be easier?

FrauMoose Wed 20-Mar-13 13:03:17

I am not really sure at this point what her reaction is. My husband phoned her this morning while I was out to explain - and he is now somewhere else. When my stepdaughter was younger she often used to become rather silent and withdrawn if things didn't go in the way she wanted to. My hope is that now she's a bit older, she can see the bigger picture - and be aware of the concern re her grandfather. Although my husband will report on the conversation later tonight, my sense is that I won't really know until she returns this weekend.

frazmum Wed 20-Mar-13 13:43:13

I agree it is a bit difficult to say no this time. But if as you say it is a serious relationship, then perhaps you could use this time to ask both of them to help out. Explain what's been going on and could the two of them either help with the FIL or by doing the meals and some housework for you. Use the opportunity for you and your DH to get some rest.

Aniseeda Wed 20-Mar-13 14:35:18

YANBU. She's an adult and if you explain your reasons for saying no to extra bodies in the house at this difficult time, she should be able to understand and respect them.

It's nothing personal. It's hard work having house guests at the best of times, however nice and helpful they are, and she will come to understand this in future when she has her own home!

maddening Wed 20-Mar-13 14:51:05

As an adult if she lives there then she should be able to habe guests. Possibly she should advise you that she will have a guest but shouldn't have to ask permission. She should be the one hosting him though. Otherwise you are treating her as a child or a guest in your home imo.

Could you look for any deals and offer her a mini break so her and bf are out of the house for this v difficult weekend.

I think she should be able to have guests, but as an adult then shouldn't she also be sensitive to the trials of the 'permanent' household?

I remember asking my mum if my boyfriend could come and stay for a few days once (same sort of age). She said yes. Only after he'd left did she tell me she didn't feel well enough at all and wished I hadn't invited him. I felt awful - all she needed to say to me was no, it wasn't a good time.

I think you should be able to tell her it's not a good time without her throwing a strop and taking it personally.

Oh sorry, misread thought she was still at uni.

Same applies though. When I was living at home I would never just invite people round for an extended period of stay without asking. It's rude and presumptuous, especially as it doesn't sound like she or the boyfriend are going out of their way to make their own meals or keep things tidy!

EldritchCleavage Wed 20-Mar-13 17:12:39

I don't see why it is difficult or wrong to say no this time. There is a really difficult family issue to deal with. You're worn out, it's not a good time.

b4bunnies Wed 20-Mar-13 19:35:05

as an adult living in your house, she should accept whatever you say. part of being an adult is arranging your own accommodation. if she wants a love nest, let her rent one. this is your adult accommodation, not hers- she's in the house as a^ child^ of the family - her choice. the den is yours, the mating is yours, not hers.

b4bunnies Wed 20-Mar-13 19:35:28

mind the gap... child...

I think you are being unreasonable. Why don't you talk about your stressful time to her and maybe they'll give you some space. Meals out etc.

Annunziata Wed 20-Mar-13 20:14:02

I think YABU to say, this time, we need a bit of privacy. You're not banning him completely, right?

Annunziata Wed 20-Mar-13 20:14:14

*YANBU. Sorry.

HoneyStepMummy Wed 20-Mar-13 20:14:48

Considering what you are dealing with YANBU at all to say no. You're dealing with a family crisis right now...like Eldritch said, not a good time.
Can't he come down another weekend? Good luck with your FIL, hope it all works out.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 20-Mar-13 20:17:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore Wed 20-Mar-13 20:20:19

If they're going to get married they're going to come as a pair always at some point.

I don't think YABU though as you are going through a very stressful time at present, hopefully once your DH has explained this (and I think in the first instance he should be the one to do so, no matter how good your relationship with your SD) your DSD will understand, it's not like she hasn't seen her boyfriend for a while.

I have a similar situation (although my children are primary school age), my FIL is in crisis and takes up most of my emotional energy, certainly tolerance. My children are great, and for their age very understanding, but I couldn't cope with a houseguest other than close family right now, so for that alone YANBU at all.

MrsHoarder Wed 20-Mar-13 20:24:23

Is it possible she needs the support of the man she loves due to the crisis with her gf? But generally yanbu.

Hmmm...tricky. Would you say no if they were married?

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