to think dp should sit and chat to his parents?

(50 Posts)
familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:03:31

dps parents visit us once a week for an hour. dp will often be late back from work so just be sitting down for his dinner when they arrive, so i sort their drinks etc and they watch the kids play a bit while he eats his dinner and obviously i chat with them.
but then, he will wander upstairs to fetch something, go to the loo, make a phonecall while hes up there or answer an unimportant phonecall and im left downstairs with his parents and the kids.
they will often say wheres dp gone now blush and i think he finds them hard work so hides a bit. he says hes just back from work, rushed his dinner so just carries on as normal.
aibu to think he should ,make the effort to sit and chat/listen to them for an hour.
i often know more about their plans/illnesses than him.

maddening Tue 05-Mar-13 19:18:04

Make a light tea and brews and set them down with dh while he eats.

Save the dc pudding for then and they can all sit together with dh while you pop up to the bath.

Or dh can leave his dinner till after they leave.

2rebecca Tue 05-Mar-13 20:21:17

Before they next come I would chat to him. Check he definitely wants to see them as often as weekly and that he wants to see them at this particular time. Don't feel you have to invite them weekly because you see your parents weekly, they're his parents let him make this decision. If he says he's happy with them coming then tell him that in future you want him to entertain them because you are not his maid and feel he avoids them and you find them hard work too but as they're his parents he should sit and chat to them and let you get on with other stuff.

poshfrock Thu 07-Mar-13 13:29:02

*Euphemia" well I rarely leave work before 6pm so eating at 5.30pm is out of the question.
It's only one day a week - why can't he have a piece of toast or a banana when he gets in if he really is starving and then eat properly when they leave at 6.30pm? Presumably you're cooking his dinner for him OP so that it's on the table when he gets in? So why not just hand him a snack when he gets home and say "Your mum and dad are in the other room. Go and have a chat while I get your dinner ready." And then disappear into the kitchen for an hour.
FWIW my DH has a physically demanding job ( police officer) and he leaves the house at 5.30am most days. He still manages to hold out for his dinner until I get home so that we can all eat togther as a family at 7.30pm though.

2rebecca Thu 07-Mar-13 14:48:21

I agree that we rarely eat before 7 as we both work and if they leave at 6.30 a quick sandwich on getting home or before he leaves work and then liesurely dinner later with you preparing dinner whilst he chats or getting the kids ready for bed sounds more sensible.

teatrolley Thu 07-Mar-13 14:55:32

Does he want them to come every week?

Jux Thu 07-Mar-13 17:33:28

I'd put his dinner somewhere it can keep warm until they've gone, and give him a sandwich to tide him over.

Then I'd have a very important appointment at the library/gym/pub and be leaving just as they arrive.

I think he may be seeing that as part of the "Everything else" that WIFE is supposed to be for....

DH did what yours does. I grabbed him while he was mooching aout in the other room when MIL had been there for over 2 hours and he'd spent less than 5 minutes altogether in the same room as her, and said "bloody hell, are you going to go and spend some time with your mum?" to which he replied "god no, She drives me nuts!". He saw it as my job to entertain her, as we were bound to get on - we're both women, you see. I disabused him quite firmly.

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 17:41:47

I would either not do his dinner and then you can say 'go and talk to your parents while I get your dinner' - which you then time for when they leave- or invite them for a meal.

Jux Thu 07-Mar-13 17:43:53

Or you could tell him to get them over at 6. He can eat at 5.30, have a pee, make a quick call all before they arrive. They get half an hour with the kids there too, then you take kids off for baths and he can chat to his parents until 7.

merrymouse Thu 07-Mar-13 17:52:09

I think he is confusing how he acted as a teenager with how he should act as an adult.

Pigsmummy Thu 07-Mar-13 20:08:44

Is he behaving like he would have done at home growing up? Your parents being around is the norm so maybe he feels like he doesn't have to make the effort? Point it out to him? Men don't get hints and rarely pick up on vibes.....

familyfun Thu 07-Mar-13 23:23:29

yes i think hes acting like they are family so he carries on as normal, except they just sit on the sofa and talk so i have to sit and listen.
if my mom was here id say im just going to wash up and she would play with dds or come in kitchen and chat to me while i did it or even put the kettle on and make us a cuppa, but dps parents would never do that so you cant just carry on.
tonight i was out when they came, having done an early dinner, one of them left the door to the stairs open and when dd2 wandered off fil said he would watch her. dp went to see where they had gone and fil was stood at bottom of stairs, dp said wheres dd2 and fil just pointed up, dp raced upstairs as dd2 reached the topstep and fell and banged her face luckily dp caught her so she didnt fall downstairs.
dp was shocked that his dad cant watch a 2yr old safely, i dont think he realised how unsafe they are. his mom splls tea everywhere and leaves it balanced on the fireguard, im constantly moving dd2 out of the way, lifting the cup etc, not having a relaxing chat.

