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AIBU?

To feel like my birthday wasn't really his priority-sorry for another bday related thread!

23 replies

Bertieblue · 19/02/2013 08:56

Please tell me I'm overreacting and I will be quite happy to accept it,I just feel a little upset about dp and my bday.
So dp was off with me and dcs yesterday for my bday,he had already told me that he was meant to go and buy something for me from the dcs at the weekend but had forgotten to do it.
Dp slept in until 9.45am,I had slept in on sat so it was his turn,when he got up he took the dcs into the kitchen and wrote my cards out,telling me not to come in the room.
I got my cards and my gift,which was something I had asked for,but it's something I've seem on groupon so he presented me with his iPad and said he will print out the voucher at work.
We went out for lunch etc which was nice but just feel that nothing was special or even that he was bothered.
I realise how petty it looks written down.

OP posts:

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doublecakeplease · 19/02/2013 09:03

I'm sure people will come and tell you that birthdays are for children, to grow up etc but i get you.
First birthday me and DP were together he booked us a mini break, made breakfast in bed, wrapped little gifts, bought me a cake... All in advance. I'd never had that before and cried because he'd been so thoughtful.

Next he ordered something online. Didn't wrap it and didn't write my card to midday. I was gutted and sobbed. Yes, i know that makes me sound previous etc but it was the lack of effort and thought.

Tell him - talk to him and explain that you felt hurt. I didn't for ages after and regret not doing.

Happy birthday :-)

P.s i wrote this assuming that you make a fuss on his birthday. If you don't then yabu! ;-)

mrsjay · 19/02/2013 09:04

Im not going to give you a hard time honest I know some on here go a bit ott saying adult birthdays are not important, but you feel let down he wasn't organised enough and didn't make a fuss, but really it was a work day people are busy and sometimes they don't have time to get the birthday ballloons out, what were you expecting how did you want the morning to go ? It is a bummer when things dont go to plan but when you have a young family and a busy life we do need to suck it up and get on with it, tell him though he could have taken 2 minutes out of his day to print of your voucher,

QOD · 19/02/2013 09:12

Really?

How old are you? 21 was a biggy, then 30 then 40

The rest? Nothing. No fuss, perhaps my choice of takeaway?

yellowsheep · 19/02/2013 09:14

I am not looking forward to my birthday ... I am a twin so have to share the day drop cards presents of etc... DD birthday is the day after mine and sis's girlfriend is the day after that.

I am lucky id dh remembers as we are usually so busy organising dd party etc.

Bertieblue · 19/02/2013 09:19

QOD,yes really,is it too much to ask that your partner of 12 years,father of your children doesn't write your bday card basically in front of you?
As for the rest of the day it was all nice,we were all off as a family,I'm not asking or expecting anything much or fancy at all.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 19/02/2013 09:21

MY dh will go into our cupboard where we have gift bags and paper on my birthday and wander casually into the livingroom looking for a pen , it really is no biggie really

SillyTilly123 · 19/02/2013 09:26

Do you think its this time of year? I've read loads of threads about birthdays not being acknowledged etc. (mine included) Its not the gift etc its the thought!

exoticfruits · 19/02/2013 09:26

I'm sure people will come and tell you that birthdays are for children, to grow up etc but i get you

They always do, but I think that you want to feel special on your birthday-I don't get this idea that you leave them behind with childhood. It isn't about money and material things-it is being made to feel special.

QOD · 19/02/2013 10:49

But you got taken out to lunch, that's special to me, and a card and he bought the groupon deal which I do admit isn't a physical thing in your hand yet.

What did you expect, just out of interest? Do you usually do or get more? If he usually makes more effort or expects more for his, then u can see why you're upset.

Dahlen · 19/02/2013 11:08

I think a lot depends on how you feel about birthdays generally and how he thinks you feel about them.

In some couples, birthdays are not a big deal and are barely marked. That's fine if it's by mutual agreement. Some people hate birthdays and refuse to acknowledge them. Also fine if made clear and agreed on. However, if it matters to one or both of you, then you should make more effort.

Surely one of the things about loving someone is wanting to let them know that, showing them you care, that you can be arsed to remember, think about it and plan something that shows you 'get' that person (either with an activity or an appropriate gift, neither of which have to cost very much at all). And if you love someone you do these things because you know it matters to them, even if you are inwardly sighing.

