ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
to think that maybe after all I am just a lazy arsed cow?(40 Posts)
Dh and I both work FT. He teaches and so see's the DC far more than me ie he collects them from the CM and looks after them during the holidays.
I work FT and get home at 6pm. I have 5 weeks holiday.
He had a fit at me tonight after an incident with DS2 at about 9pm ref a dirty nappy. Basically he shouted that he does most of the childcare and that yes I should change DS2 after I had said 'Shall I do it or will you?'
I am rather bewildered tbh. I do all the cooking and tidying up and while we both work hard it seems quite an even balance to me. The only issue I suppose is that the DC have always wanted 'Daddy' to do stuff when they are tired and so to avoid a tantrum 'Daddy' does whatever, like cleaning DS2's teeth and putting his PJ's on. The other thing is that I get up at 7.30am as I have to be out at 8.30 with the DC whereas DH gets up at 6.30 as he has to be out at 7.30. Some of that time will be with the DC if they are up.
This 'thing' has been going on for years with DH. I always have the sense that I am not quite doing enough, that my job is way easier than his, that he really draws the short straw.
I am very confused and would love to know if IABU about being upset that, despite me working FT and missing loads with my DC who are 3 and 7, I am still not somehow pulling my weight.
Writing this all down now looks silly as we are both obv tired but this inbalance between how hard we work has been going on for years and I am fed up.
Softly I am sure you are right. I feel rather childish and petulant and hate to think what my children make of it, but there it is!
Sounds lovely Funnys, and to be to be fair in such a stressful life the odd blow out is inevitable.
In fact id go so far as to say if parents with busy lives didn't have the irregular explosion ofdoor slamming tantrums more suited to their children they would be considerably abnormal
Thanks everyone, really thank you. This has helped me see DH's perspective without making me feel an utter cow. We didn't have the 'talk' and as MeSo says I don't think either of us wanted to build it up into a big thing.
What actually happened was we met at parents evening (DS1 for once is at national average for everything, yay) and then went home. DH had done 'my' jobs i.e. tidied up and made the lunches, done the homework etc I then insisted on doing all the DC bedtime stuff and DH made dinner. It all worked beautifully and I think we both understood that each of us work hard. It was so nice not to discuss it ad finitum and just know what to do to help the other one out. We didn't talk about it at all, not even that I had called him a TWAT and broken the kitchen door again
We can all be a bit crap in relationships. He's being a bit crap about this, maybe you'll be a bit crap next week. I hope the talk goes well tonight but try not to build it up into something giant. It sounds like the ebb and flow of life with all its pressures and stresses.
I tried to last night but he would not speak to me. No doubt tonight we will talk about it. I feel as though he is asking me to do the impossible ie find more time to help with the children. We are good at communicating as a rule but he does tends to have little blow outs every now and then, mostly when I am least expecting it.
Have you actually sat down and told him that is how you feel? Had an actual conversation about it perhaps?
generally speaking the children don't get up until 7.30 when I get up and so DH has that time to himself. We then sort out the children between us and I take them to school and to CM.
And yes, he is trying to guilt me not vice versa. I don't resent DH at all. I am very happy that the children get to come home for 4pm and spend time with their father. What does upset me is that I get told 'I do most of the childcare' when it is not possible for me to do anymore. So I feel I get the worst of both worlds. Being resented for being out of the house so much and yet having to work until 6pm are rarely seeing my children during the week
Brian, she is not making him feel guilty though, he is doing that to her.
Pessary - you could say the same thing about the OP though? She resents her DH's hours and the time he spends with the DC.
Getting up at 6.30 every day to teach (which I do) when my partner stayed in bed until 7.30 would drive me absolutely insane, I'm afraid. I feel like I am desperately clinging to every second of sleep I get so to be getting up and ready for work and doing stuff for the DC while someone else snored away would be so maddening. Getting back at 4 and spending two hours in sole charge of DC is not exactly kicking back with a coffee and a magazine, either.
As tortoiseonthehalfshell says, it's important whether you get the same sort of amount of leisure time in the evenings. BUT: I also notice there is an extra hour in the mornings for you. You say you don't "need" (you mean for your WOH job) to get up till 7.30; but sometimes the kids are up from 6.30. So, then, someone needs to be up earlier, don't they, so why is that always him?
This matters for two reasons:
1. That hour in the morning is an hour he doesn't get to read or watch films or do press-ups or whatever he might like to do in the evening (because he will have to go to bed an hour earlier). So account for it when you look at what time you each get "off";
2. It shows a bit of a lack of solidarity that you are in bed when he is up and so are the kids. Maybe he could get up later and / or have an easier morning if you got up at 7 and put half an hour of your time into getting them ready. Maybe not - not sure how these things work - but deciding that your getting up time is influenced only by your leaving-for-work time is a bit I'm-alright-Jack, no?
I think you are getting undeserved stick from your DH. I hate people who make you feel guilty, it's very unpleasant. He wants the money you bring in and then resents your hours. Not acceptable.
I'd agree about swapping jobs round. DH and I both work full time and (as it happens) he does more with the DC and I do more of the cooking/cleaning type things. It's not so much that I don't think DH is pulling his weight (because I do), but that I get sick of having to cook EVERY night.
