To not try harder to cope on my own?

(75 Posts)
IcouldstillbeJoseph Mon 11-Mar-13 13:13:12

I have DS (2.1) and DD (5 wks). Last time I has very severe PND but, touch wood, this time I feel remarkably well. Anyway, my DM lives 3 miles from me and has pretty much been round everyday that DH has been at work. Obviously she is concerned for my mental health.
DD is v unsettled and won't really sleep/be quiet unless held (not even v content in sling), so my mum has pretty much just held her while I do basic things. Anyway, DH commented at weekend that I'm becoming 'dependent' on her and should be 'coping' more on my own. I don't think he was deliberately being an arsehole but it's got me thinking! I am just doing what I can to survive just now but wondering if I ought to be trying harder on my own?
I had sort of set myself the time frame of 12 weeks before I try and establish any sort of routine. I'm ebf fwiw.

SomethingOnce Tue 12-Mar-13 01:38:46

Would your DH rather you 'tested' yourself, with the risk of PND?!

In other cultures it's normal for mothers with new babies to get lots of help from relatives; having lost that in our culture is probably why so many women are hit hard by PND.

As you say, he probably didn't mean to be unkind. Maybe, in a muddle-headed sort of way, he thought he was being helpful confused

Anyway, ignore and carry on as you were (and show him this thread if he mentions it again) - you sound like you're doing brilliantly.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Tue 12-Mar-13 05:57:55

Give yourself a break and, more importantly, tell DP to as well. Much much much better to have your willing and supportive mum there and helping than to risk PND by trying to prove what is in any case unnecessary. Your DD is still so young..

3littlefrogs Tue 12-Mar-13 06:06:35

My neighbour has 3 children.

Her mum comes round every day while her DH is at work and helps with shopping, cooking and the children.

Her mum has done this for the last ten years.

I just think she is very lucky because she has been able to enjoy her children and have some leisure time too.

I wish I had had someone to help me with my children when I had mine 2 years apart and a husband working 120 hours a week. I was permanently stressed and exhausted, and I am sure this was the cause of my PND.

So - make the most of the help available. Your DH is being ridiculous.

ToTeachOrNotToTeach Tue 12-Mar-13 06:14:32

Wow. I'd have given anything to have had the kind of support some posters on here have! Its quite unusual though to have that level of support though isn't it? We're the other extreme and have none and yes I'm stressed!

I don't think its unreasonable to accept support at all. It sounds like you've got a time frame in mind for the more intense help too.

I guess there's a danger it could fall into you and your mum parenting and your husband being incidental to the whole thing so you just need to be aware I guess. Potentially it could erode self confidence if it goes on a long time to the extent you feel you can't cope on your own but it doesn't sound like that's the case from here.

I'm suffering from PND, it came on gradually, DS2 is now 6 months old. My mum is coming over from France to stay with us as I'm not able to cope. My advice is take whatever help you can get.

Morloth Tue 12-Mar-13 06:26:53

I am pretty sure I read somewhere that the very reason human women (and whales!) have menopause so early in our life cycle (most animals can reproduce throughout their lives) is because we are designed to care for our grandchildren.

LilRedWG Tue 12-Mar-13 06:33:31

How lovely your mum is. Enjoy every second you spend with her.

Silverstar2 Tue 12-Mar-13 07:50:52

Maybe your DH is feeling a bit left out? Is your mum there at the weekend/evening too? If so I can see why he might feel that way.

Help is great, but I would be working toward a couple of days a week without it, just to get used to the idea.

I was happy on my own, I would feel smothered with that level of help, but that's just me.

Enjoy your family!

MammaTJ Tue 12-Mar-13 08:03:23

How lovely that your mum is so willing to help you while you need her.

Maybe get her to come later and leave earlier if you feel ready to cut the help down a little. That way you will not be overwhelmed with little chunks of time on your own.

emmyloo2 Tue 12-Mar-13 08:09:24

Jesus Christ I would certainly not question getting help from your DM. I have a 2.4 year old and am due to have another baby at the end of May and I will be heavily reliant on my DM. Mainly because I have a very close relationship with her, she adores my son and she loves to help. Don't think you need to reject help just to "prove" you can cope. I take help wherever I can get it. I will also have my MIL and our nanny. Whatever helps me get through those first few months. I struggle with looking after babies and so I know I will need the help. There is no shame in that.

Grumpla Tue 12-Mar-13 14:24:56

Another one here saying do whatever you have to in order to get through the day.

I very much doubt you are spending it reclining on a silken couch whilst having grapes peeled for you.

If you sent your mum away on some random whim of your DH you would have to lower your standards and make some hard compromises. Ask him what he'd prefer you to cut down on first - the amount of time and attention your toddler gets, whether you and the children are clean, dressed and well fed every day, or your mental health.

My DH travels a lot for work and when I had a newborn and a toddler, the times when I had nobody else to help out, those really were the choices I had to make. Which is why we lived in PJs and ate toast a lot. The days I had help were the days when I wasted time on fripperies like a proper shower or hoovering! Trying to do everything to your usual standards, whilst adjusting to newborn & toddler mayhem is NOT easy and it is NOT worth risking your mental health to do it as some sort of weird experiment. Especially when your mum is happy to provide you the help that you need.