pippop1 Thu 07-Mar-13 23:46:18

The four adults should have a quick dinner together. Something where you don't need to get up. Kids can have dessert or special treat food and sit with you, in PJs if necessary.

DP's parents will hear them and their son more clearly as you can all sit around a table and so are closer to each other.

teatrolley Thu 07-Mar-13 23:48:51

They need someone to sit with them and chat. Might it be easier if they came for dinner? Maybe for that night you could not eat with the DC and instead all sit down together when they're in bed?

familyfun Fri 08-Mar-13 21:24:42

problem is mil will only eat a roast dinner, preferably beef, and fil wont eat meat.
we dont eat beef. i could happily do a roast chicken/turkey dinner but mil wouldnt be happy and fil wouldnt eat it, they are fussy and eat different meals to each other every day so cooking would be a hassle. they would suggest a takeaway but wouldnt pay anything and we cant afford a takeaway for 4 adults every week.

maddening Fri 08-Mar-13 22:02:06

they can't eat roast every night. Do a high tea - sandwiches and cakes etc.

Jux Fri 08-Mar-13 22:52:01

Oh don't give them a proper meal, they might be there all night.

Just tell him to look after his parents and grow up. He can eat after they've gone. Be firm.

teatrolley Fri 08-Mar-13 23:01:11

Seriously annoying about the food. I don't suppose the take out they'd choose is something you could do at home. They probably have wildly different stuff anyway!

I'd go for the option of having the talk with your DH about giving them his attention when they come around and not sodding off. Then find something vital to do upstairs for half the time they're there so he has to talk to them.

2rebecca Sat 09-Mar-13 09:45:06

Agree with teatrolley. the food sounds too much hassle. I'd just say to H "if you're going to ivite your parents round every week at this time then you should stay and chat to them. They're your parents not mine, I don't disappear when my parents appear, either be nice to them and chat or invite them round less often."

CocktailQueen Sat 09-Mar-13 09:48:39

Talk to him about it! I'd ask them round at another time so you could all eat together, maybe - it sounds bizarre to invite the round to watch your dh eat!

kerala Sat 09-Mar-13 09:52:29

Not on at all. Put your foot down with him dont know what else to suggest.

I have this slightly but DH mother is very difficult and has been so vile to DH that he would be happy not to see his parents at all. I feel bad for his father who is ok and think its right they get to see the children who are their only grandchildren so I am the one that initiates the visits (they live overseas). DH pretty much avoids them when they stay and I host its a pain but at least my conscience is clear. When they come to stay DH works late and reads in our bedroom but its somehow easier for me to deal as I dont have the baggage with MIL that DH has...tricky though. I always get a good present from DH at the end of the trip grin

2rebecca Sat 09-Mar-13 09:57:59

I wouldn't have got into the habit of having someone round in the early evening though as for me it's the most stressful time of the day when kids are young. The kids are getting tired and grumpy, there is food to be sorted baths to be ran. The "watching them play" sounds odd, my kids didn't just play nicely in a room with people watching or maybe I've forgotten that stage. If they're to come regularly I'd have them helping out more or come at a more convenient time as this time doesn't suit you or your husband as neither of you wants them there and they don't sound as though they're having a great time either.

Iheartpasties Sat 09-Mar-13 10:17:57

Christ they sound like a barrel of laughs! I would be having a word with dh about it. its not your job to entertain them! how hideously awful!!

familyfun Sat 09-Mar-13 20:54:06

mil eats a roast every day or buys herself chips. fil eats junk. im not going to start cooking for them in the week.
dp is meant to be home in time but is always late.
they watch the kids play as they arent able/wiling to go and play with them, so the kids do jigsaws/play farms or cars on the floor and they watch and comment.
just going to tell dp he invites them so he should talk to them too.

maddening Sat 09-Mar-13 22:10:02

Can dh eat his dinner in the same room as pil?

tigerdriverII Sat 09-Mar-13 22:13:48

Family relationships are tricky though.

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