We had a "discussion" once because DH didn't think it was fair he always had to put the bins out (a job he hates) and I hardly ever did. I retorted that I didn't think it was fair that I always had to clean the bathroom and downstairs loo (a job I hate) and he hardly ever did. To my surprise he instantly agreed to swap. As doing the bins takes 5 minutes and the bathrooms takes significantly longer I was totally gobsmacked - but it wasn't the job or even the time taken to do it that was the issue, just the fact that it was ALWAYS the same person doing it.
thanks lemon I think you are right and we need to ride it out. We are quite good at talking about stuff once we have both cooled down a bit. Thinking about it both children have had a fluey thing this week which has meant broken nights, tantrums from them both and us having to split the staying at home to look after them. That of course means we are behind at work and the circle just gets more vicious!
Blimey it's hard work this parenting lark!
You are not lazy. If you're holding down a demanding full time job and bringing up young children at the same time, there is no way you could possibly be lazy. Don't even think that.
It just sounds like you are both knackered and struggling with the workload a bit. Understandably. Give yourselves a break, keep talking to each other and tell yourself it will get easier soon.
I think you need to bite the bullet with the three year old to redress the balance. It would be fairer to both of you if you did a little bit more of the childcare in your home hours. it would give OH a break and more time with your children would help you feel like you were missing out less too. That doesn't mean he should sit on his arse though, the job swap is essential!
I would probably feel like my entire life was given over to childcare too in his position. Teaching a class of 25ish all day, then doing everything for your own all evening and weekends would tip the most patient person in the world over the edge!!!
mynew no it's not like that at all. We both share the childcare when we are both at home but the fact is I am at home less than him and so inevitably he does more childcare. What we usually do is just do what needs to be done until all the chores are finished then we eat dinner etc. If a child needs something and we are both at the end of our teathers then we usualy look at one another and say 'shall I do it or will you'. Which is exactly what I said last night however he got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was telling him to do it.
I think the suggestions of swapping some of our jobs about is a good one and will give it a try.
There is no real possibility of reducing hours etc. We did both go part time when DS1 was small and it was great, but then I lost my job and it all went tits up and DH had to go back FT. I know that no matter how tired DH will not consider doing that again esp in the current recession.
Ah well, I have come to the conclusion that in our current circs these things will come to a head every now and again and because there isn't a solution then I will just have to suck it up. He can be quite emotional and liable to the odd rant which I know, so I just have to accept that is who he is and get on with it I think.
Yabu. You saw the nappy needed to be changed. You should have just changed it. Is it so rigid that you won't change it because it's his job? He won't tidy up because it's your job?
I always come on these threads and say: it is irrelevant who does the most of one particular sort of job, it's about who has the most leisure time. He does more childcare because you work longer hours. As long as, when you do come home, you two are still splitting what needs to be done (ie one is cooking, one is supervising homework, one is doing bath while the other cleans the kitchen), it has to be fair.
HOWEVER. I do notice that in couples where everybody is at their limit, the very fact of always being responsible for one type of chore tends to burn people out. So perhaps if you two swapped for a bit it would take some of the pressure off? I mean, clearly, neither of you are lazy. But he's sick of doing the bulk of the childcare, and you can't love doing all the cooking and cleaning every night, surely?
So how about, when you get home, you're on kid duty until bedtime, all of it (bath, nappy, bedtime rituals etc) and he cooks and cleans up after?
Maybe you could mix up the jobs a bit? One day you get in and take over the kids and he cooks. Then you both clear up, one puts the kids to bed and the other sticks the washing machine on. Or however the timings work on your house.
My children are older, I finish at gone 5, collect one from after school club, get home at 6 and start the meal. Because I have short working hours my husband has the luxury of not having to leave work at a certain time. Once he's home (and he does try to get home by at a reasonable time) we both pitch in until everything is done.
Rota? Actually sit and divide the work so it's a fair split, you factor in some time off each and some time together not working/doing chores?
That way it's mutually agreed so there can be no accusatons of unfairness, just a joint understanding of ploughing through the tiredness.
You need to do something as constant resentment can poison a marriage.
On the FT front is the any way to downgrade your lifestyle to allow a 4 day week? Even as drastic as a smaller house/mortgage. Life isn't meant to be just about working though I understand if that just isn't possible
I would have to say - there are plenty of threads on here where the mother does more of the hands-on stuff with the DC and says 'they are more used to me and have a tantrum if dad tries to do it so it's easier just for me to get on with it'. Those posters are almost invariably told that that will not solve the problem and that they have to work towards getting a better split where either mum or dad can do bedtime. So I really think that on this issue, that's also what you should do, and 'burst that particular bubble' as you put it yourself, with your 3 yo.
The competitive tiredness in general is another thing entirely. It sounds like neither job is ideal but yours in particular needs sorting out. You say you work very hard. Maybe you need to look for something that allows you a bit more rest.
Funnys I think he is being unfair to you really.
Can you weigh up leisure time per day? So while you are doing dinner, if he really is sat on his arse then when do you get that equivalent time?
Looking at the real problem, which is a lack of time, what can you do to solve it? Is there any way that one of you can make enough career headway to allow the other to cut hours and therefore free up some time?
thanks Cheddar we have a week in the UK visiting family booked for Easter and a week in France in the summer. I just wish day to day life was a bit easier
I think you just need to recognise that you're both tired and under pressure. Competitive parenting is really depressing and helps no-one. It is very easy to fall into this trap while the children are young though.
Could you book a holiday for Easter? Or plan a weekend away? It sounds like you both could do with a break.
CanI thats just it. We are doing too much, but we have no other option. Most of the time we are fine, but tonight he really shouted and I didn't know how to deal with it.
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