Grumpla Tue 12-Mar-13 14:28:01

Also meant to add - it will get easier! I now regularly do 4 non-nursery days on my own with my two (3.5 and 1) and it is FINE. Ok, I have an extra glass of wine those nights, but we are not feral toast-crumb covered monsters all of the time !

Silverstar2 Tue 12-Mar-13 14:53:38

I do think thought that it is what you get used to - beacuse I have no family nearby, once DH left for work at 6.20am that was me for the day til he got back at tea time. Now, I am not saying it was always easy, but you do just get on with it. I had a shower, we were all dressed, went out, etc, etc, and mine were 22 months apart.

try it! You are a great mum, and I bet you are capable - if you want to be. if not, accept the help, but personally I would like to do it on my own. i think you should talk to your dh to see what he thinks the problem is.

Good luck.

KellyElly Tue 12-Mar-13 15:32:47

I kind of see where he's coming from in that he wants to know you be able to cope on your own if you had to i.e. if your mum was sick/on holiday etc. Don't read too much into it and enjoy the help smile

IcouldstillbeJoseph Tue 12-Mar-13 15:48:43

Again, thank you all. My DM leaves before DH gets home so that's not the problem. I think he's actually worried that if something happened and my mum couldn't be there then I'd crumble and be poorly again.
I have done dinner/bath/bed on a couple of occasions on my own when DH was called into work - and it just meant one or both children cried more. I explained this to him and said, whilst it's not the end of the world to shed a few tears, if it's avoidable by nanny being there then I'm much happier with that.

Zipitydooda Tue 12-Mar-13 22:48:20

If something happened and she wasn't able to help you then you would cope because you'd have to.

BUT! Nothing has happened, you have a happy, willing helper, you should happily accept the help for as long as its offered.

Surely your DH can see that the help from your mum relieves this pressure on you, makes you happier with the children and this is self perpetuating.

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 08:20:38

I find threads like this sickening. I didn't get a jot of help after three children from anyone. Nothing. Zilch. Oh yes, I did get one bit of so-called 'help' from my mum, when she told me to pull myself together when I had severe PND.

I'm sorry but I can't believe something like this has blown up into an issue between a couple.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 13-Mar-13 09:16:04

You are still angry about lack of support Murphy why not start your own thread about it? I wouldn't have answered this OP's thread had I thought she was doing a stealth boast.

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 09:29:52

I was just stating my opinion that I cannot believe something like this has built up into a big issue. I am also fed up with people that have armies of people giving them support making out they are the only people in the world to have suffered with PND. I guess it's because those of us that have to cope alone just get on with it, whilst those that have mummy and the rest of the family pandering around them think they have it worse than others.

CalamityJ Wed 13-Mar-13 09:33:54

WhatCoppertop said. If your DH has gone back to work he has no idea what it's like looking after a 5 week old & a toddler! Who is he to tell you you don't need the help? Would you tell him he needs one fewer member of staff at work?

To continue to avoid PND (and you're not out of the woods yet) take all

CalamityJ Wed 13-Mar-13 09:34:28

...the help you can get, was what I was going to say

WileyRoadRunner Wed 13-Mar-13 09:48:48

* I am also fed up with people that have armies of people giving them support making out they are the only people in the world to have suffered with PND. I guess it's because those of us that have to cope alone just get on with it, whilst those that have mummy and the rest of the family pandering around them think they have it worse than others.*

What a lovely opinion hmm.

If you genuinely had PND you should know how terrible it is and how any support that can be given should be given. Sorry you didn't have help. That should make you more aware of how any help,that can be offered should be accepted.

OP take the help you need for the moment and perhaps start reducing the time your DM spends helping you gradually. That way if you start to feel low you can ask her to increase it again. Good luck.

Jenny70 Wed 13-Mar-13 09:50:13

I read the title and I thought yes, you should try harder (snap judgy pants!).

But when I read you have a teeny tiny baby, and a toddler (the most irrational and demanding of creatures!), I thought, "hell no", and that's without the PND factor in there.

Your Mum is happy to help, it's early days, your body and mind are recovering from the birth and new family dynamics. You're not sleeping properly (which may take years, I know), and overall help is there, and you're accepting it... no problem.

If they are school/nursery aged and you can't manage to do your weekly routine without help, then perhaps you do need to simplify/toughen up. But your circumstance - nahh, your DH is being an arse.

Murphy, I think you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. I don't think anyone on here has stated that they have PND worse than anyone else, or that you can't get it if you have no support.

According to my GP I have hit 'crisis point'. I realise that I am incredibly lucky that I have support (not pandering to me). Would you prefer that I went through this on my own & possibly ended up dead or sectioned? Competitive suffering helps nobody.

KellyElly Wed 13-Mar-13 10:09:58

* I am also fed up with people that have armies of people giving them support making out they are the only people in the world to have suffered with PND. I guess it's because those of us that have to cope alone just get on with it, whilst those that have mummy and the rest of the family pandering around them think they have it worse than others.* I had to cope with it alone and in an emotionally abusive relationship but it's not a competition is it. I still have empathy for the OP hmm

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