to ask how SAHMs buy gifts for their DP and keep it a surprise

(78 Posts)
pizzaqueen Wed 20-Feb-13 21:34:20

This is something that I've always wondered but more so now that many of my friends are SAHMs. If your partner is the sole earner how can you buy him gifts or surprise treats for birthday/Xmas/fathers day without him knowing a) how much you've spent and b) where you bought it as it will surely appear on his bank statement so he'll know what it's likely to be. Then isn't it just like he buys his own gifts so isn't really being 'treated' by you at all as he paid for it?

This isn't meant to be a dig at SAHMs at all - good on you for being able to make it work. Financially I don't have any option but to go to work but I'm fortunate its only 3 days a week and I mostly enjoy my job, although I'd love to have more time at home with DS.

DP and I both put an equal amount of money in a joint account every month to cover mortgage, bills, food etc and anything we have left over is our own to pay for our own cars, phones and general spending money (I'm left with about £50 a month). So if I want to treat him or DS or buy gift for my mum I can do this without him knowing and it'll be a total surprise, surely not like this if you're completely reliant on his finances?

I enjoy having some financial independence and if it was all in one pot I think it would cause friction e.g. I like to buy clothes, go out for lunch which he thinks is unnecessary and he likes the odd flutter at the bookies which I think is wasteful. But it's our own money to do with what we like...do SAHMS need to ask their partner about every purchase and spending decision?

So tell me if I'm being unreasonable and you have some kind of logical solution to this part of sharing finances that I can't get my head around.

lockets Wed 20-Feb-13 21:35:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MavisSparkle Wed 20-Feb-13 21:38:12

Oh God here we go ....

thingamajig Wed 20-Feb-13 21:38:25

I have child benefit and CTC paid into my account, so I have a certain amount of my own money. (a lot more is spent on the kids by us both so I have no issue there).

I imagine it's different for everyone, not just SAHM mums. Not everything has to come from a joint bank account and not everyone has to go through bank statements with their husbands/partners with a fine toothcomb.

FBmum Wed 20-Feb-13 21:38:39

I don't think it's anything to do with SAHMs but more about how you and your DP choose to split/share finances. I am a SAHM and my DH hasn't got a flippin clue where the money goes or what it's spent on. I would rather eat my own belly button than refer to DH about every spending decision - it's "our" money and we both work hard to earn it - him with the business and me with the DCs.

lockets Wed 20-Feb-13 21:39:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlewhitebag Wed 20-Feb-13 21:39:55

My DH put money into a separate account for me to use for the shopping, clothes, haircuts etc and from that i could buy presents etc.

squeakytoy Wed 20-Feb-13 21:40:44

You could get cashback at the supermarket, then pay for whatever you get in cash, that way he wont see the item on the bank statement works for many other purchases too wink

All our money is in one account. We each have credit cards which are paid off from that account, so if I wanted to not tell him what was on my credit card bill then I wouldn't.

We don't compartmentalise where the money came from or demand justification of where it goes too. I'm a full time SAHM, we're a partnership.

AnnoyingOrange Wed 20-Feb-13 21:41:27

Or you could get cash out and pay cash for surprise presents

Mutley77 Wed 20-Feb-13 21:41:39

I am just about to be a SAHM, having worked apart from 2 mat leaves since my oldest was born (she is now 8).

Our finances will continue to work the same way as they do now. Income comes in to the joint account, all bills etc are paid and money transferred to save etc, then we get £100 per week "pocket money" each (goes into our own personal current accounts) for mobile phones, general spending, and any gifts I buy would come out of that.

I think the thing that worries me much more about being a SAHM is not paying into a pension and having those other sort of overall employment benefits such as sick pay and one of us working if the other were made redundant. So we have invested in a critical illness policy this time and are hoping that all is ok!

AnnoyingOrange Wed 20-Feb-13 21:42:04

X post with squeaky

footyfan Wed 20-Feb-13 21:42:13

I use savings I have in an account from when I worked. I haven't always been a SAHM!

Mrsrobertduvall Wed 20-Feb-13 21:43:23

Dh and I have always had seperate accounts as well as a joint one...when I was a SAHM he would put about £400 a month in my account for my personal spending.

thebody Wed 20-Feb-13 21:43:30

I don't buy for dh and he doesn't for me.. Problem solved.

TattyDevine Wed 20-Feb-13 21:43:39

I am a stay at home mum with an income of my own (investments) which I get paid into various accounts (joint and otherwise) and I might use them; or in fact if he saw an entry for a shop he wouldn't automatically scrutinise it as something for him or necessarily even notice it wasnt his, if I were to choose one of our "joint" accounts.

WishIdbeenatigermum Wed 20-Feb-13 21:43:41

For this reason I had CB paid directly to me. DHs' salary goes straight into the joint account; technically he had the problem OP as I had access to his only source of spending, but I never checked. I've recently started earning and my salary goes straight into the same joint account.

bridgetsmum Wed 20-Feb-13 21:44:30

I totally agree with FBmum.
I too am a SAHM, my DH earns the money, I spend it grin
Seriously though, I take care of the day to day finances, all our accounts are joint, I pay the bills etc.

As for buying presents, it's about the thought that goes into the gift not how much it costs or where it was bought. Plus, my DH wouldn't know where to find the bank statements, never mind look at them. As long as he has £20 on a Friday for a few beers he's happy smile

TattyDevine Wed 20-Feb-13 21:44:45

Or if I were to be a bit sarky and bitchy, I'd say, women can also be independently wealthy.

Catsdontcare Wed 20-Feb-13 21:45:34

I guess it comes down to how you split finances, even before I was a sahm we never had his and hers separate spending money, just all in one pot. Same now I have access to all the money as does DH.

Dunno really bit of a non issue in our house. I think the whole separate spending money thing is odd, but each to their own

badguider Wed 20-Feb-13 21:46:50

It's not about being a sahp, it's about only having one bank account. we've always had separate ones as well as a joint one so that we can each choose how to save/spend our own individual spending money.

bigbluebus Wed 20-Feb-13 21:47:07

I am a SAHM/Carer. We only have a joint bank account. DHs wages & my Carers Allowance go into this account. I do all the finances - DH hasn't a clue. So in actual fact, I could easily buy him a gift and he would never see the transaction going through the account, as he never looks. I on the other hand have to remember not to look at the bank account just before my birthday as I would know where my present was coming from!!!!

5madthings Wed 20-Feb-13 21:47:23

I just get cash out or cash back, but dp doesn't scrutinize the bank statement or check what i spend money on as long as there us enough for bills he is happy. It wouldn't occur to him to question me over whats I spend, if anything his complaint would be that I don't spend enough on myself.

We have a joint account.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 20-Feb-13 21:47:33

I use my spending money, or put it on my credit card and pay it off from the joint account.

All our cash goes into the joint account, and then we each take the same amount to use for spending each month.

I definitely don't consult on spending decisions, if anything it is the other way around.

Mutley I have a private pension, nothing to stop you doing the same?

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