BlackAffronted · 19/02/2013 11:16

What you got seems normal to me - what sort of fuss did you want? I always forget to write cards until the last minute - I wouldnt expect DH to cry about it though! It doesnt mean I love him any less, its only a card. Going out for lunch & spending the day together sounds lovely! Did you want a bigger gift?

BlatantLies · 19/02/2013 11:18

Birthdays are not a big deal for my DH and I. He does buy me random presents at other times of the year so if he doesn't do much on my actual birthday I don't mind.

KellyElly · 19/02/2013 11:35

I think it sounds all a bit last minute on his part and tbh if he's been with your for 12 years he will know that your birthday is important to you. Posters who say grow up etc are just projecting their views on birthdays onto the OP - if you like you have a fuss made of you on your birthday then there's nothing wrong with that at all. I was really upset with my ex on my birthday after I had DD - he didn't even get me a card or a small gift from her and he lay in bed until lunchtime! When I said are you getting up it's my bday he said "you're not a child, it's not like it's a big deal" - that really pissed me off because it was my first birthday as a mum and I wanted to have a nice family day to celebrate it (and a hand with DD would have been nice). After he got up all stroppy he said "if it means that much to you lets go for some lunch and you can pick yourself a present". By that point I was well and truly fucked off. It doesn't take much to make a bit of effort for someone you love and it doesn't have to be about money or grand gestures. Even if you get breakfast in bed with a card and little present from DD and a nice rest for the day, that's all it takes. I totally understand where you're coming from.

Bertieblue · 19/02/2013 13:56

I wasn't expecting or asking for anything more than I got,I said that I felt a bit upset that my card was written after he could be bothered to get up,that he thought that writing it literally the minute he gave it to me was ok,sorry but to me that's not,I wouldnt write out a friends card in front of them so why would I do that with my dp.
Nowhere on my posts did I say I wanted a fuss or anything more than I got,I haven't cried about it or wanted any bigger gift as posters have suggested.

OP posts:

erowid · 19/02/2013 14:01

Your expectations are higher than what he knows. Either lower your expectations or tell him you would have appreciated a better effort.

QOD · 19/02/2013 14:03

Ah see you didn't say in your first post that it was the writing bit. It was all of it wasn't good enough.

On his birthday, give him his card with the cellophane on it

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/02/2013 14:15

At least he took the day off, .

Maybe as your eldest gets older you can rope them into helping you do nice stuff for Daddy's birthday/Father's Day, by the time another year rolls round he might have figured how to make it more of an occasion, (what goes around comes around).

KeatsiePie · 19/02/2013 15:14

I don't think you're BU at all. If your birthday is special to you that's fine! Why shouldn't it be? It's not a childish thing, it's important to know that you are loved and valued on the day of your birth. I really think card, cake, and dinner out, all planned ahead, is quite basic: one really should be able to buy a card, find a pen, call a bakery, and call a restaurant in the 364 days before one's partner's birthday.

Can you make it really clear what you need for next year?

Lara2 · 19/02/2013 16:28

YANBU - birthdays should be about being made to feel bait special no matter how old you are. DH'S drives me nuts when he forgets because he was busy! What? It crept up on him by surprise?! Same day every year for the last 30 years!!!

Lara2 · 19/02/2013 16:29

Sorry, bad typing - a bit special, not bait special.

cate16 · 19/02/2013 16:39

Must be the time of year..
My DH gave me a card stuffed with money! Can't decide if I'm :) or :( about it.
To be fair I suppose he did have to go out to a cash machine :)

1charlie1 · 19/02/2013 16:55

I posted on a thread of similar theme yesterday! YANBU.

A friend of mine suggested a book to me, which I have found fantastically helpful in my marriage. I really recommend it: The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. The receiving of gifts is very, very important to some people. 'You must be thinking of someone to give them a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts, but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.'

It is about effort and thoughtfulness, not about 'but you got lunch.'

My DH wouldn't be bothered if his birthday card consisted of me tearing a piece of paper from a receipt book and scrawling Happy Birthday! on it in front of him. So I've had to explain that the same gesture in reverse would have a pretty devastating effect from me! We just have different 'love languages'.

This post is making me sound high maintenance. I'm not. DH and I are very, very moderate present givers. But I don't want my card written in front of me because he couldn't be arsed to do it earlier.

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Bertieblue · 19/02/2013 19:28

Charlie-I think you have summed it up completely,it's not in the slightest about the material gift,but a card that's written in the next room while you cam hear him do it says to me how irrelevant the whole thing is.
We have always given gifts and always made an effort which is why I was even more surprised.
Thanks all for your input,suggestions etc x

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