To not try harder to cope on my own?(75 Posts)
I have DS (2.1) and DD (5 wks). Last time I has very severe PND but, touch wood, this time I feel remarkably well. Anyway, my DM lives 3 miles from me and has pretty much been round everyday that DH has been at work. Obviously she is concerned for my mental health.
DD is v unsettled and won't really sleep/be quiet unless held (not even v content in sling), so my mum has pretty much just held her while I do basic things. Anyway, DH commented at weekend that I'm becoming 'dependent' on her and should be 'coping' more on my own. I don't think he was deliberately being an arsehole but it's got me thinking! I am just doing what I can to survive just now but wondering if I ought to be trying harder on my own?
I had sort of set myself the time frame of 12 weeks before I try and establish any sort of routine. I'm ebf fwiw.
I probably have got a chip on my shoulder. I have had PND twice, and got NO support at all. And yes Wiley, I did genuinely have it. My husband wouldn't lift a finger around the house to help and just berated me for being ill. My mother told me to pull myself together. Health professionals were useless. I'm probably not fully recovered even now, thanks to having NO help and support at all.
By contrast, someone I know who had armies of people to help her, and is very attention seeking anyway, decided she had PND at the same time as me, and just carried/carries on as if she's the only person ever in the entire universe to have it. And this was with her mum doing all the daytime childcare whilst her husband was at work, her husband doing it when he was at home, plenty of support from doctors, HVs and Surestart, loads of time to herself, a cleaner (paid for by mummy) doing all the housework. Then she has the cheek to turn round to others and say that her PND was worse. Believe me, it is FAR worse when you have to just manage on your own and no one gives a stuff about you. When you try to talk to your husband about how you feel and he shouts at you, and when you phone your mum in tears because you can't cope and she just slams the phone down on you. It is FAR worse.
I am also fed up with people that have armies of people giving them support making out they are the only people in the world to have suffered with PND. I guess it's because those of us that have to cope alone just get on with it, whilst those that have mummy and the rest of the family pandering around them think they have it worse than others. I had to cope with it alone and in an emotionally abusive relationship but it's not a competition is it. I still have empathy for the OP
No, it's not a competition, but those that do get help do often make out they have had it worse than others.
I'm sorry you've had no support & that your friend is being insensitive. I would never tell anyone that my PND is worse than mine, how would I know what's happening in their head.
Have you not spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? There must be some sort of help available through HV, GP etc?
I don't think people with help often make out they have it worse, I think your friend has done that & you are tarring everyone with the same brush.
Yep, GP is useless and gave me a supply of anti depressants for 3 months then refused to prescribe more. HV is useless too.
My friend has managed to convince everyone in our circle of friends that her PND is far worse than mine, meaning they are all there for her, and supporting her, but basically expecting me to be there for her too, when no one is there for me. It's all "Oh poor K, feeling as low as she does, she's been so poorly" "Lets have a collection for K" "Lets plan a night out to cheer poor K up" etc etc
What have you told your friends about how you are feeling? If you're anything like me you've understated it & made out you're ok. If you have then you can't expect them to understand. If you've been completely open & honest then maybe you need different friends.
Could you see a different GP? Sometimes you have to push for help, difficult when you feel so bad but that's how it is.
Murphy0510 But your anger should be aimed at your husband and your mother not the OP or other women you know who have PND. I hope you left your husband for that. I don't have my ex or my mother closely in my life any more and I'm a lot happier for it.
I've been open and honest, and told them all how ill I've felt, but no one has seemed particularly bothered or interested. I don't want the bouquets, spa days and cards that the other friend has had, but it would be nice if occasionally one of them popped in to see how I am, or invited me to lunch, or offered to help me out a bit. They all know how unsupportive my family have been.
Kelly I do know what you are saying but it makes me angry when someone is making an issue out of their mother helping them. How can that possibly cause an issue? Believe me, there are far worse issues if you get no help with PND
murphy I think you need to find new friends, and ditch your husband and your family!
I need to do something, and get some support from somewhere. Don't know where though
Well these boards are supportive, whereabouts are you Murphy? Can you speak to a different GP/HV?
Murphy, you are going through a lot. It is very very hard with no practical and logistical support, let alone people as emotionally backward as those around you! Seriously, post on the Mental Health and Relationships boards, people are very supportive there.
