To expect my friend to provide a little support when she expects a lot of support from me?

(17 Posts)
Morien Sun 03-Mar-13 19:51:29

Depends if she's always been like this IMO. One of my dearest friends has been like this sometimes over the years but I'd always borne with it as it was only at times of crisis (I use the word 'crisis' loosely). In the last couple of years it had become constant, and what's more, in that time I had some pretty major events in my life which she didn't react to at all...so last time she got in touch 'desperately' needing me, I emailed back (took me ages to draft the email) to say that I very much wanted to continue our friendship, but that things had to change as it had become a one-way street. I said I missed my old friend, the way she used to be with me. Right away I got a (very brave) message right back telling me that I was right and she was sorry...and since then we've been back to normal. I was tempted just to walk away and I'm so glad I didn't.

VodkaJelly Sun 03-Mar-13 18:42:06

Another vote for cutting contact and moving on.

Sadly I had a friend like this. The amount of hours I spent listening to her about her OH (who will be referred to as "Arse") who treated her badly, cheated on her, emotionally abusive to her, controlling, all her debts, money troubles etc etc but everytime she would go back to Arse and nothing would change.

She moved in with him and in 9 months had moved out 3 times but equally as sadly moved back in when he clicked his fingers.

Probably going to out myself here but I had a DD 8 weeks ago and throught my pregnancy she was talking the talk, going to be Aunty **, would be waiting on the door to meet DD, couldnt wait to hold her, etc, about the time I went into labour she was having another drama with Arse. She was meant to meet DD and cancelled on me with a few hours notice, I sent her 3 more texts about coming to visit and didnt hear anything.

I realised that she wasnt a friend of mine when she sent a text saying that she was going to ring the next day and I havent heard from her since. I deleted her off facebook and deleted her number. I dont think she had any intention of meeting DD, she was too wrapped up in her continuing saga of Arse.

I dont actually miss her and as she is an emotional vampire she will move onto her next victim to whine on and on about Arse.

CruCru Sun 03-Mar-13 18:40:57

People are either radiators or drains. Your mate is a drain.

getmeoutofthismadhouse Sun 03-Mar-13 18:29:28

I have one of these friends . We have 2 hour chats on the phone every day mainly about her life . Her rships (which is a joke ) how hard done by she is bla bla . But then last year I had the hardest year of my entire life and tbh she didn 't really support me much. We would talk about that for 5 mins then she would change the subject back to her for an hour !!
Some people just are rubbish friends and are self obsorbed . Thats just how they are!! You have to accept it or tell them no friends dont act like that to each other and find a friend you can lean on as much as she leans on you .

True friends ARE hard to find though these days

greenbananas Sun 03-Mar-13 17:50:08

I know this is not a popular point of view on MN, but could she just have so many issues at the moment that she is incapable of taking anybody else's problems on board. Has she been like this for years and years or is it a temporary thing?

Might 'out' myself with this anecdote, but my sister has not spoken to me for years after I failed to understand that there were problems with the health of one of her children. Looking back, I remember that she did once kind of tell me there was a problem, but she didn't give me many details, and I didn't really take it in properly because she didn't make it sound particularly serious when she told me. At the time, my own son was having very serious health issues and I was at my wits end, constantly worried that he was going to die. I wasn't consciously being unsympathetic about her daughter, it's just that I didn't hear what she was saying because I didn't have the headspace to take anything that was not spelled out to me very clearly. Months later, she cut all contact with me, still not telling me that her daughter had health issues, just telling me that I was so wrapped up in myself that she didn't want to see me any more. This has had a hugely negative impact on the extended family as a whole, and I still feel very sad that my children can't play with their cousins when they live just down the road.

Maybe you're just tired with providing so much support (as my sister was!) but if it is a temporary thing then hang in there and stay with your friend. Obviously you have to put your own family and your own mental health first, but don't do anything rash until you have though about it for a while. If everyone who was temporarily depressed and/or desperate had their friends leaving in droves, the world would be a very sad place.

Kat101 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:49:58

I had a 'friend' like this once. She was the human equivalent of a parasite - fed off attention and someone to talk at for hours on end about her problems. Massively intense. I put up with the imposition for too long and eventually cut contact altogether (when she was knocking on the front door for me during my mums funeral wake). She moved on to someone else - the next poor victim got a housing assoc transfer on the quiet and didn't tell the woman she was going to move, so as to escape.

Some people feed off others in this way to survive. You either accept it for what it is or you move on.

zukiecat Sun 03-Mar-13 17:43:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie Sun 03-Mar-13 17:37:27

She'll likely find someone else, GoEasy. It sounds as if she's after the gratification of attention more than an equal friendship.

GoEasyPudding Sun 03-Mar-13 17:34:50

I think her last fb message has proved to you that she is not intrested in you and your life even slightly. She is not even able to fake it!

It's a bit of a heart breaker when that happens but it does sometimes. This friend sounds a bit tiring as well if she just wants you to side with her all the time as you say. Can't be much fun when you don't get anything back.

Sounds like she might be relying on you a lot and I wonder how she will take it if you decide to back off a bit?

Murphy0510 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:18:24

It isn't the first time she's just dismissed me and has just wanted to focus on her own issues and problems. I'm thinking she's not much of a friend really....

eminemmerdale Sun 03-Mar-13 17:11:36

Yes, some people want you to be there for them, run around after them, drop everything for them but as soon as you need them, will back off <bitter experience and still very angry 5 years on!>

cozietoesie Sun 03-Mar-13 17:09:21

Some people are more takers than givers. (Or than even handed.) It's your call whether you want to continue with that sort of relationship.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Mar-13 17:07:36

Yes, YABU, unfortunately, because some people are just take take take! But YANBU to think you deserve better.

I am sorry your 'friend' is not a proper friend, I think you should simply reply to her next contact/moan/issue with exactly the same dismissive phrase.

I think you need to find a new friend who will be as nice to you as you are to them.

Pancakeflipper Sun 03-Mar-13 17:02:51

Well you can:

Start to reduce the amount of your time you spend on this friend

Say " oh dont't worry about it, don't let it get you down"

Tell her you would like some support at times and it's not a one way street.

Murphy0510 Sun 03-Mar-13 16:59:49

What I find with her too is that if she has an issue or problem she expects me to agree with everything she says and to 'side' with her. If I have any issues or problems she always sees it from the 'other side' so to speak, and makes me feel I'm over reacting or that it's very trivial or that I'm wrong.

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Mar-13 16:58:13

I would have to say something, tbh, or just stop the contact. What's the point in being friends if you can't support each other? You're not just there for her sake, no matter what she thinks.

Murphy0510 Sun 03-Mar-13 16:55:59

Said friend has had a lot of 'issues' lately. I've spent a lot of time on the phone to her and talking to her via fb chat. Yesterday we exchanged many fb messages about something that is currently annoying her. I was supportive to her, as I always am.

This morning something minor happened with one of my DC's but it was something I wanted to sound off about. I sent her a message on fb chat saying what had happened (we converse via fb chat a lot as its easy and less time consuming that chatting by phone every day). She read the message as it was showing as 'message read'. Then after 2 hours a reply 'really? Oh well don't worry about it, don't let it upset you' then another long message about her!

AIBU that after all the support I've given her I would like a little support/acknowledgement from her?

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