to be upset about sister?(39 Posts)
Please tell me if im being unreasonable or not, I cant work it out.
Basically me and my little sister have always been really close (she is a lot younger than me, only 19)
A few months ago I had a baby, sisters first niece, parents first grandchild et c.
Sounds really trivial but my sister does not show one bit of interest in my dd, never wants to come see her, never wants to talk about her etc. Never bought her a xmas present ( which I can understand, being on a trainee wage, but the thought that counts etc)
Basically things came to a head last night when I went to visit, im trying my hardest to forge a relationship between aunt and niece.
DD is only 10 months so has recently found her voice so is very loud and vocal at the moment, however she was choosing to chatter through hollyoaks so my sister said 'cant you shove a dummy in its gob to shut her up?'
Am I being unreasonble to be upset that my sister doesnt show an interest? Or aibu because my sister is young and im being all pfb?
I think its probably jealousy, because shes always had you to herself, and now she knows that your DD comes first, i have this issue with my little sister, i practically raised her and now she can get quite jealous of my DD.
If you dont like it, then spend less time around her, its not nice shes being horrid about a baby.
Or she just doesn't like children? You said it yourself OP - you're trying to forge a relationship when she's clearly not interested.
Maybe she'll show more interest when your daughter is older. Maybe she never will. I'm sorry its not turned out how you expected, but you can't control other people just how you react to them. Maybe stop trying to force the issue.
It's hurtful for you but I can see why she's not interested in a baby at the moment, unless you're into babies they're really not that exciting. Even if they are related.
Also in a way try not to take it too personally, if someone else had been talking through Hollyoaks your sister probably would've told them to shut up!
When your DD is a bit older they will bond but for now don't worry too much. Your sister has had you all to herself up to now so you could make little comments (if vaguely true) that DD looks like your sister did when she was a baby, that way you might involve her, and if she shows no interest at that point then leave it for a few months.
Ditto GW297 - she comes across like an elder sister to your baby... that's how they often behave. Particularly because you two have a big age gap. I'm assuming she was your "baby" all these years, and now, she's been replaced by your baby...
Thankyou for replies.
Gregsbishop - could be jealousy I used totake little sister to school and dance classes etc when she was younger, we even shared a bedroom until I moved out at 21. I have arranged for my mum to look after dd for a day so I can spend some time with my sister alone.
Stuntgirl - you are right im trying to force a relationship which isnt going to happen at the minute. Il back off a bit and see what happens.
I know not everyone is going to love your baby as much as you do, but I find it upsetting seeing my sister roll her eyes and looked annoyed when dd is trying to catch her attention
She is 19. When I was 19 I had absolutely no interest in babies or children. As far as I was concerned, they were smelly, snotty, dribbly creatures that I just did not want to be around
and I'm not much different now I just hide it better.
YANBU to be upset that you feel your sister is less close to you lately, but YABU to expect her to love babies just because her big sister now has one. And, depending on how you dealt with your DD's "very loud" chattering through the television programme your sister was supposedly trying to watch, you might have been a bit inconsiderate.
IMO, she is behaving perfectly normally. My sister had the first of her eight when I was 22. She is a year younger than me.
I had zero interest in children 1,2,3 and four. I only really started to be interested in them once they got to be about four years old.
I certainly wasn't jealous of her or her life (my DH was but that's a different story). I love all of her children now.
Thanks WhereYouLeftIt, you are right about her not having to love babies, im probably expecting too much. Admittedly I wasnt considerate with the hollyoaks thing, but in my defence it was sort of on in the background, rather than we had all sat down to watch it.
I think the thing that upsets me is that dsis works as a nursery nurse and speaks so fondly of other children yet wont engage with dd, her niece.
It isn't about "loving babies", though, this is her neice.
We come to love family because they are close to us, it isn't usual to ignore your sister's child, completly.
OP i would just talk to her when you are alone, but you and your DD don't have to accept this behaviour. If she doesn't want a relationship, then don't force one, she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.
She may be your baby sister, but she is an adult. Eye rolling and nastiness, around young children is unacceptable, remove yourself from the room if they bother you that much, this needs to come to a head.
Does she want a baby, or could she of had a termination?
You need to talk to her.
Thanks for the different perspective ripsishere, thats why I posted on here.
Im trying to think back to when I was 19, when id just discovered the world of clubs and pubs, and see if I would be interested in an older sisters baby.
Suppose iabu in some ways
If she didn't work as a nursery nurse then perhaps, but to call any child "it", shows there's a problem.
It's a wonder you didn't react.
"I think the thing that upsets me is that dsis works as a nursery nurse and speaks so fondly of other children yet wont engage with dd, her niece"
Those children are "work", though. When you speak fondly of something at work, it's usually something that made your day easier, cheered you up, got you some brownie points with your boss etc. Not neccessarily 'personal' fondness IYSWIM. And perhaps, if she compartmentalises babies/children as 'work' she has even less interest in them when she's not at work?
Thanks birdsgottafly, nice to know someone shares my point of view.
I did react, but dsis has a way of making out she said things tongue in cheek, hence making me look silly and over reacting.
To be honest I think I will just distance myself for the time being, stop trying to force it and let sis come round if she wants to.
I wasn't remotely interested in my niece when she was that age. The relationship didn't become meaningful until much later.
Some people are just not into babies. My husband said 'He couldn't really see the point of the baby stage, the most uninteresting stage of a person' and yet he changed as many nappies as I did, got up as many times in the night as I. Once they started to walk and talk he he was much more interested. Maybe that is why she is more chatty about the (older) children at nursery.
I know your DC is her niece but 19 year olds (kids - well come on they still are) are pretty self centred. I agree with Toodles, don't stress yourself out, distance yourself from it and hopefully she will come round if and when she wants to
I do think at 19 its very hard to show an interest in anyone but a) self or b) BF. But the comment about the dummy was, arm, rude.
I think YANBU to find her rude but YABU to expect her to "take an interest".
I think her comment was extremely out of order (a d quite worrying for someone who works in childcare). I'd probably see her less until she could be civil to her niece. It's not nice to actually be nasty to a baby.
I reckon she's just upset that her role as beloved baby of the family has been stripped away from her and she's had no choice in the matter.
All of a sudden she's had to grow up a whole generation overnight - from baby of the family which tends to be a nice cushy place with lots of perks, to being 'just' an aunt which doesn't (in her eyes) make up for it and she's struggling to adapt.
Oh dear. What she said was ill-judged and uncalled for, but she probably meant it as a (badly aimed) joke. Don't take it too personally. Your sister is obviously a bit immature for 19 and is behaving a bit more like a 15 year old! You can't force a bond; lots of people just don't warm to small babies and don't knwo how to interact with them. I bet by the time your DD is 5 or 6 and your little sis older, and maybe dreaming have some of her own she'll be falling over herself to take her out for the day, buy her nice things, and will revel in being the favourite auntie. Just give it time, and roll your eyes at her in the meantime.
If she's the youngest and used to lots of attention the baby has stolen her crown.
Babies are not that interesting per se. She could affect an interest, given the relationship but is probably still forming and declaring her own identity, in an immature teenage way, as well as feeling that settling down to a mundane family life is the furthest thing from her mind as a young adult.
I don't think yabu at all. If she is a nursery nurse then she clearly is interested in babies and children.
It sounds to me as though she is jealous. I would find her attitude upsetting but think your idea to distance yourself is a good one.
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