Not to want to commute 2.5 hours each way to work

(75 Posts)
lauralaughs Fri 22-Feb-13 04:51:42

In sum, we live in a small flat in West London, but an opportunity has arisen for us to rent a lovely house at more or less the same price from a family friend in the Sussex countryside but we had only 6 months to get organised, and I need to give 3 months notice on my job (in Middlesex) At the moment I am the breadwinner and dh looks after the 2 young kids at home, although he does try to work on his fledgling business from home too and we would all welcome the space of the house with the garden etc, he would be able to do his stuff more effectively in an office, the kids would have room to play etc.

Although I have applied for several jobs in the area, I did not see any real job opportunities in my sector until quite recently, and I am still waiting to hear if I have an interview from the jobs I applied for within the last month. I have told dh that I would love to move to the house, however, I cannot give notice on my house or job until I have work in the new area. We have calculated that my commute would cost around 1/4 of my earnings, and would be a 5 hour round trip each day! Youngest dc is 20 months old, I would not see as much of both kids as I would like and would be exhausted, my job is already putting me under a lot of pressure. My parents and sister have advised my not to move, for both job security and health of mind and body. I agree with them, much as I would love to take up the opportunity. The owner of the house really does need to let out the house asap for his financial position. Dh says we should bite the bullet and go for it! I will be able to get a job in the area soon and it will only be a temporary situation, with such a commute! He promises to come up with the goods financially with his business in a short space of time, but his track record in that respect is not great!
I have told him I will not take the risk and do the commute, and he now wants a divorce!

"Dh says we should bite the bullet and go for it!"
There is no 'we' for this particular bullet - there is only a 'you', lauralaughs. It's all very well for your DP to say 'bite the bullet' when they are not the one doing the biting!

"I have told him I will not take the risk and do the commute, and he now wants a divorce!"
Wow. Just - wow. Now, whether you comply or not, whether a new job next door to this house miraculously came into being and was yours for the taking, your marriage is possibly fatally damaged, and all thanks to his little temper tantrum. I am so sorry sad.

edam Sat 23-Feb-13 14:42:16

do NOT do it. I commute, in theory, 3.5 hrs a day. Often takes longer due to First Crapital Connect. (Voted worst train company in the latest league tables.) It is knackering, I don't get enough time with ds, when I do get home I'm good for very little.

Your dh is a selfish git, btw.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 23-Feb-13 14:26:30

Another YANBU from me. Commuting is hideous - I used to commute from Surrey and it was about 3 hours all in a day. I was always exhausted and I don't even have DC to worry about!

OP, your 'D'H sounds bloody hideous. Don't do it.

Dozer Sat 23-Feb-13 14:25:20

In your shoes with his threat of divorce I would be seeking legal advice and arranging paid childcare, you could be at risk of losing custody and having to pay him (above money for the DC) maintenance.

PurpleStorm Sat 23-Feb-13 13:43:27

Thinking about the DH's business - if it's going to be so easy for him to come up with the goods financially with his business in a short space of time, why hasn't he done it already?

Is it really going to be so much easier in Sussex when you're not going to be around on weekday evenings to help out with routine household stuff?

Mimishimi Sat 23-Feb-13 06:31:36

I'd be more worried by the fact your DH is trying to blackmail you with divorce than the potential commute to be honest. Would he be doing that every time things don't go his way? Call his bluff and stay where you are - he isn't serious about his business - which is what by the way?

KeatsiePie Sat 23-Feb-13 05:28:35

Good grief! I already thought "noooooo" and then I got to the divorce part and now it's "NOOOOOOOOOO." Go back and read what TalkativeJim said in particular.

I mean, if you go, and then the business does not get off the ground (and no offense to your DH but er that really may not happen ever), and then your local job does not work out and it's all stress and penny-pinching around the house and then maybe you think he should look for outside work to get your family through ... well, he's not going to want a divorce LESS at that point then he does now.

Astelia Sat 23-Feb-13 03:23:04

OhMerGerd that sounds awful, but I can just imagine it. A salutary tale for the OP.

OP wants a divorce if you don't move to the country? He wants you to fund it and spend 5 hours travelling each day for an unknown length of time, possible a long time?