OP, I think you should take all the help you can get. It is early days and very, very hard with two. In six months, check back in to see if you are becoming an entitled princess . (I don't think you will, BTW...that was a joke, but also a recognition that some people, like Murphy's 'friend', might be a little...ungrateful, perhaps.)
I did all bar two weeks paternity and the odd day here and there when my parents visited with newborn BF twins. It was hard, but I didn't even consider getting a routine going! Madness! Such a tiny baby - you will stress yourself more trying (and failing) to do that. I tried to do Gina Ford and realised I was waking babies at 6am because a book told me to
Take the help, tell DH to sod off and enjoy your little ones.
A friend of mine had no local family support and similar lack of interest from her GP, she was put off going back frankly. When she did she saw a locum, he had a completely different mindset and she felt believed and supported for the first time. In her case her OH was away a lot with his job, I would hazard a guess and say in your shoes it is almost worse if you have your partner with you but he can't or won't comprehend how tough things are.
I don't want to sidetrack from this OP's post, if you haven't already today please start a thread somewhere on this board Murphy, I think you will get some fresh input and maybe some support you aren't finding in rl.
I think it's really sad that we think a woman (or man) looking after a baby on their own is in anyway a good thing or should be normal, regardless of PND or any other conditions that make things harder. I don't mean that every one should have a nanny doing all the work while they sit around, just that our nuclear family set up leaves mothers of young children isolated and it is just not nice.
OP don't feel bad about having your mother round. So long as your DM is happy to be there relish the support and company. Ignore your DH, he's not seeing the whole picture.
Honestly most families where I live do this. My mum popped in or rang every day when I had mine. When my sister had her baby I was with her most days while my Mum looked after my dd3. I go to a toddlers group and there's lots of mums there with their children and their mum.
OP YANBU. It's great that you have company, especially if your DD is unsettled a lot. Glad you're well. maybe all that support is helping you through, or maybe you're not ill this time, but either way, enjoy your family time with your DD and your mum. What a lovely way to start you baby's life with lots of people to cuddle her and keep an eye on her.
Murphy - I'm sorry you have suffered so awfully. Just to clarify - it is not a 'big issue' between my DH and me. He made a comment and I'm merely posting on here to gauge opinion from other women.
I realize I am lucky to have support and not an hour goes by where I am not grateful. However, the depths of PND are terrifying and lonely...no matter who is/is not helping. A personal hell.
I hope you find the help you need. I know you probably think I'm a stealth-boasting, pampered twat but if you wanted to pm me I'd listen.
What could possibly be the point of not availing of support you have in case a time comes when you don't have that support?
You can deal with having to cope alone when and if you need to cope alone.
There does seem to be far too much emphasis on women being expected to soldier on by themselves without complaint. Particularly if they are mothers.
As if you're not doing it "properly" unless you are miserable and barely able to cope.
Shouldn't you be holding baby whilst your mum does jobs??
Do what works for you.
It's not what I would have wanted-but I didn't have PND.
If OP had had a Csection they'd be telling her to get help& rest as much as possible, wouldn't they?
Murphy - just another thing, perhaps try The Association for Post Natal Illness, they can put you in touch with women in your locality that can help and support.
Diddl - when I say 'jobs' I mean doing lunch for my toddler who has to have it cut in the same way, on a specific plate etc. Just easier for me to faff at that than my DM.
I'm on my own most of the time with mine as they're small and my husband works away. No help at all. Threads like this do make me sad at how much harder I find it without company or encouragement (and yes I'd take it if I had it!)
I've got the possibility of returning to work but I'm struggling to carry all the home stuff and children at the moment andI'd love the job but not sure if I can manage juggling childcare, school in September andcommuting and work too. I feel as per title I ought to be able to manage it all on my own and then read how peoplefind one child hard without support whether my expectations of myself to not only manage life at home on my own but work too might be unrealistic.
ToTeach - I was in your position, so far 10 years after having my first I still haven't gone back to work as I don't want to have to do it all on my own and run myself ragged if I don't have to ad mine are all in FT school now. But, it does leave me vulnerable and dependent on my husband where many friends went back to work and have contiued in their careers. So many pros and cons to whatever you choose.
OP - if you enjoy having your mum's help and she enjoys giving it then that's great, that's when families work at their best. Think of the relationship your children will have wth their gran, my kids never really had that. It wouldn't have worked for me as me and my mum would have clashed but I would have loved to be able to see more of my family on a casual basis, for my kids to have that close familiar relationship with GP's and aunts and uncles and the odd bit of help if I needed it.
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