Do not move OP. And if he wants a divorce let him have it, he doesn't deserve you.

cumfy Sat 23-Feb-13 02:28:14

Why on earth does he want a divorce ?

This is not to do with the commute.

Monty27 Sat 23-Feb-13 01:16:00

He sounds utterly selfish.

You're poor dc's and you sad

PurpleStorm Fri 22-Feb-13 20:58:39

Commuting for 5 hours (if there's no unexpected delays) a day sounds hellish. And unsustainable for long.

Personally, if I was in your position, I'd want to have a job lined up in or near Sussex before making the move.

Has your DH stopped to consider the impact a commute like that will have on family life? Or is he too fixated on the extra space to realise that you'll effectively only be able to participate in family life at weekends?

MarianneM Fri 22-Feb-13 13:29:27

Your DH is vvv U!

Commuting is hell, and I don't think having lots of space and a garden is paramount for happiness!

We have always lived very happily in small flats, with as short a commute as possible. We get to spend lots of time together and at present I don't have to leave the house until 8am and am home at 5.30pm to hang out with DDs, have dinner, bath them, read them a story and put them to bed. I think that is MUCH more important than lots of space and a garden, personally.

People are obsessed with having more space (not criticising you, OP, just making a general comment), spare rooms, dining rooms etc.

Don't do it if there is no guarantee of a job. It will be hell for you and your DCs who won't see much of you!

Listen to your parents and sister. They love you and have your interests at heart.

You husband, however, does not.

steppemum Fri 22-Feb-13 11:54:43

If you want to move out of London. This is not the only house available.

Wait til you find a job, then look for a house. There will be other houses to rent for a good price in your new area. you don't need this particular house.

Sit down with dh and talk about the steps necessary in a planned move. New job being no.1

GetOrf Fri 22-Feb-13 11:02:29

Christ how did I miss that in the OP?

Divorce the stupid bastard then.

whattodoo Fri 22-Feb-13 10:59:39

Doesn't sound a very good deal for you. What if friend put up the rent, or needed to sell? What if a local job never came up? When would you ever see DC? When would you relax?

I can understand why your DH is yearning for more space (living in a flat with 2 young DCs and trying to start a business must be hard) so is there a compromise you can think of?

Coconutty Fri 22-Feb-13 10:50:36

Don't move. Find a job in a cheaper area, in the countryside or wherever and then move. You don't have to rent your friends house. There will be lots of houses cheaper than in London.

OMG - so you say you don't want to and he throws his toys out of the pram and says 'divorce'!!
What a total knob!!
So he's happy for you to basically work 13 hour days and never your children is he???
And who says it's going to be that temporary? What if you don't get a job locally very soon?
You have to stand your ground and say 'no'!!
You also need to have a chat about divorce and see what he really means by this.
I hope it all works out well though and you all get what you want in the end. Don't let anybody rush you into any decisions based on stupid comments!!!

directoroflegacy Fri 22-Feb-13 10:20:02

Surely you have to make the decision on facts that apply now -
Your dh can't promise his fledgling business will do well
What if (as others have said) this family friend wants to sell - is the arrangement v informal? Would you have proper tenants' rights?
Do you rent yr flat you are in now?

comingintomyown Fri 22-Feb-13 10:07:06

100% out of the question for me

hattymattie Fri 22-Feb-13 09:47:25

Ihad friends who led this sort of lifestyle - he got back so late and tired every night, she had an affair and now they're divorced.

specialknickers Fri 22-Feb-13 09:44:41

T= cot. Bloody iPad.

specialknickers Fri 22-Feb-13 09:44:01

I've done the commute into London from sussex. It was 2.5 hours on a good day, sometimes more if there were delays on the train / tube / overcrowding at Victoria etc. I never saw my ds and used to cry over the t when I got home. Never again.

Also, I assume him wanting a divorce is not meant seriously. If he really means it then you have a much different problem on your hands.

YANBU

If this opportunity has made you both realise you really want to move to Sussex, then you can sit down and work out a plan to do so based on your own timetable and circumstances.

You can wait until you get a job in the area and DH's business is doing better, or he gets a regular job.

In this economy, I think it's a really big risk. Is there any chance you will hear about the jobs you've applied for, in time to take the house?

I would really worry about the point someone else made, that you could go through all this and then the friend will turn around and want to sell and you're really screwed.

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